maybe it's worth it

Shinagawa 

August is officially over.

I think it finally sunk in today when it wasn’t hot.

It was actually cool on the walk home from bus station to home.

I didn’t have to yank off my necktie, and I didn’t have to blow my fringe out of my eyes at all.

Autumn has graced us here in Japan.

Sure, it’s still just below 30 degrees, but the wind cleverly disguises the heat.

It’s different in the noon; it’s humid and sticky and gross, but thank God I go to a rich school that is air conditioned all around at a comfy temperature of 25 degrees.

Therefore, we won’t really realize the heat unless you look outside and observe how the heat wavers prettily above the concrete roads and bounces off the tops of buildings.

I’m not sure if I’m meant to be happy or not.

Sure, I hate the heat, and if I could live in an igloo for the rest of my life, I would; but the heat was comforting in the sense that it was SUMMER.

It was vacation; it was the time to go absolutely crazy for a month and a half for nothing could stop you except maybe heat stroke.

It’s over, and I can’t wait for the next time I have vacation.

Shingawa Girls High School

This has got to be the most exhausting and stressful month to date here in Japan.

It’s my first month back at school, and in preparation for the culture festival, my all too rich private girls high school is going absolutely nuts to make sure everything falls into place.

The culture festival is apparently one of the hugest festivals, if not the most important school festival of the year.

The school I attend requires us as a class to prepare handmade items and sell them on the two days of the festival.

If you join a club, you are required to showcase your club through exhibitions or performances.

I join the Art club; so that requires me to paint, and paint, and paint.

A lot.

If not for almost three hours a day after school.

two of the new exchange kids =]

So far September has been nothing but school.

I have heard from others that school dominates the lives of the students here in Japan; but I didn’t quite believe it when I went through my first semester at Shinagawa.

It was hectic, sure, but it didn’t stop me from having a social life.

However, this culture festival is stopping me from having one so far.

This week will be the first week of my life where I am spending 12 straight hours at school, 7 days a week, without a break at all.

It’s a Monday to Monday week for me.

It’s now Tuesday, and I feel like it’s already Saturday.

Saturday is no longer considered a weekend for me, because I have been operating on Monday to Saturday weeks since my being here in April,

But Monday to Monday is a bitch.

Oh, its so bad knowing you can’t rest in between at all!

my canvas so far..

a close up of the not so convincing 'trees'

and yet again. =]

I’m struggling to finish my art.

The size of the canvas is taller than I am, not to mention wider.

For one to paint this giant of a canvas, one has to literally climb on top of it.

(It hasn’t been easy, and it has been awkward to do so, might I add.)

It’s not even a great painting so far, and I am quite disappointed with its turn out.

It’s not yet finished, of course; but I know I have and probably can do much better if I didn’t have a screaming deadline down my throat.

I made the extremely wise choice not to come to school during my summer to start on this canvas;  and now it’s biting me in the ass.

Although if time would rewind itself; I would do the same thing all over again.

I wouldn’t trade that summer for anything in the world.

I’ve been making candles with my class too.

So far; in the two days I’ve been back, I have made 200 candles.

I didn’t know my hands were capable of making candles; let alone 200 of them, all in the duration of four hours.

I think I never knew what I was capable of until I was put into a situation where I had to challenge myself to do so.

Sure, making candles is not hard, but I think the hours I spend at school, the amount of study I do each day, the hours I spend painting each day; I would have never thought possible in New Zealand.

In New Zealand, I would take a break from studying every hour.

Here, I don’t take a break unless it’s lunch time.

It’s 6:30AM till 6:30PM every day, and although I am so exhausted at times I feel like fainting,

It’s refreshing to know that I could, and I can adjust.

This is where I can see that I have grown.

Because I take my studying so much more seriously now.

I thought I did back in New Zealand; and of course I did,

But to care about it this much to the extent that I wouldn’t let myself go to sleep unless I accomplish what I wanted to accomplish initially; I can see that I have grown.

Back home, I would have just said, “oh I can do it tomorrow,”

But now procrastination hurts.

It hurts because I know time is money, and I am paying for every single day I am here in Japan.

If I don’t make full use of my time here, then I will look back in 10 years and cringe.

I don’t want to give myself any opportunities to say the words, “I regret not doing X because I thought maybe Y and Z was an option when in reality X was just the best to begin with.”

They say you shouldn’t regret anything you do in life,

And I fully agree.

But I also think that in order for that to really work; take every single opportunity as they come, no matter how stupid and ridiculous and unnecessary they may seem.

For what’s the worst in any given situation is the fact that you didn’t even bother trying to begin with.

It’s better to have tried, and then fail.

It’s better to pick yourself up from that failure and keep on going.

Its better; and it’s always going to be the better option in whatever we do with ourselves.

It’s also better to have loved and lost,

Rather to have not loved at all.  

So although I get discouraged quite a lot recently from the sudden shock of being alone here in Japan,

I am grateful that it’s making me step up to the plate.

It’s making me focus in my studies a bit more,

And it’s also making me appreciate the people that have left me a lot more too.

No matter who we leave behind, or who leaves us behind, the memories with that person and the time spent with that person should be reason enough to always keep in touch with them.

Coming here on exchange I’ve realized that we take advantage of so many things in our lives.

The fact that we have a Saturday.

The fact that we have the freedom to express our opinions to whomever and whenever we please.

The fact that most of our friends are always by our sides, in the same suburb, if not the same bloody country.

Coming on exchange has made me experience how it’s like to know you only have a limited amount of time with someone.

When you are aware of the day, and the exact date of when you will never get to spend time with that person again?

You treasure them so much more.

I think that if all of us; whether we are oceans or just houses apart, would always treasure one another like that; we would all have amazing human relationships till the ages.

If we were to remind ourselves that we never know what happens tomorrow, and that today just may be our last;

A lot of our problems would disappear accordingly.

People would say how they feel, and would tell the people they love how they feel all the time.

For what can you really lose, if today was your last day?

If today was your last day of your life, wouldn’t you like to say that you gave everything you did your absolute best shot?

Even if its just getting up that extra half hour early to see your father off to work?

Even if it’s just sending your friend that you have neglected to keep in contact with for a while a “hey, whats up? You holding out okay?”

I took advantage of many things back in New Zealand; even my friends, my church, and the familiarity of my surroundings blinded me from the reality of it all.

The reality that I was coming here, and that by not spending more time with the people I love,

I’m the one that’s missing out on amazing memories that I could have made with my friends and family.

So thank you Japan.

Thank you for taking away my freedom, and thank you for taking away everything that is remotely familiar to me.

Without this experience; this unwanted feeling of loneliness and isolation;

I wouldn’t understand.

I would still be mediocre about certain things in my life, instead of always striving to be extraordinary.

Maybe it’s worth it.

My being here, and all the loss I’ve experienced.

No, not maybe.

I know it’s worth it.

All my love always,

April