scared to leave japan

[written 24th January 11:30pm]

Today was one of the most loneliest days of my exchange- ever.

Ｏｌｉｖｉａ！！！！　I'm going to missssssss you!!!!!

 I went to go say goodbye to one of the best friends I’ll ever have, and watching her wave goodbye as the train door closes; I realize something.

I am a bloody masochist.

Seriously; it’s like I want to get hurt.

never forget your favorite kiwi girl! <3

 I put myself in these situations where I know I’ll feel shit; and I do it anyway.

Seeing someone off at the airport, or a train station; and allowing yourself to watch loved ones walk away from you, with that clear uncertainty of whether you’ll ever see each other again loom annoyingly above your head…is all but shit.

crazy lines for the yamanote headed for shibuya!

 After I say goodbye to her, I tried my best to hold it in but the tears rolled down my stupid face as if my imaginary dog had died or something;

And I looked at the pages of the scrapbook she made me over and over again in a train headed for Shibuya while many passengers looked at me with utter disgust.

Thanks Japan.

Getting off at Shibuya; I realize it was my last time there ever.

I decided to walk around all the shops by myself and reminisce about all the times I’ve hung out with friends here after school.

I seriously miss all of you so much already.

Leaving Japan is closing a huge chapter in my life, and to be honest; I don’t think I’m ready to start a new phase in my life just yet.

It’s been mentally and emotionally draining to say goodbye to people, and with all the stress of just leaving Japan and re-entering New Zealand; all I wanna do is buy a plane ticket to somewhere I’ve never been before and relax.

I bonded with the Disney Store and Loft in Shibuya and bought last minute oh-shit-i-didn’t-get-anything-for-X-person gifts for back home.

It’s part of the deal.

If you are born an Asian, whenever you go on holiday, or if you are going to someone’s house, you bring a gift.

And the nicer it’s wrapped; the better.

Screw the fact that you barely know the person; you better bring a bloody gift or you have absolutely no shame.

So a lot of money spent later, the whopping total of 13kg worth of presents is bought and packed into my red polka dot wheelie luggage.

With my wheelie bag gone; I’ve resorted to stuff all my remaining items into huge tote bags, and maybe even sending half of the things I have by post.

I have no money left; and the economy isn’t helping me with that either.

I’m literally a day away from going to Narita, and saying goodbye to this place that I can somehow call home.

I’m not packed, I’m not ready, and the zits on my face is my body’s way of complaining about the stress I’m going through.

I think every kid goes through this though.

You live here for a year, so you don’t exactly think, ‘gee, how am I going to bring this back?’

Because you have your own room, you start to live a life where you don’t think about home because what you already know in the present is home.

If we all lived by the concept of check in luggage is only 20 kg, and carry on is only 7kg, the economy would collapse.

In the long run; no one would ever be in debt because you can only afford to buy what you need; and not that you want.

Tomorrow is my last full day in Tokyo.

I’m spending it with my host family from two years ago; talk about going backwards, huh?

During the day, I will spend it with them and say my goodbyes, and then I’ll have my last dinner together with my host mom, dad, and sister.

Giving them a huge wooden photo frame with photos of us during vacation at dinner today, I knew that somehow they would miss me just as much as I’d miss them.

Not meaning to sound conceited or anything; but I feel like they are my own family.

Although they wouldn’t do things that my mom or dad would do for me because we are not of the same blood; they treat me as if I’m their own already.

just half of the crap i'm carrying on board...

I currently have a check in luggage that weighs god knows what, a check in that weighs 13kg, a huge tote bag that weighs 11, a box that’s 10kg, a computer bag that weighs 5kg, and a handbag that weighs 6kg.

If only I was an octopus.

Not only so that I can hug you with all eight arms, but have the ability to take my entire crap home with me without stopping every 10 steps to catch my breath.

I had to return my school uniform to school today, and trust me when I say the Japanese school uniform triples in amount and size and weight in comparison to that of a normal New Zealand uniform.

It weighed a total of 10 kg, and by the time I got to school, I was exhausted and so tired of climbing up and down stairs for a good two hours.

I wonder how I’m going to survive with all the crap I somehow brought along with me, and now face the responsibility of taking home too.

I’m actually really freaked out.

I don’t think I belong anywhere; really.

Can’t I just be a pirate and wonder the open seas?

I have a new love for sashimi anyway.

I could just pack a lifetime supply of wasabi and soy sauce and I’m good to go.

Or could I maybe just go somewhere else?

I want to go somewhere…where no one knows who I am.

Because that way I can be myself without being compared to the old April.

The April that doesn’t seem to exist anymore.

I look at photos from last year during the start of my exchange and I look so different.

So innocent, and happy; despite the wiener loving host mom trying to kill me every chance she gets.

What happened? I think I grew up.

My host mom even pointed out to me today.

“Do you know how strong you’ve become? From when I first met you in May last year till now; you are a completely different person. I love the girl you are now; but if people in New Zealand don’t, do not be surprised.”

Yeah, I won’t be surprised; because I’m already expecting many people back home to dislike the April I’ve become.

Change isn’t bad, I don’t think. It’s just different.

 I don’t want to go back to New Zealand.

I do, and and I don’t.

It’s the weirdest feeling in the world; and truth be told; nothing is keeping me back here in Japan.

However; nothing seems to be pulling me towards New Zealand either.

So I’m heavily leaning towards this pirate idea here.

:P

I’m so glad I’ve blogged my way through this exchange.

It’s given me such insight to how much I’ve grown.
I read back on my blogs back in June and July and wonder how the hell I managed to get out of those situations, and I compare then to now and I laugh.

I laugh because back then I would have never guessed I would be here right now, struggling to pack for home, NOT wanting to leave home, and actually reluctant to leave the people I now call my own family.

I laugh, because I was so unsure back then of the future; when I should have just learnt quicker to have fun in the present.

I laugh, because little did I know that the host family drama was only a little bump in my exchange journey; because the real battles I’ve gone through so far are the ones I’ve had with myself.

It’s raining now in Tokyo.

I once said in a blog somewhere, that if the rain could wash all the hurt away, I wanted it to flood.

However I realize now that if not for the hurt, if not for the tears shed, if not for all the lonely nights here in Tokyo, would I not appreciate all the fun times.

For on this earth, with joy comes sorrow, and in order to appreciate joy, one must have sorrow.

One of the great lessons I’ve learnt in my exchange for myself, and somehow was reminded of today.

So tomorrow, there will be tears, as I realize that I’m no longer going to be in Japan anymore.

But so far, so good.

Wish me luck, because I’m really freaking out. :P

All my love always,

April