i don't know

[written on the plane ride home]

You know the funny thing about planes?

Nothing.

I hate planes.

I used to love it when I was a kid.

“look it’s a TV installed in the back of the seat”

“yay, food!”

“oh what a cute tiny bathroom!”

Now its more like I have a laptop, I acquired tastebuds, and I cannot help but cringe everytime I have to flush because I’m afraid I’ll get sucked out along with it.

However, if that was to happen; I would definitely know where I’d want to end up. J

You get many different sort of travelers.

Couples, single people, families, business men.

The amusing ones are obviously the single people.

Right now sitting in front of me are two people trying to get to know each other.

Dude clearly wants to get in the chick’s pants, but she ‘just got out of a long distance relationship’.

However, judging by the content of what she’s currently saying/suggesting to do, she’s quiiiiite ready to move on.

Getting to know someone that might potentially be your everything is exciting and nerve-racking.

In this case; nerve racking. :P

They are failing quite frankly, because their conversation consists of mainly trying to confirm what the other said due to the air pressure and noise pollution.

Quite cute also, because their conversation involves Sesame Street.

Was that somewhat a breach of privacy?

Whatever. I’m tired, I really cannot be arsed thinking if this is appropriate airplane behavior conduct or not.

Stop. Judging.

Sleep seriously eludes me.

It’s currently 10:17pm at night.

I’m on a flight from Hong Kong to Auckland, and landing in approximately five hours.

The only reason I’m writing this blog is because I can’t sleep at all.

Physical reasons being that it’s economy class, I’m stuck in between two people, and I feel slightly nauseous.

However these factors come with flying in airplanes, and it’s never really stopped me from drifting off to sleep before.

Emotional reasons being I really, just do NOT want to be where I am right now.

Hence why I am sleepy, and exhausted, but cannot fall asleep.

I don’t even know how I managed to pack everything.

I don’t know WHY I packed everything.

I don’t want to leave, so why the hell did I leave?

It’s quite frustrating knowing that I’m going back to what I’m supposedly meant to know as ‘home’, although I really do feel like I should just be a pirate and roam the seas.

I don’t feel like I have a home.
I don’t feel like I have a family, either.

For one, I’ve changed so much that I feel torn apart from everything I knew back ‘home’.

I know that I’ll probably have to make new friends, because everyone’s expecting the old April to walk through those arrival gates at the Auckland airport.

Unfortunately; I don’t think that old April exists anymore.

She slowly started to fade away come the start of my exchange.

Not that I’m no longer silly, or not that I’m no longer…me.

I just view the world differently; I view it through a new set of eyes, and I know that reactions following up to this change will not be good.

I’m going to suffer from major jet lag.

Despite it being only a 4 hour difference between Japan and New Zealand, I haven’t slept since two nights ago, and I look like a psychotic mofo. With pigtails to match.

My host mom sent me off at the airport, and my host sister drove us to the station.

After crying twice at 4AM in the morning, one gets emotionally drained.

Excluding the fact that I really did not, and do not wish to end my studies in Japan,

I feel like I’m saying goodbye to all the things I once knew.

I already miss the sound of the Japanese language around me.

That’s crazy to think that I’d miss that, but I do.

I think I’d be content, and quite blissful knowing that I wasn’t going directly home to New Zealand.

I feel like I’ve had such an experience in Japan that it’s time for some rewind down time.

Perhaps going to another country for two weeks or so, and just relax.

By myself.

Detaching myself from Facebook, and blogging, and all that.

Just clear my head, and absorb the reality of going to a university I do not want to attend, and studying something I do not find interesting whatsoever.

That’s a whole lot of shit to absorb, and heck if it takes me more than two weeks.

The first thing I want to do when I get home is sleep.

Lots of it, and hopefully it’ll come to me.

John Mayer on my old computer back home, and just sleep.

I’m heavily preparing myself for re-entry culture shock, because I already received it via trusty facebook many times going over many conversations I’ve had with various people. 

Sleep is not an option because I have to go and see friends of family that I can barely remember the names of.

Whatever.

I’ll probably get comments about the weight I’ve gained.

The shitty skin my face currently wears.

It’s okay though; more motivation to get out of New Zealand come next year, right? J

A new start is what I need.

I had a new start in Japan, and it was so refreshing being just the me that I always wanted to be.

No expectations, no rules.

Maybe I’m just psyching myself out.

Maybe, its not so bad.

Or maybe I should just stop lying to myself because reality is looming, and approaching in the next few hours to come.

How does Canada sound? :P

I am not too keen on having two summers in a year.

I want my snowy winter back; and maybe going to neck-deep-in-snow Canada is just what I need right now.

Does it sicken you that when I think of ‘national anthem’, I think of the Canadian national anthem?

In fact; I like it.

“ohhhhh cannnnaaadaaaaaaa….”

I’m New Zealand’s worst nightmare.

I wonder what it’s going to be like.

Going back to my old room, to my piano, to…I don’t know what to.

I don’t know, and I guess the uncertainty has been eating at me so much that I am freaking out more than I should.

However; ask anyone that has been on exchange to Japan…

And I can guarantee you, that no one, ever, wants to return ‘home’.

All my love always,

April. .