The April Project

I made a total of 623 flash cards today.
Not sure if that's a good amount.
I fell asleep on my laptop a fair amount during though.
Drool and everything on the keyboard; needless to say I'm glad I am still able to type on this keyboard without the keys being all jammed up like the time I spilled strawberry yogurt on it.

A total of 623 cards, with words written both back and front.
So if you really wanna get technical, I made 1246 cards today.
I'm supposed to make a total of 1000 cards today though, so I'm going to pull an all nighter.
Is it Monday tomorrow?
Oh it's Monday tomorrow. =/

The day of my test is approaching near.
The 5th of December.
I don't think I'm ready. I think I need a whole year to study for this test.
2 months is rather...short.
I don't know how one crams over 200 different Grammar Points, 2000Kanji Characters and 10,000 Vocab Expressions in two months.
Apparently I've done most of the work though- in these past two months.

All that waits for me right now are the past exam papers that I will have to plow through and attempt to pass in the first go.
Let's not forget all the memorizing I have yet to do.
There's apparently a iPod Touch Application I can download but they all cost money.
If only I had a credit card.

Therefore I am stuck with just drill books for the time being, or lugging my laptop to Starbucks to 'study'.
I study, of course. I don't start looking through past movies/TV series/photos within my laptop. . .

The act of going to Starbucks comforts me.
It's like I pay for a cup of coffee,
and a 100 new Japanese words fly into my brain,
locking themselves in my long term memory for future reference.
One can dream. 


I don't think I study enough.
I can't seem to do...enough.
Do you have that feeling? Ever?
Whatever you do is simply just insufficient.
Worse is when its shoved in your face, really.
I want to study. Of course I do.
Why would I pay 5500yen and later discover I failed the test?
This test would add to my hopefully convincing applications in which I plan to send out to every possible university abroad that might consider granting me a scholarship.

So I have two weeks left until my test. Two whole weeks. 14 Days.
Come tomorrow, I'll have 13 days, but I'm glad that today was off to a good start.
I usually tell myself I won't cram before an exam but for some odd reason, my two months preparation was clearly too leisurely spread out.
I just have to give it my best for these upcoming two weeks ahead- then I can enjoy Japan once again.

I have two more months left here in Japan.
Going back to New Zealand in two months.
The latter sentence is so...daunting and scary.
It even makes me tear a little.
I can't go back.
I have nothing to go back to.
Sometimes I feel like no one would even want me back, anyway.
The way things are going with my family...I can honestly say that it's better if I don't go home at all.
It'll make everyone's lives easier.
Therefore; the April Project has begun as of today.

What is the April Project?
The April Project will consist of many goals that I have slowly accumulated during my stay here in Japan.
These goals I will reveal one by one as I start on them.
I'll then aim to finish them before starting on the next one; because lets face it; I can't name a single thing in which I've finished what I've started.
I am allowed to work on two or more goals if they are in association with one another.
(although one at a time is clearly the way to go so that it goes well.)

This project will end in the year 2012.
The overall success of the April Project will then be decided if I've accomplished my last, and biggest goal.
To be living in a different country in the year 2012.

The April Project is extremely selfish, but I think I need to be selfish for once in my life.
I had many other names for this project but I thought that my own name would suffice- seeming as it's all about me me, and me.

I've only been hurt for trying to be anything else, for someone else in the past.
The April Project will not have any association with the word 'failure'. 
I won't rest until all my goals on that list are completed.
I will also blog about the progress of each goal on the April Project.
I might make a new blog website, call it the April Project.
....
Actually no I won't.
That sounds awful.

So Goal One: Passing N2. 

Coming to Japan I've learnt that the people that love you will love you, for you.
Not because of what you believe in, and not because of what you've apparently changed to become.
No matter what you say, or do? They love you because, you are you.

I've been lucky to find people that are like that here in Japan.
My host family, being one of the prime examples.
They're proud of me.
Even if I don't appear to be studying all day, they tell me all the time and reassure me that I'm improving in my Japanese.
They confide in me, and although I'm not their real daughter, I feel like they are my real family.
I don't think my real family back home have any patience left with me.

I've changed a lot here in Japan.
Some may say it's for the worse, but I don't actually care.
For once in my life, I don't care what people say about me.

It's so liberating to finally live my own life without worrying about what others would think or say.
I think when you are put in an environment when you are under the watchful and critical eye of everyone; both younger AND older...you learn to stop trying.
Clearly, no matter how much you try and please someone? There is no pleasing anyone.
So why bother?
I've learnt to focus in my life because no one else will.

I don't know how I've gotten to develop this way of thinking.
Perhaps its because I've had to grow up and experience life- both the pain and the joy.

We are all individuals.

Therefore to love someone else would take change.

To be with someone, you would chip away the little pieces of you that don’t seem to fit.

You would chip, and continue chipping until both you and that other person would click together as one.

Sometimes, the other person wouldn’t make any compromise.

This is dangerous; because one would have to make so much compromise that they literally lose themselves in the process.

The process of loving someone so much that they are willing to do anything for them.

When you get to this stage; you are in so much sh*t.

Why?

It’s simple.

The minute the person you are chipping away at yourself for is gone?

So are you.

You are gone as well, and when you look at yourself in the mirror, you can barely recognize your own face.

I think I've chipped too much. 

Not saying that the chipping is bad; but I have to chip for the right person.

I'm glad that I don't regret chipping for the relationships that matter; however, I definitely regret chipping for the people that do not appreciate it.

This doesn't just apply to romantic love, but all kinds of relationships I think.

Also another goal in my April Project.

Following the blog about religion and the ridiculous reactions to it, 

I've realized who my true friends are.

Granted it's a sad realization but I'm glad it's happened now instead of later. 

I wasn't even pointing out that I didn't believe in God but sad to say; lately?

I've pretty much lost all hope thinking so.

This is NOT a sad blog.

Just a serious blog. 

Think of it like this:
The new Harry Potter movie doesn't exactly send you swimming in a pool of M&M's, but we all know that come part two, it's going to be good.

This project will have a part two. (if not many other parts in between mainly consisting of my pathetic complaints.)

Hopefully the part two being "The April Project- COMPLETED!"

All my blogs following this one will not consist of this project.

Just needed to vent out a bit because despite doing over a total of 600 cards, 

I still feel like I could have done more.

I needed to vent out a bit because I feel like I have no more family back home.

I need a motivation boost because even if I make a million cards in the next hour, I still won't feel satisfied with myself.

Maybe it's good not to feel satisfied with one's self.
Then one would fall into the pit known as mediocrity.

I hate to feel completely alone- but I guess you can't really rely on someone other than yourself.

After all, we're all human. 

And what do we do most of the time but f*ck everything up anyway?

So even though I feel none of it in my direction,

here's some from me.

All my love always,

April