differences

My Japanese teacher asked me to write her a letter.
I said why
She said, "First, to practice your 丁寧語。”
"二級の為にでしょう。
Second, I want to know more about you!”
translation: "to practice your polite speech. In preparation for that test you have to do in December."

and a more accurate translation would be:  

"because I want to watch you try so hard to study for this test but fail anyway because no one in their right mind prepares for a test like this just three months prior to the actual test date! but hey, 頑張って。what you gotta lose? Just 5000yen! :) Oh, not to mention your pride. :)"

I then asked her what the topic had to be.
She said, "write about your love life."
I laughed out loud and told her she would not want to know.
"But I really do."
..."you really don't"
"Okay, fine, write about school April. Write about how fun school is."
I didn't even answer her.
I think the look on my face when she said the word 'fun' made her feel awkward.
She then hesitated, and finally managed to come up with a topic for my 'letter' that wouldn't involve me sounding suicidal on paper.
"Write about you. What has changed. Why you feel like you have changed."

(by the way, imagine this conversation taking place in Japanese)

Needless to say.
I am having trouble writing this letter, and it is due tomorrow.
I am procrastinating till then, hence the blog.
I think if I brainstorm in the train tomorrow and write it up before school...
it shouldn't be a problem..
right?
....
(because April, your Japanese proficiency is that reliable at 7AM in the morning.)
whatever.
Ignorance is bliss, no?

But on a serious note.
Why have I changed?
God, I don't even know.
That would take a dozen psychiatrists,
and possibly the help of God too, to figure out why the hell I've changed.
I don't know why, and I don't plan on figuring out how I've changed and the reason behind it.
All I know is I have changed, and I guess it's just part of growing up.

I do know though, what has changed.
Although I'm going to the same school,
taking both train and bus to and from school everyday,
doing pretty much the same things I was doing back in April through to July,

I know that life for me here in Japan has changed.

...and here I am again, adjusting to a new 'environment'.

The first part of my exchange and the second half of my exchange are worlds; if not universes apart.

First; host family is different.
I come home now, and I'm usually the only one at home.
Even at 8PM at night, I'm still alone.
My host parents work till late, and they eat dinner at around 8:30, sometimes 9PM as well.
It's me, and two chihuahuas for company.

Second; school is even more chaotic than usual, because of the brilliant 'cultural festival'.
I have club almost every day after school till late, so I spend almost 10 hours at school on a daily basis.
Monday, through till Saturday.
My Japanese teachers are pressuring me for god knows what reason to apply for a silly national exam that requires months, if not years to study for.
There are five levels, and they want me to take the second highest one.

...no wonder Japan has the highest suicide rate.

"April, your Japanese has really improved so much, we think that you can even go for this test!"

...oh dear, sweet Japanese women, no, NO I cannot go for this test.

If you flick through the books, the textbooks that is, to maybe have an idea of what N2 (Level 2) is like in the Japanese Language Proficiency Test...
It's INSANE.
It's ridiculously, just crazy insane.
The amount of Kanji (chinese characters) you are required to remember,
and the unnecessary grammar points?
Oh, not to mention the billions of vocabulary you have to learn JUST for this test because in reality no one uses these types of words in their daily conversation, -ever-.

I have this theory, and technically I shouldn't call it that, because it is true, so..
I have discovered something.
The only reason I'm not getting special treatment as an exchange student is because...
*drumroll*
*and fireworks too, just because I can afford it when I'm typing*

It's because I'm Asian.

Up till now, the other exchange kids have gotten quite special treatment from teachers,
and just the Japanese kids in general too.
However; I'm somehow different.

It's because I have an asian face.

Whenever I speak English, I would hear the Jap kids murmur amongst each other, 
"Oh, I wonder when she got back from America.", or 
"It's weird, she can speak such good English. She's Japanese, no? Maybe she just came back from America.",
or the best one yet, "She doesn't really look half Japanese, but maybe she is, that's why she can speak English. She's a half!"
(oh god, I don't remotely look like a white person. At all. That made my day though, just made my day.)

Some of the teachers know that I'm an exchange student,
but if I ask a silly question, a question that foreigners would usually ask?
I don't get half the patience that would be given on a normal basis to an European exchange student.
I get this look of, "...you should understand this by now, you are Asian, or at least you look like one of us, so you should behave like one."

Last time I checked:
My Japanese teachers did not make any European exchange student take some killer Japanese National exam for proficiency.
None.
Just me, apparently.

Whatever though.
Asian Education isn't really all that new to me.
Coming here just reinforces the fact that Asian schools have not changed in the last decade.

I had two years of it back in Malaysia and thank GOD I'm out of that school.
However, I still have five more months left of this school that is somehow just trying to eat me alive it seems.
I don't even like school and yet I spend most of my time there.
Aint life a bitch.

Third; and if not the most important aspect of what is different about this second part of my exchange, is the people.
The people.
I miss my people.
The people that I was acquainted with, and really became amazing friends with here in Japan, have all gone back to their own countries to continue on with their own lives.
Without the people I have come to love by my side; it's like I just came to Japan all over again.
I'm having to start over, make new friends, and realizing that the people that I knew, the people that are no longer here, are truly, no longer here.
To realize that fact, and to accept it is really hard.
I'm not even halfway there, let alone a quarter.
I might be a step nearer, but I'm definitely not anywhere close to being 'over it'.

I didn't realize how different it would be.
Japan without the people you first explored it with.
It's quirks, it's ups, and it's downs.
Without the people you've explored common places in Tokyo with,
the places that you thought you knew so well,
although the same with its buildings, and business; have changed.

I've stained most of the places I go to with memories of all the people that I've spent time with here in my first five months of Tokyo.
These places, and all it's familiarity?
They've completely changed,
and I guess if it comes down to it; I really am more attached to people than I am to a specific place.

So although I've started to really hate dogs, and have come to favor those selfish feline beings;

my personality still mirrors that of a bitch. :P (oh im too gooood!:P)

I still love people, and am attached to them; despite location, despite time differences,
I will still always miss you, and you alone I will miss.

Looking back at photos during the first half of my exchange?
It brings tears to my eyes.
Although my host family was truly shit, and nothing but shit,
the friends I had here in Tokyo, the friends that will always be my friends forever, I miss them so much.

Friends that have helped me in times of trouble, friends that have been there to truly share all the laughs, and all the tears, and because we were all in the same situation,
we could relate to one another so well.
I miss all of you so much, and although there are new exchange students at school now?

The memories that I've made with you seem to be the most memorable ones so far.

I wish I can return back.
To that first day I came to Japan.
Just because there are things I would want to have done; for example, change my host family sooner. :P
There are things that I wish I could have done with you; and I'm sorry I couldn't do those things.
But- there's still time left for me.
5 more months of Japan.
150days of trains, rice, miso soup, and Tokyo.

Maybe I can view these next few months as a fresh start?
Maybe- although it's hard to start afresh when you have a mindset of "damn, if only I can go back."
:P

So, all my love always,
to everyone out there around the world,

April