with my eyes wide open

When I was younger I lived in Malaysia.

Just like any other average family; you have your regular restaurant, your regular malls, your regular doctor visits.
You familiarize yourself with your surroundings, but in reality, you don't have to.
Because when you are born, you don't know anything better than what is put in front of you.
And that; is your definition of what is familiar.

Then; it was New Zealand.

I didn't understand why everyone said the word "cool", so much, and I also didn't understand why kids didn't wear shoes on the grass.
I would wonder why their use of adjectives were so odd, because I never understood how the word "wicked" could mean "good", in any way whatsoever.
It took me a while; to learn English.
I didn't give up though- and now I even think in English.
(although at the moment I think in a weird mix of Chinese and Japanese)
I had to change the way I talked; because I would pronounce common words such as 'three', as 'tree', and 'six', as 'sex', and it was hard because I was teased for it.
I was teased for not being able to speak English; and when I tried, it was clear that I shouldn't have.

I discovered what it meant to have your own opinion and express it too.
I also experienced what it was like to have people not agree with your opinion; and what it meant to stand strong in it.
Yes; the grass was greener (literally), in New Zealand, and I've found my new home.
Malaysia will always be where my family live but where my heart is?
It's amongst the sheep and the cows and all of those stereotypical opinions about what New Zealand is. 

Now, I'm in Japan.

I don't think it clicked before.
No- I take that back.
It DIDN'T click before.
"Gee, April, a bit slow there huh?"
But- I truly think it didn't...click.
It's like I was looking at this place all the time but
I didn't really see it for what it was.

My eyes are finally open, wide open.

I am realizing how much I have yet to experience.
There are so many things that my old host family did not allow me to do,
that my passion for Japan also froze accordingly. 

I guess when I first came to Japan; it was foreign, but I approached it rather...numbly.
It was just "oh, I guess I have to take the train to this place", and "oh, didn't know that, thanks for sharing"
I was so numb, that I bet if an earthquake hit Tokyo, I would still have the same dead face on.

But I'm finding that this mentality is slowly fading away.
I am discovering Japan for the second time;
and with much more passion and love for the culture than before.
Considering past circumstances, I feel like I had a valid reason for not really giving a damn,
but I have none now; and I wouldn't need an excuse anyway because I am so happy to be here.
Here, in Tokyo, studying Japanese, and having a summer vacation in the middle of the year, instead of at the end of the year.
I'll have a cold, -hopefully snowy- Christmas, instead of a hot one, and these are all new experiences I wanted to have. I am starting to recall being the initial reasons to my coming here.

I used to have so much difficulty just catching the bus back in Auckland,
but now I can transfer between the yellow(総武線), green(山手線), and blue(京浜東北線) lines with ease; when back in April- I probably would have just broke down crying because let's face it, I'm quite a baby when it comes to doing normal human things.

I have my regular places I go to now, which is comforting and surprising all at the same time.
I also realize that I never learn from my past, for I would go shopping for things I do not need but want; then proceed to cringe and moan over my lack of money yet again,

I would buy the same coffee from Starbucks, and get a Taiyaki in Shibuya if I go there.
If I go to Shinjuku; you wouldn't catch me dead in any other place but Kinokuniya,
loitering around the booktands, and squinting hopelessly at the foreign characters that I should be able to read by now.

Also squealing in happiness at the ones that I can read, and eventually buying the book to celebrate my success.
When I'm on the train; I would be seen fighting for that little corner, or fighting for time. 
When I'm on the bus, I would be seen sleeping. Just because it's so damn slow, and it's always annoyingly monotonous.

I think it all started when I lived in Abiko, and my friend's mom brought me to my first ever festival.
It was familiar because it just seemed like a huge pasar malam (night market) back in Malaysia.
However- it was different to my kind of familiar.
It was comforting yet again, surprising yet again- but it was not familiar.
It was so great to see everyone just gathering together to celebrate the summer.
To be proud of your own culture, it's refreshing to see.
It's refreshing to finally be able to extract the positives from this culture into that of my own.
I've been wanting to do that ever since I got here, and finally, finally I can do so.

Not to mention my newfound freedom.
I don't have to feel obligated to show up at home to have dinner with my family- I want to.
I want to have dinner with them, I want to spend time with them.
Before it was more like I had to, and now it's just because I want to.
They care about what I think, as opposed to always thinking its wrong anyway.
The host family I have now? It just keeps getting better and better.

...this positivity thing is sickening. =p

Yes- that is a hat shaped like an onigiri (rice ball apparently is the right name for it but its really a rice triangle)
It costs 1500 yen per piece, and I am tempted to get all of them.
Someone convince me not to or else I would find myself screaming at the poor ATM machine in 7/11. =]
It's crazy to know that I'm finally happy.
I just hope that I can learn how to live in the moment and not always think about the 'what-ifs' of the future.
To be honest- when you do that?
You just lose out on all the opportunities that happen now.

All my love always,

April

back at square one

If I were to squish all my feelings into a word,

I don’t think I would be able to find a word; let alone create a word to describe what I’m feeling right now because it’s all rather abstract and confusing, and stupid.

If you could thumb through a thesaurus, any kind of thesaurus; and look up words such as ‘disorientated’, or ‘confused’, or let’s try, ‘unworthy’, or ‘grateful’. These words all combined would then form into one ridiculous word, that would then be justifiable to describe what I’m feeling.

When you are moving houses, you would find empty boxes.

Empty carton boxes that would keep all the physical things that are part of your life.

So whilst you are squishing your life into a few watermelon boxes, you do it carefully.

You roll your clothes into shapes that resemble sushi rolls as neatly as possible.

You fold your underwear the way your mom has tried to teach you for years, and you give up, and resort to tie them in a knot.

You realize that you have accumulated too many black stockings, for no one needs 10 pairs of black stockings in their lifetime unless they plan to walk through a field of needles.

You also cringe as you begin to understand the gravity of how one does not need 200 pens in different shade of periwinkle blue to help one study.

So you just close an eye, and you also hide these regretful purchases within the watermelon box.

You arrange your books in height order, taping the edges so that the pages don’t wrinkle.

Books are just about the only things I never regret purchasing; even if the story isn’t that fun to read.

Books are knowledge; and what better way to spend your cash on knowledge in physical form?

So as I packed all my novels, both English and Japanese, school books, devotional books, empty notebooks that are waiting to be bathed in ink, I would put these books in plastic bags, and wrap them like presents.

Just in case it rains; at least my books have a raincoat. =]

(because it makes so much sense that it would rain in the hottest part of the summer, and it also makes sense that my watermelon box is not waterproof. Yeah, I realize that process of my packing was highly unnecessary and illogical.)

You gingerly, tenderly, pack your life into these watermelon boxes, and you wait.

You wait, and you keep waiting.

You use your own body, and perhaps the help of a very kind classmate, and you move.

You slowly walk down the stairs, to a tiny Nissan car, and you pile your life into this vehicle, hoping that on the way, there will not be any accidents. (I was involved in a taxi accident the other time we were moving)

As you drive away from what you were just finding comforting and familiar,

you are removed from this environment, and asked to adjust to a new one.

In the past I think I would have been shockingly negative about this,

But I was looking forward to meeting my new host family.

I’ve met them once, but I didn’t know what to expect.

This pleasantly spacious house, the even more pleasant people to match?

Fate is being kind to me this summer.

As I brought up my watermelon boxes and luggages into my new room,

I was excited to unpack all my life into the drawers and closet;

Because I cannot wait to settle down into a family that will hopefully love me like their own.

I am anticipating for when something is going to go wrong,

And this is a terrible and awful mentality but I guess bad habits die hard.

I hope that by wearing my heart on my sleeve, and being as bubbly as I was back in April when I didn’t exactly know what domestic violence was, having been a victim of it for the past three months, I will not get hurt by this family.

I’m hoping I will learn the amazing positives of what this culture has to offer.

They have turned out to be extremely selfless and generous; taking me out to a restaurant on my first night here, to welcome me to the family.

I’ve never been out to eat with my previous family, and it was never a restaurant like this one if they were to take me anyway.

The house is also really different.

Not different in the sense they have a totally different toilet system; because I think all Japanese bathrooms and toilets have the exact same layout.

However, the size of this house.

It’s small in European standards, but in comparison to the houses I’ve seen?

This one is relatively modern. =]

I’m surprised they do not have wifi though.

So I’m going to have to get used to using the internet at a limited time again;

Because at my previous food paradise of an island, I used the internet every day,

And I could also write blogs whenever I felt like I had something to say.

It’s going to be difficult to publish blogs frequently now;

But this is seriously a minor setback.

So minor; I shouldn’t be mentioning this. =]

MY ROOM.

I love, LOVE my room.

I have a bed!

It’s not a futon, it’s a bed.

It’s built purely for the purpose of sleep, and maybe some other naughty things, but that’s a different story. J

And guess what. 

A TV! A TV, a wardrobe(oh my god, a wardrobe…I didn’t know Japanese houses utilized these!), my own air-con, a desk, and not to mention the room has relatively enough walking space without bumping into something.

When people encouraged me to try and change earlier during my exchange; I was extremely hesitant.

I thought it could only get worse;

But what I am so unaware of is that I had the worst.

The worst was chucked in my face from the very beginning, and now my exchange is slowly looking up.

WYS of course, is the only thing that is stopping me from having an amazing summer,

With unfair restrictions and even worse rules to match,

But fortunately, my host family dislikes WYS just as much as I do; if not more.

(I wish I changed earlier. This was what I was missing out on!)

They are such independent people.

In comparison to my previous host family; I’m finding that I’m the one in the house while they all go to work/school, or just…out.

I’m trying to grab all the quiet time I can get before school starts again;

Because when that happens, I highly doubt I’ll get any time to myself.

I’m allowed to go out too, as long as I’m back before 11, pretty much.

So I don’t really think I have a curfew; just more of a ‘be-sensible-about-the-time-you-come-home-and-ring-us-to-let-us-know-if-you-are-home-for-dinner’ kind of rule, which is the best rule around really, seeming as my 9PM curfew back in Saitama meant that I could never experience the nightlife in Tokyo. 

They have two dogs too, and I’m just grateful I don’t have scary red eyes that itch within an hour of being in contact with them.

They are very…lively, though, I must say.

It must be the Chihuahua in them.

They are some mix of terrier and Chihuahua, I think? And I’m pretty damn sure the only reason they bark so much is because of those mutated rat genes that have been so unfortunately inbred into them.

Time goes by so slow now.

I can enjoy each hour, by the hour, without cringing as I realize that it’s time to catch the bus back home to the house of horrors.

This house, this family, they are far from my first host family.

They are also different than my previous host family that fed me a lot; but they are so refreshing.

My host dad is the only Japanese male man that I’ve met that does not creep me out.

I don’t think he will be coming into my room late at night to give me talks about building relationships anytime soon; if not ever. J

The host sister has a part time job that goes till super late; but its again, super refreshing to know a Japanese girl that has a life outside of her own family.

The host mom is so sweet, and caring, and I hope that she won’t do a 180 like my first host mom did, and turn into some raging menopausal maniac. J

I highly doubt she will; she’s too educated to. :D

I’m writing this blog as I just finished folding my watermelon boxes.

They are stored away in the wardrobe now; hoping to be reopened, and reused only when it is my time to leave this country.

Any sooner, I don’t know how I can handle.

Although I really do see myself living here for the remaining time I have left.

So for those of you that have been reading my blog;

And for those of you that never bother to comment (all of you),

Thank you.

Thank you for putting up with my countless grammatical errors and embarrassing choice of vocabulary.

Thank you, and I hope you continue to keep me in your prayers,

For you are in mine.

(Believe it or not; I actually pray for New Zealand.)

All my love always,

April

eat, pray, and love

There's this book that has probably been out for some time now.
It's by Elizabeth Gilbert; and its not the kind of book I would read, I think, just because it's not written by Jodi Picoult (not really, I am not that picky!)

There is also a movie coming out that is based on the book really soon,
starring Julia Roberts and some random hunk that I can't remember the name of.
I think its.. James Dean? James Franco! Excuse me.
He's like caramel, really, so, I don't think a name is necessary in this situation. =]

The book starts off amazing; and you are drawn in by her witty way of phrasing her sentences,
and her cute, smart observations with each and every comparison made.
However, as you draw towards the end of the book; this soon starts to dissipate, and a huge overwhelming punch will hit you in your gut as you realized that there really was nothing to be excited about in the first place.
Except- there really is.

I've noticed that one can really relate to this book.
Sure, I didn't go through a shit divorce.
And I didnt exactly have a sexy affair following my 'divorce' with a sex god,
but at the end of this episode, she is wrung out.
As was I.

Following the three months of my stay in the house of horrors,
I didn't know how I managed to do it, but I managed to find two new host families; one temporary, one permanent, to take me in.
This was meant, and still is meant to be my company's responsibility,
but then again, does my company have the word responsible written anywhere in their vocabulary, I wonder.
They screwed me over; and good, might I add,
and somehow made me think it was my fault that
I got verbally and emotionally abused every single day for three months.

However, I've survived, and I'm just glad to have made it out alive.
I find myself here in this house, grateful,
and trying to heal from all the things that have happened to me recently.
But I also find myself empty.
Empty because I do not know what to think anymore about this culture, this...Japan, that I thought I had figured out.

But I like being empty.
This emptiness is refreshing because I am so open minded to anything new now; I realize that anger is an emotion that has totally escaped me.
Its hard to get angry; when you've seen how anger looks like.
I've seen, and boy it's ugly. (sorry ex-host mom, but you kinda looked constipated when you were tantrum-ing at me ;p)
and I've seen spiteful, (sorry again ex-host mom, I really don't mean to beat you up verbally here although your English is never going to be good enough for comprehension)
and spiteful is ugly.
I've seen jealousy, too, and I realize that life is way, way too short to be angry over anything.

I think in a few weeks, heck, give me a month, that would soon change,
and I'd find myself getting pissed off at the little things,
but lately, I find my anger dissipating.
I just find myself...being amused, at the little things.
I don't get angry so easily.
I am happier;
because I know that the past three months were the worst that could happen;
and it'll never happen again, because I'm out of that house.

It may be silly, but I feel that my journey to eating, praying, and loving has begun.

In this house, there is lots, and lots, and lots of eating going on.

According to my friend, Maki's mom, this is normal.

But then again, what IS normal?

I used to get rice, (a spoonful), half a fried egg, and a small sausage for dinner.

I also didn't get any lunch; I had to buy my own.

If I did get lunch, she would ask me to say thank you, and remind me time and time again about how I need to be thankful for the two measly rice balls she makes me in comparison to the actual lunch boxes the other kids get.

So answer me this:

What is food? 

I used to get half a slice of bread for breakfast and half a glass of milk.

It wasn't enough, but my body grew used to it.

Today; I had a slice of bread, and a whole glass of milk and my tummy complained!

It was slightly amusing, because my body has been in starvation mode all this while,

and suddenly, it is fed nutritious good food, and it is pleasantly surprised but tired from ...over-working, I guess, is the right word.

The only time I would get a proper meal was when I cooked for my host family;

or bought back food for them.

During those meals that I would make;

I remembered the first time I cooked for them; I was crying while eating,

because it tasted...like home.

The food I made mirrored my mom's, and the tears flowed down my face, and probably into my food too, making it saltier (which explains my inability to eat following my emotional state),

and it was the only kind of love I ever received back in that house.

The food I made for myself was the only love I received.

That is a sad, sad thing to say, but it is 110% true.

I also remember I would buy ingredients for them; but my old host mom wouldn't allow me to eat it.

It was for "her child", although I bought it for "everyone, to share, (including me)"

It's funny; there was this one time I bought them apples.

And I wanted to bring one to school, and she said I couldn't.

At that point; I was ridden with hurt,

but now I look back?

The woman can eat as many damn apples as she wants;

she won't be no snow white, and no prince charming will ever come and get her.

I, on the other hand. 

I don't really need to eat any apples. :]

Ah; I should stop being so mean about it!

(but I seriously cannot help it, it is fun.)

There are so many, so many situations that I look back now and think of how I ever managed to survive that; but the fact that I did?

All my anger has totally escaped me.

And I am so glad; because I know for sure now that I am starting from square one; learning again about this culture that I think I may have wrongly misjudged.

For what my old family did to me, and what my company is doing to me now; is not really a cultural thing.

It's just more of a i-have-problems-in-my-head thing.

:] that is of course, an understatement, especially if you hear feedback from other students that have been unfortunate customers to this company, 

but rest assured.

This company is no longer going to victimize any more students such as myself.

On the 25th, I move into my permanent host family.

It is my company's job, no, scratch that, it is my company's obligation to come to my current temporary host family's home, and thank them, and bring me to my new family's home to thank them also.

This is etiquette worldwide I would think.

But bless my company; they told me to do it myself.

I of course do not have a problem with this at all.

I've been doing that for the past three months;

and I found my host families myself too,

so I didn't really expect much.

Heck; I'd rather go by myself just because spending any time with anyone from my company for any duration would make my soul rot,

so I didn't complain.

But this is Japan, and I am still a child in everyone's eyes.

So my current host mom is infuriated, and has been in contact with my future host mom.

They both too, agree that my current company sucks donkey balls.

My current host mom is new to the idiocy of my company.

She is confused, as to why I am treated like a dog when I am a human.

I told her that dogs have better lives than exchange students here in Japan when WYS steps into the picture.

She agreed.

Bless, bless her soul.

But all this while; I am calm.

This is indeed quite a large situation that has occured but; I am calm.

I am so unfazed, because I realize that when you just return evil with good?

God will take your vengeance.

And God is amazing because he has directly targeted the one customers that WYS cannot piss off; and that is the host families.

As I am writing this; my current host mom is emailing my school, which happens to be the richest private school in Tokyo, to complain about the lack of competency my company has.

I did nothing, in my part.

I just left it up to God, and this is my sweet reward.

To watch as my company's reputation slowly burns into the ground for all the wrong they have done to all its students,

and to just bask in all the sweet , sweet glory.

So; I won't be angry. 

I'll let God be angry.

Cos His anger is so much more cooler and effective than mine will ever be. =]

On the other hand;

I cannot repeat this more, but IF YOU WANT TO COME ON AN EXCHANGE TO JAPAN;

PLEASE COME! JUST NOT WITH WYS.

They will screw you over in the head until you bleed; and only then will they THINK of buying you a band aid.

So on that cheery note;

I have been eating.

I also have been praying, and I have come to love almost anything in plain sight.

In a way; in a screwed up way, I love my ex host mom for the only thing she was really good for, and that was showing me what true anger looked like.

If I didn't know that was how anger looked like; I would still remain my negative self.

Right now; I have made a plan that by leaving that house; I am also leaving my negativity behind.

This is a fresh new start; and I have seen what holding grudges against everyone does to you mentally.

It eats at you; and you are physically unable to make human relationships work.

The prime example of this, was of course, that beautiful ex host mother of mine.

So just like Elizabeth Gilbert gained all that weight in Italy,

I will continue to gain my weight here in this house until the 25th.

I will continue to soak up all the love that I have been missing out on;

learning all the beautiful idioms that my current host mom uses in her daily language,

and I will just love.

I can't do anything else really. =]

What do I have to lose now? :)

All my love always,

April

something i've never felt before

I've been trying to write a blog about the 19th of July for a long time;
and I've been trying to talk about it, trying to let out some of the emotions that I've been harboring inside of me but;
for once in my life, words cannot express what I feel inside.
The words are stuck, they are sitting at the back of my throat just waiting to be spoken into existence but;
it doesn't happen, and I don't think it ever will happen.

On the 19th of July, tragedy and wonder combined into one,
and following many unfortunate events later, I find myself entering a different part of Japan;
and I find myself, back at square one, back at the start, lugging my life all around in watermelon boxes, trying to maybe find that one family that will love me, for me.
Finding, searching and trying to adjust; yet again.

My new family make it easy.
They make is so...easy.
It's funny; I thought that the Japanese culture was always oppresive and restricting but this family show me a different side of hospitality that I thought was lost when I first came here in April.
A love and understanding that I've never had since I've been here.
I've realized that although I've changed for the better; (meaning I am stronger to take on scary domestic housewives and broken umbrellas), I've also changed for the worse.
I've become this girl that has been so accustomed to live in fear that I find myself afraid of conflict.
My new host mom is one of the kindest, and most compassionate people I've met so far in my stay here in Japan.
With each and every passing day, I love them more and more.
They do things for me that my past host family wouldn't even have thought of doing.
They care for me so much because they know that I have gone through hell and have made it out alive,
and they are such amazing, wonderful people for accepting me in their home until I move to another family.

According to her; what she's doing now its not compassion; its just human,
and what I've experienced since April, its not human.
I've forgotten what human love was, and when you finally have the love just... showered endlessly upon you all of a sudden?
You appreciate.
I appreciate, and I cannot stop feeling grateful.
For a proper dinner, for a nice shower, for a good thick mattress.
For the freedom to use the air conditioner when I want to,
and although I am gaining weight faster than ever before,
I am thankful.
That I can afford to gain.
The fact that I have food that is good enough for my body to categorize it as 'rich' food; I am glad.
I've never been so thankful for simple things in my life before.
This is a feeling that is so humbling, so pure, that I am thinking that maybe those 3 months of torture were necessary for me to feel this...peaceful, once again.
So, I thank my Father up in Heaven, for both the pain, and for both the joy.
For I fought evil with good, and now I am reaping the benefits and blessings which have been made possible only through prayer and hope.

I have made out of this day alive, and as my journey in Japan continues, I hope that it only gets better from here on.
My old host family do not have any effect on me now.
They are still trying to restrict me in ways that are just simply incomprehensible.
My host mom forced my company to make me sign a contract saying that I will not contact the two exchange girls that are staying with them currently; because I am 'no longer a part of the family, and it is none of her business to mix around with mine"
Well, I can tell you, dear lovely woman, that I have done exactly the opposite. =]

I am genuinely going to miss this girl so much. 

She has been my support system back in that house of horror, and its sad that she's leaving for Belgium this Saturday but;
part of being on exchange is saying goodbye,
and I will have to say goodbye soon to many, many people.
I wish her all the best; and if you are reading this?

Thank you. =] 

For everything, for listening to me cry, and for laughing with me about the dysfunction back in that family.

My religion is also a huge problem with my company.
"You can believe in your God, just please do not practice your religion. Do not go to church on a Sunday, it is not the Japanese lifestyle"
My company, that stupid company, needs to just burn into the ground.
How can you claim to be an 'exchange' company, when you can't even accept the fact that one cannot believe in something and not practice it?!
It's simply saying that "hey, I believe that I'm a good person but I'm not gonna do good things"
The hypocrisy, it blows my mind.
It simply escapes me, this company.

I had to find my two host families all by myself, and with the help of friends and contacts.
Did my company do squat?
Oh, they didnt.
They wouldn't even try.
"April- you found your own host family? Oh I see. We were going to do it but not as fast as you wanted us to..."
Yeah, bitches, I know. You don't need to tell me. =]

So although I've lost the battle,
and although my host family forced me to clean the whole house on the very last day of my stay,
including scrubbing the floors with a measly old cloth, and beating the cushions with a stick for an hour,
I have won this war.
They still may be very hung up on me, and talking bad about me to whomever gives a crap;
but all I know is that; I have escaped.
It can only get better from now.
Sure; I may live in Chiba, which is quite far from where I used to live from Tokyo,
but I like it.
It's very suburban, and at least I can duly say I've lived in the two prefectures that surround Tokyo.
Saitama, goodbye for now.
Hello, Chiba.
Hope you will love me just as much as I have come to love you.

I am moving to my new family on the 25th July, and this temporary host family are extremely sad to see me go.
I never knew anyone would try and negotiate for me to stay longer for free.
If it wasn't for my awful cat allergies, I would try and stay longer.
They are adorable, but they give me fiery red itchy eyes that somewhat make me look like an Asian vampire. =/

Gah, I'm starting to fall in love with cats. 

You really want what you can't have. :P

I've never known this love; or maybe I did, but I forget.
All I know is that I'm bursting with love for everyone around me now;
for although all my love was once sucked out of me,
Just as my body is bursting from all the good food,
so is my heart bursting with love and appreciation for this family, and hopefully I will feel the same with my next family.

And to everyone; your support via Facebook, Msn, and just the good ol' internet?
Thank you so much.
If it wasn't for your support; and knowing that someone out there cared;
I don't think I would have made it this far.
You all gave me the strength to stand up for myself when everyone tried to squish me down,
and you gave me the courage to hope, even when there wasn't any hope.

So, with truly, all my love always,

April.

oh don't we all love oppression.

I wonder what my company was thinking when they interviewed my host mom.

Upon first impression she seems untidy, messy, and a bit delusional. She looks lost, as if she’s confined by the laws of this culture, when in actuality, it’s just because she’s incapable of being anything else.

I wonder what my company was thinking when they decided to put me in this house. This dysfunctional, delusional, and wacked up family that takes out all its problems on young foreigners in a country that doesn’t speak a word of English. I wonder what this screwed up company was thinking when they decided that it was alright to put me into a family where discrimination and discouragement was considered necessary to bring up one’s child.

I wonder, and I continue to wonder.

I’ve been here for three months and I can honestly say that my host family experience has been so shit. There is no other word to express this; but my host family has been utterly shit. They haven’t been nice to me at all, and when they do, it’s only really because they want something in return.

I’ve been branded a liar, a deceiver, a two faced foreigner, stupid, idiotic, and also ugly. On what basis does a company select a family like this? In fact, this family shouldn’t even be a family. I feel sorry for their little girl; having parents that have the most screwed up thinking and a mom that is so unforgiving and quick to anger and slow to any form of good in her life? Poor, poor kid.

I wonder what my company has been thinking, by selecting families over and over again that continue to give problems to all the teenagers that are their customers in the first place.

Don’t they realize, that without us, their stupid company wouldn’t even exist in the first place? Do they not understand that without the exchange student, there would be no family? Do they not understand?

My company is one of the worst companies to ever grace the face of this planet; if not THE worst ever. Let me explain why. 

First, they call themselves “World Youth Society”, WYS, for short, and yet they cater to only the families that ‘take on the poor idiotic foreign kids’, and automatically assume that whatever the host families decides is right- no matter how ridiculous and stupid they may be.

For example; the umbrella. 

Oh, God bless that Mickey Mouse Umbrella. 

My host parents lent me an umbrella, and I left it at school by accident. Long story short, it broke. It broke, and I had no idea who broke it, nor do I give a shit, really, it’s just an umbrella.

But out of obligation, and social etiquette(I would think), I bought a new umbrella for her, to say “hey, sorry your umbrella broke, so here’s a new one for ya.”

If I was anybody; a delusional host mom, a screwed up host dad, I would be thankful. I would think, “wow, gee, you didn’t needa buy me a new umbrella! Thanks so much”

But no. This was not the case. My host mom proceeded to make just about the hugest fuss about this umbrella, you would think that because the umbrella broke, so did her family. Unfortunately, her family has already broken long, LONG before this stupid umbrella even did, so I do not know what the hell she’s complaining about. She claimed that she wanted me to SHOW the broken umbrella to her.

Now, lady. Oh, sweet lost lady, you poor child you. I just feel so sorry for you now.

In what universe, does someone DO that?

It’s kinda like, “oh gee whiz hon’, I kinda broke your precious lil’ mickey mouse umbrella but in life, shit happens ya know? So here ya go. Broken umbrella just to match your broken home”

She didn’t get my gesture. My gesture of kindness ,and concern. And guess who didn’t understand it either? My LOVELY company. They too, think I should have brought back a broken umbrella to show it to my host mom; and then proceed to apologize a thousand times until I run out of breath and turn purple in the face.

But if it wasn’t for this umbrella, I wouldn’t get this opportunity to get out.

I wouldn’t get the chance, this glimpse of hope that ‘yes, I am getting out of this dysfunctional and retarded family’, and hopefully to a better one.

However, I have my doubts. Look at WYS as a company. Their success rates with selecting host families are so low, if not non existent, I am skeptical and highly concerned about my new host family.

I am not even sure if I have a new host family; all I know is that I am moving out, but to where, per say, and when? Of course, I get zero contact from my company. Of course I don’t. They would rather I writhe and struggle under the grips of my host family, writhing about like a worm, before they relieve me of any of the stress that I have been having these past 3 months. 

The two other exchange students that live with me are also struggling with the concept of this family. I am banned, from having fun, says my host father. And although summer vacation has started, they are not letting me go out this weekend, claiming that my time now is purely to pack my luggages, and to think about the consequences and evil, evil things that I have done.

I just wanna smack them in the face. I just wanna take my huge polka dot luggage, smack them in the face, and that is that. How DARE they? Punish me for what, exactly? For being human? For being foreign? If you didn’t like me to begin with, kick me out earlier! Why did you insist on stealing 3 months of my exchange for your own selfish benefit? I have literally 7 months left in this exchange, and so far, it has been absolutely intolerable because of my host family, and my useless unsupportive company.

What happens now? I do not have a bloody clue. I am literally homeless, but in prison somehow. Somehow, I am on probation? I still have that ‘april-is-a-baka’ meeting tomorrow, and my patience is wearing thin. 

If I do not get out tomorrow; I literally fear for my very life.

Guess where my company comes in with this?

I quote, “well, you broke the rules of WYS you know, and I don’t really know what is happening right now, per say, so maybe, you should just wait to the 19^th, and right now, just please be good okay, you have to try, you signed up on our program…”

WHAT INCOMPETENCY! What rules have I broken? Am I knocked up? Am I on drugs? Am I not doing well at school? Have I not tried my best time and time again to please a family that is intent on my unhappiness? You, as a ‘counselor’, are by far, the worse counselor in the history of counselors to date.  How is that in any way comforting? How is that, in ANY WAY HELPFUL ?!

Just a word of warning. Do not come with my company to Japan if you are EVER thinking of doing an exchange. The sheer idiocrisy, hypocrisy, and utter incompetency and incapability to cater towards cultural differences, picking out host families, and understanding a foreign student is literally bar none to zero. My company will not offer you emotional support. They want you to suffer, and writhe in pain.

I feel threatened to stay in this home. I feel a fear for my life. Sometimes, when my host dad and mom interrupt me while I’m eating dinner, I have to forcefully swallow the tears as I eat because crying is a huge no-no for them. Whenever I get teary, she warns me to stop or else she will get angrier. How is this in ANY way parenting skills at all?

I do not know how I am going to get out of here. Tomorrow, I plan to. Taxi, NZ Embassy, school’s friends homes, anything. I am getting out of this house, and I do not care if they try and stop me. The girl that is living with me described my situation with this one word, that i just thought really matched the situation I am in right now?

And that word, ladies and gentlemen, is oppression.

I do not know how I survived this long, and why I tolerated so much. According to my lovely host parents, they are the one that have been tolerating me, and I beg to differ.

OH, how you have suffered, all those free dinners, and not to mention the free food I buy back for you.

OH how you have endured watching TV while I scrub your toilets and stairs.

OH, the pain, the insufferable pain.

Tomorrow is IT.

I will get out; and I am praying so hard for superhuman strength to lug my luggage all the way down those evil stairs because OF COURSE no one will help me with a 30KG luggage.

OF COURSE NOT. This evil, evil child deserves no kindness.

She is to suffer, no?

So until then; if you do not hear from me, or if my facebook is eerily quiet?

It’s either I died from trying to leave this house, and they shot me or something,

Or maybe, just maybe, I am on my way to a new family that will give me the one emotion that a family should give in abundance, and that is love.

All my love always, although I do not know if anyone would care for such damaged love;

April.

Change

Deep down in my heart I knew.

I knew that being satisfied; contented, with the state I was in would somehow plummet into chaos.

I was right, of course it would. But even I surprised myself. I didn’t expect this.

Not from Japan, not ever. 

The situation I am in is so dark. It’s so dark and dreary, that I would need to wear shades when I visit the Underworld.

Worse still, Hades is like my new best friend and we trade secrets on makeup and such. 

Somehow though; the situation has turned around to become my fault. Oh surprise, surprise.

The fact of the matter is that she flipped her nut.

What grown woman of the age of 35 screams and yells, slams the doors, and curls up in foetal position screaming and crying? For no good reason?

I live with one. What’s worse; is that it went from “hey, I’m sorry I threw a tantrum at you”, to, “so the REASON I did so was because you take up too much of my oxygen with those huge lungs of yours, but you also take up Tokyo’s oxygen, by going out too much.”

How did this situation turn around from me requesting change; a change for the better, and a change for the good, to becoming “So, you should give it another go. Your host family love you; really.”

Well, if love is exchanging awkward greetings when you get home and not talking, then gee whiz, I am missing out on something big here.

If love is yelling out insults and names, then I’m obviously a very hateful person because I don’t do such things.

There is a limit, that one can take.

Yes, I will clean your whole goddamn house for you before I leave for any kind of social activity, because yes, I have made friends, and oh how unfortunate it is for them to want to spend time with me. I’m so sorry, going out is such a hassle. I would MUCH rather stay here, in this house, watching the same episode of Glee for the 15^th time. Yes, I would.

Yes, I will also cook dinner for you, and lunch too, and what? Breakfast? Sure, no problem.

But sorry, no, this baka gaijin, this idiot of a “child”, cannot possibly take this anymore.

You do not have a right to come into my room and yell at me for no reason whatsoever. 

I have become a walking, talking, breathing stress ball.

Whenever she is stressed, I am what she takes it out on.

Sure, you do that to the ones you love, and yes, family forgives.

But no one can be family within the duration of less than 3 months.

You might think so in theory, but in reality, that is past impossibility.

You cannot force me to like the rules that you have imposed on me unfairly.

The fact that I obey them; despite my huge dislike for them, does that not show humility and respect ?

Does that not show that I am grateful for being ‘welcomed’ in this ‘home’?

Apparently not. 

Apparently I have to completely fall in love with the idea of a curfew, and the idea of not being me, in order to have a healthy relationship with the devil itself.

Age is not defined by a number; and I believe that whole heartedly.

Japan disagrees quite strongly, but then again, Japan kills whales so, guess who’s right here?

If you aren’t 20, you are considered a child.

But then again, my fellow Japanese men, you feminist’ nightmares, you gender confused, pitiful and pathetic fellow men, does throwing a tantrum at the age of 35 while a 17 year old watches on quietly really mean that she’s the adult, and I’m the child?

So far; in all the problems that have occurred in this ‘home’, in this ‘household’, I’ve been the adult. I’ve always been the one to humble myself, heck, I’ve never raised my voice once.

Let alone have a PMS charged tantrum fit.

After this lovely tantrum fit, my host dad came into my room and shut the door, 

to explain to me that his wife has issues controlling her temper, 

and that he feels genuinely sorry for me to be in this position.

However; it soon shifted to becoming how he wanted me to stay in this house so badly, and talks about compromise, and all that stupid crap.

I didn’t listen to a word he was saying, because all I could think was “he shut the door.”

Fear has never enveloped me like that before.

You see, I am scared of a lot of things.

Cockroaches, Pinocchio, to say the least.

But this kind of fear, the fear of being harmed?

It’s like no other.

I’ve been harassed by some lunatics back in Malaysia when I would use to go on holiday but this situation was.. and is still, very much different.

It’s truly by God’s grace that nothing happened.

My lovely, lovely company won’t grant me my change of host family.

Even after knowing all of this, they do not understand.

They think that it’s ‘too bad’ that it happened,

But it’s fixable.

It’s like hammering at a broken nail.

It’s like trying to put toothpaste back into the tube.

It cannot be done, and the only solution is CHANGE.

After 5 hours of tears, ‘counselling’, these crazy japs call it, which just involved cruel, and harsh accusation at my character, lifestyle, and just my mere existence really,

Look at where I am now?

 I am back at square one.

My host family refuses to give me up.

In the loudest voice possible, can we all just shout WHY THE HELL NOT?!

If I am such a ‘burden’ and if I am so ‘ungrateful and selfish, and not mention horrible’, then why NOT kick me out?

I’ll be glad to oblige, I would pack my bags in an hour if you want me to.

Because truth is, I want out, so badly.
I cannot take it anymore.

This family is so contradicting.

Japan, it’s contradicting, but no one, not even a Japanese native, should have to undergo this domestic violence and disruption.

The irony is; I’ve done nothing wrong.

Nothing. All I’ve done is just give, and give,

They’re taking everything I’ve done for them for granted, disregarding it,

And using my lifestyle as an excuse for the tempers and verbal abuse.

Apparently,  ‘the amount of pain’ that I have inflicted upon the family, because I ‘go out too much’, has been a direct cause of the abuse I am undergoing.

And according to my sharp and lovely company, this is my entire fault.

It is I that needs to apologize.

It is I that needs to change.

I’ve made a conscious effort to stay at home lately; spend time with the FAM bam and all.

This hasn’t been working because she’s not in either.

She’s been out of the house doing her own thing.

So, I really do wonder, host mom.

Do you have a problem with me going out, or the fact that you have a problem with me having a social life alongside your non existent one?

Because according to my amazing company; you have a problem with my going out.

But you aren’t in the house either; and when I offered to accompany you to places, you told me to stay inside.

So is it just me, or do you enjoy seeing me writhe in pain?

She is truly a huge fat overweight kid on a hill, struggling with self identity and such, and deciding to squish all the normal hardworking striving ants (exchange kids) along the way.

How do they filter these families anyway!

I feel so sorry for the next girl that has to live with this family.

Coming on this exchange, I didn’t know life would be so hard in this way.

Sure, money and transport, whatever.

Friends even; “can I make friends?”

Those factors about this exchange I am having is truly the least of my troubles.

The only thing I can’t do now?

I can’t survive in this environment.

I need out; I need change, and for as long as it takes, I am going to fight for my way out of this house.

For a house is truly not a home, and this is far from anything welcoming or loving.

Up till now; I’ve been patient.

However, this is the last straw.

For everything to turn around, and for it to blow up in my face and say that I’m the one that’s ungrateful and have problems?

No.

I’ve had enough.

Yes, despite my being here in Japan,

And despite your stupid anal rules,

I am a human, and I have my rights too.

Name at least one proper reason why I don’t possess these rights,

And then I’ll remain here in this ‘home’.

I’m unable to love this family.

I know I’m supposed to, and I’m trying so hard but,

Where is it supposed to come from?

I’ve run so dry.

How do you love someone knowing they just want you miserable?

How do you love someone knowing that the potential of greater love is out there somewhere?

If you have the answer, just let me know,

Because I’m done trying to find one.

All my love always,

April  

Officially Three Months

It’s been three months.

I’ve made it. 

I am past that mark that is apparently so damn difficult to get across. 

It literally is taught in exchange companies all over the world that the first two months, (not two and a half, two), is the hardest. I disagree, because I’ve just had ups and downs throughout these first two months as opposed to having two straight months of depression. (Thank God.)

Summer is literally just around the corner. The things I’ve wanted to do since I’ve gotten here haven’t changed. Climbing that mountain, watching the fireworks, spending time with friends, studying Japanese; it hasn’t changed.

In fact; I’ve got a pleasant pile of untouched books and Kumon worksheets alike to get through in the upcoming summer. Since when did vacation become so stressful? Welcome to Japan.

There are two girls that arrived yesterday from Belgium and Taiwan. I have no idea why I have to suddenly become the world’s worst translator yet to date, but apparently that is what I am now.

The Belgium girl can only speak English, and yes you guessed it, the Taiwanese girl can only speak Chinese. I can speak neither, but the fact that I can speak some would naturally put me in the obligatory position of interpreter in the family. IT is CHALLENGING. I have no idea how I survived a whole 7 hours of doing so last night, but I did, and my God, I should get paid! XD

It’s amusing because Chinese is obviously my weaker language, seeing as I never practice. So, talking to the Chinese girl, I would substitute words I am not familiar with in Japanese, or even Hokkien. She understands the latter; because Taiyu is similar to Hokkien. They are built on the same dialect. =] Don’t you love the beauty of languages?

It’s such amazing practice for me though; I can finally utilize all three languages with one another without having to always fall back onto English. Japanese is becoming the language that I have to use in this environment in order to express what I want to say; (or what the other girls would want to say), so maybe this will help me improve my Japanese too. Fingers crossed, I’ll be freaking legendary at Japanese after summer vacation is over.

Surprisingly, my host family is acknowledging the fact that I can switch between the three when the situation demands it (all the time), and the atmosphere has changed.

 I sense a hint of appreciation, but maybe that’s just the heat getting to me. Maybe, but one can hope right? J

Reflecting on my stay  here in Japan so far; I’ve realized that I’ve got a heck of a lot to be thankful for.

Sure, I have gone through things that no one in their lives should ever be forced to go through, and sure, I constantly live in this weird state of fear and major unaware of identity when someone makes a comment about my looks, and ability to think like an adult, but it’s okay.

These entire situations just link down to the one thing that I’ve always struggled with, and that is the fact that I care too damn much.

If I didn’t care so much, if I didn’t seek so much approval, I would be a much happier person. I’ve noticed that the times I am most happy? I am not trying to be the perfect home stay girl. I am not trying to cram Kanji down my throat, in hopes that they would be digested into my system. I am happy, when I choose to be happy, and not let the *little* things get to me.  

There are little moments in my exchange that make me remember why I wanted to come to Japan. Although there are times when I am in the train, and the little TV flashes by saying another “accident” has happened, and I cringe in awareness of the fact that someone has committed suicide yet again, I am slowly starting to accept that this is the culture that they are brought up in.

They are brought up in a culture that doesn’t have room for any dilly dally. You just have to move on with life. Look at history, and compare it with now? Nothing has really changed. It makes you think the Japanese people are cold, cruel, and have no ability to love.

But after thinking about it; maybe they want to wallow in self pity such as myself; but they know they can’t. Because life goes on, and even when the shit does hit the fan, if you don’t clean it up, the situation won’t change. So they proceed on changing that situation as fast as possible with as little emotion involved. It’s hard to accept the first time round, heck, its hard to accept it now. But I’m convinced that if I write this into existence I’ll somehow believe it anyway.

There are also the times when I just want to scream. WHY am I here, when I can be somewhere else? WHY, WHY, and WHY. But I realize that if you turn those questions into a “How”, its just so much easier. So instead of asking why I have to do something, I ask myself, “how can I do this the fastest and simplest way possible while maximizing  all the benefits one may gain from lets say; cleaning the school toilets”

And when my host family makes me clean the whole entire house before I leave to go have fun with friends, I won’t ask why, I’ll ask “how can I clean these stairs at lightning speed without tripping over myself and creating more scars to add to the collection I already have on my legs?”

You know what? It’s okay. This is boot camp for me before I enter some magazine company that makes me bring coffee for everyone in the first year or two. This is training for me ,to not cry when I write articles in the future that get ridiculed for being amateur. This is just an opportunity for me to toughen up and not take everything so damn personally.

Yes, I can hear the “I told you so”, from a million people all around the world.

My God, I am flattering myself. More like the one person that would read my blog (hi mom). And yes, I agree with you; you were right, and I was wrong. I am an over emotional raging twat that should really stop reverting to shopping and eating as a way to “release her stress”.

It’s such a mentality thing. My being here; its clear as day.

To discover photos like these ones!

No not really. 

It’s really just to slap me in the face and tell me to grow the hell up.

Reading my previous blogs; God I am so damn whiny. (But I still like to whine, so bear with me)

I whine about all the negatives because I fail in finding the positives in the situation.

But how can there be a negative if there isn’t a positive?

So while I am here, while I am surviving, while I’m living, I’ll always try and look on the bright side prior to listing out the tones of negatives that are so easy for me to find. So when everything has gone wrong? I’ll just write my positives into existence, and maybe they will happen in real life. Maybe, just maybe, the happier I write myself to be, I will be in reality. 

(Does that even make ANY SENSE grammatically? I should really delete that sentence, I will. Later. Maybe 20 years down the road when I stumble upon this blog again, and laugh at my pathetic choice of word combination and structure)

All my love always,

April