sixth sense

To some extent I think we all have a sixth sense.
Or to put it in more scientific terms, we have "extrasensory perception".

A sixth sense.
Last I know, we have five senses.
We were all taught these five senses from young, and even now, if we were to lose one of these five senses; life would prove difficult.

Sight.

Hearing.

Taste.

Smell.

Touch.

We are more aware of our ability to see and hear.
To taste, smell, and touch somehow do not appear as significant.
I don't know why, but that's just my assumption.

Imagine life without being able to see. I guess this is the most morbid of thoughts.
When asked, "would you rather be blind or deaf"
Most would answer with, "deaf", of course, "it's more convenient to be able to see, surely."
However it's been known to be the most loneliest of disabilities.
The ability to see your world, but not hear it.
I guess the cliche term, "to stand in a room full of people and feel completely alone", might not be so apparent to you until you have lost the ability to hear, to listen, to soak in all the wondrous sounds we take for granted today.

I'm not saying being blind is easier than being deaf.
I'm merely just saying that they're both equally as terrifying, and I cannot help but respect those whom do not possess the ability to see/hear, and still get on by with life.
Because if I was put in that compromised position- I doubt I'd be brave enough to press on with a thing called life.

So.What is a sixth sense?

If we are all known to have five senses, a sixth sense would appear to be almost superhuman.
For one to possess more than the standard amount of senses? It's unnatural.
Why? And more importantly, HOW?

A sixth sense is almost an instinct of the mind.
It isn't sensed physically, but emotionally, mentally, and as we all known it to be commonly referred to, "in my gut"
In extreme senses, you'd claim to be psychic.
However, in this case, I think not.
It's simply just knowing that something isn't right.

So what is it about this instinct that I find so peculiar, that drove me to blog about it on an Easter Friday morning, curtains drawn shut, the only source of light being that of my laptop screen?
The feeling of utter dread and fear.
Fear of the unknown.
Although my gut instinct, my sixth sense, my extrasensory perception is telling me the inevitable emotional tsunami that is about to hit is approaching nearer, and nearer...
...I still struggle to act upon it. 

I've sensed it before.
The reason for this is always from an external source.
And sure, you can't foresee the things that are coming at you, but it is the manner in which you handle these disasters in life that makes you stronger.
At the time of disaster, though, you're not thinking about strengthening your own character.
You're not thinking about handling the situation positively.
You wallow. You sit there, and wallow, because the idea of moving on is just too scary a thought. 
Why would you move on? How would you move on?
To answer the latter question, one must find the reason as to 'why', and trust me.

You will find all sorts of reasons as to why you shouldn't, blocking out the one, but clearly important reason as to why you should.
I can probably write a thesis on why I shouldn't move on.
But there's a reason. 
There's a small reason, and although small in words, it is huge in meaning, just like those few words, we all "say too much but not enough", I. Love. You.
The reason why I should eliminate all the other million combinations of words I string together. and define to be "alternative ways I can just sit here and wallow"... in a vain attempt to convince myself that yes, I do not need to move on.

So somehow, once again.
This feeling is all too familiar.
I know it's coming soon, and yet I sit here.
A coward.
Too scared to embrace it, and I'm just waiting for it to all crumble down into pieces.
Sooner or later, those pieces I once knew to be a lovely piece of art, will turn into dust.
Not even a memory. It's just all nothing.

Because it's ironic how that one person that can be your everything can also become ...nothing.
And like us all romantics out there, we do not let that happen too quickly.
Which in turn, hurts us even more.

I am being awfully vague in this post; and for good reason.
So that when I come back here in the future and click on this link; I will not be able to recall the real reason behind the reason I wrote this blog.

raison d'être écrite

it doesn't get prettier than that, I don't think. 

I will come back here and be reassured that there was a time where I had felt like, well, shit, and found a way to deal with it.
I'll keep writing, and keep sleeping, and wallowing.
Because one day, I'll miss the sunshine.

And then maybe, just maybe.

I'll follow my gut instinct and move on.




All my love always,

April