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| in this case, I think my sad face is making everyone else miserable too. |
Who was the idiot that invented that quote, seriously?
I can light him/her/they on fire.
Repeatedly.
Filming it too, and editing it to play against the background music of High School Musical or something even more humiliating that has ever graced our generation's media.
There's no place like home because home is hell right now.
Where is home?
"home is where the heart is"
...then why the heck am I not there yet?
I've been back in New Zealand for what, four, five days now?
Am not settling in as well as I had hoped to settle.
I've been struggling with everything from the lack of choice in university to the huger lack of what I want to study being available.
I am also rather aware of all the social obligations one must fulfill on this awful exchange experience in New Zealand.
The only people that I should get along with swimmingly, I am fighting with everyday.
My family and I are in a place of total darkness and it's all my ungrateful bitchy fault.
Whatever though.
I may sound like a total selfish and petty idiot on the internet that may prevent me from ever getting a job in the future,
but I really don't think I have the energy to give a fuck at present.
Bottled up anger is the worst kind of anger.
It's my fault for not blogging three times a day since my arrival because I've just pushed all my emotions down.
The re-entry culture shock is kicking in like crazy, and I find myself being unable to sleep at night, because I miss what I knew.
I miss the familiarity and love of Japan, although my earlier blogs last April would contradict that rather well.
I am the cause of all the grief that my parents and brother are currently undergoing on my part, so why not leave?
Why not start afresh, and let everyone move on?
There is no place like home, because it's apparent that I don't have one.
Re-entry culture shock you guys, it's not a myth.
I sound like that ad on TV for secondhand smoke.
"Smoking kills. It's not a myth"
Except mine is probably less acknowledged.
We are all aware of culture shock.
You bitch about it, but you adjust.
What you don't realize is reverse culture shock, which hits you like a huge wave, and you end up lashing out at everyone because you are so confused as to why you are 'home', but do not feel welcomed whatsoever.
You aren't used to your family's habits, and you forget how to communicate with one another.
I for one, was terrible at contacting my family while abroad.
My host family's internet being a large fault of that, (no wifi, LAN cable, and only two hours a day), also because of my busy schedules in Japan, I lost contact with many of my friends and family.
My best friends however, were patient, and after two meets with my friend of now 4 years, I can say that our friendship has gotten stronger despite my absence for 10 months.
My family and I are struggling, if not failing to find common ground.
Them coming to Japan was fun and all but it made me realize how impatient I was with them.
I don't know why, but I guess it's because it seems that one would compare your own experiences and changes with the other, and consider it...somewhat less significant in contrast to the mere situation you are in; you are in Japan.
That may seem awfully narcissistic of me to conclude, but I strongly believe that that is one of the many reasons why one would struggle with re-entry culture shock.
You have your amazing tales of your adventures in Japan...and they wouldn't somehow understand completely.
They then try and share the stories of who broke up with who, and where, and why, perhaps.
Or how about those stories about someone's new house, or a new car.
You then feel indifferent to these trivial tales.
After all; you've been ABROAD, and have been pursuing your dreams for a total of 10 months.
And what's been happening at home?
Nothing, you decide. Absolutely nothing.
How can you expect them to understand though? It's Japan, and they weren't there with you to experience what you went through.
Therefore triggering the first prominent and unwanted feeling of reverse culture shock; disengagement.
Ladies and Gentlemen, when you feel disengaged with your own family, that's when you know the shit has totally hit the fan, and the arguments and raised voices are not far along.
After feeling disengaged, one would then start criticizing everything wrong with their 'home' country.
I think I started feeling disengaged a long time ago, when the relationships I found back home starting to weaken, and the further I pushed everyone away because of the fear I had/have in me, I started to build a hatred for my 'home' country.
You criticize. A lot.
On the plane ride over, I was extremely bitter about the situation in New Zealand, and due to my lack of inner monologue; I assume that the many kiwi passengers on the plane have listed my name in their little black books already.
I took stabs at everything from the government, to the sheer amount of asians in this country.
I'M AN ASIAN!
I'm a huge liability for my own race.
According to my brother, so is my blog, but I do not have any plans on deleting my blog. =/
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| Conformity: It's the one who is different that gets left out in the cold. Oh Penguin; I know how you feel. |
I've managed to destroy and blow up in my own family's face for no other reason that I just hate the fact that I'm 'home'.
It's so difficult to adjust.
You hear stories about how everyone finds it difficult to adjust, but manage to within a week or so.
Why do I feel like I'm never going to find happiness and peace with my family and country?
I even hate the university I'm about to enroll in.
Wow.
I should write and illustrate children's books, shouldn't I.
Shape the future generation.
I'd be legendary.
On the other hand, there are things comforting about home.
I just can't seem to remind myself enough about these comforts, and am forever stuck in a mental state of being unsatisfied with everything I have.
Maybe it'll get better.
For now, I'm extremely wrung out.
Apparently selfish, ungrateful, and irrational too.
So despite everything, thanks for sticking by me.
I love blogging and although many job opportunities may be in vain because of the mountain of idiotic comments I make in my entries;
they are idiotic comments in which I will treasure forever, and look back and say, "man, I was an idiot!"
IdioticComment from one of my blog posts last year..
"I am a viciously emotionally charged person."
And I wonder why I feel lonely at night. ;p
all my love always,
April
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