something i've never felt before

I've been trying to write a blog about the 19th of July for a long time;
and I've been trying to talk about it, trying to let out some of the emotions that I've been harboring inside of me but;
for once in my life, words cannot express what I feel inside.
The words are stuck, they are sitting at the back of my throat just waiting to be spoken into existence but;
it doesn't happen, and I don't think it ever will happen.

On the 19th of July, tragedy and wonder combined into one,
and following many unfortunate events later, I find myself entering a different part of Japan;
and I find myself, back at square one, back at the start, lugging my life all around in watermelon boxes, trying to maybe find that one family that will love me, for me.
Finding, searching and trying to adjust; yet again.

My new family make it easy.
They make is so...easy.
It's funny; I thought that the Japanese culture was always oppresive and restricting but this family show me a different side of hospitality that I thought was lost when I first came here in April.
A love and understanding that I've never had since I've been here.
I've realized that although I've changed for the better; (meaning I am stronger to take on scary domestic housewives and broken umbrellas), I've also changed for the worse.
I've become this girl that has been so accustomed to live in fear that I find myself afraid of conflict.
My new host mom is one of the kindest, and most compassionate people I've met so far in my stay here in Japan.
With each and every passing day, I love them more and more.
They do things for me that my past host family wouldn't even have thought of doing.
They care for me so much because they know that I have gone through hell and have made it out alive,
and they are such amazing, wonderful people for accepting me in their home until I move to another family.

According to her; what she's doing now its not compassion; its just human,
and what I've experienced since April, its not human.
I've forgotten what human love was, and when you finally have the love just... showered endlessly upon you all of a sudden?
You appreciate.
I appreciate, and I cannot stop feeling grateful.
For a proper dinner, for a nice shower, for a good thick mattress.
For the freedom to use the air conditioner when I want to,
and although I am gaining weight faster than ever before,
I am thankful.
That I can afford to gain.
The fact that I have food that is good enough for my body to categorize it as 'rich' food; I am glad.
I've never been so thankful for simple things in my life before.
This is a feeling that is so humbling, so pure, that I am thinking that maybe those 3 months of torture were necessary for me to feel this...peaceful, once again.
So, I thank my Father up in Heaven, for both the pain, and for both the joy.
For I fought evil with good, and now I am reaping the benefits and blessings which have been made possible only through prayer and hope.

I have made out of this day alive, and as my journey in Japan continues, I hope that it only gets better from here on.
My old host family do not have any effect on me now.
They are still trying to restrict me in ways that are just simply incomprehensible.
My host mom forced my company to make me sign a contract saying that I will not contact the two exchange girls that are staying with them currently; because I am 'no longer a part of the family, and it is none of her business to mix around with mine"
Well, I can tell you, dear lovely woman, that I have done exactly the opposite. =]

I am genuinely going to miss this girl so much. 

She has been my support system back in that house of horror, and its sad that she's leaving for Belgium this Saturday but;
part of being on exchange is saying goodbye,
and I will have to say goodbye soon to many, many people.
I wish her all the best; and if you are reading this?

Thank you. =] 

For everything, for listening to me cry, and for laughing with me about the dysfunction back in that family.

My religion is also a huge problem with my company.
"You can believe in your God, just please do not practice your religion. Do not go to church on a Sunday, it is not the Japanese lifestyle"
My company, that stupid company, needs to just burn into the ground.
How can you claim to be an 'exchange' company, when you can't even accept the fact that one cannot believe in something and not practice it?!
It's simply saying that "hey, I believe that I'm a good person but I'm not gonna do good things"
The hypocrisy, it blows my mind.
It simply escapes me, this company.

I had to find my two host families all by myself, and with the help of friends and contacts.
Did my company do squat?
Oh, they didnt.
They wouldn't even try.
"April- you found your own host family? Oh I see. We were going to do it but not as fast as you wanted us to..."
Yeah, bitches, I know. You don't need to tell me. =]

So although I've lost the battle,
and although my host family forced me to clean the whole house on the very last day of my stay,
including scrubbing the floors with a measly old cloth, and beating the cushions with a stick for an hour,
I have won this war.
They still may be very hung up on me, and talking bad about me to whomever gives a crap;
but all I know is that; I have escaped.
It can only get better from now.
Sure; I may live in Chiba, which is quite far from where I used to live from Tokyo,
but I like it.
It's very suburban, and at least I can duly say I've lived in the two prefectures that surround Tokyo.
Saitama, goodbye for now.
Hello, Chiba.
Hope you will love me just as much as I have come to love you.

I am moving to my new family on the 25th July, and this temporary host family are extremely sad to see me go.
I never knew anyone would try and negotiate for me to stay longer for free.
If it wasn't for my awful cat allergies, I would try and stay longer.
They are adorable, but they give me fiery red itchy eyes that somewhat make me look like an Asian vampire. =/

Gah, I'm starting to fall in love with cats. 

You really want what you can't have. :P

I've never known this love; or maybe I did, but I forget.
All I know is that I'm bursting with love for everyone around me now;
for although all my love was once sucked out of me,
Just as my body is bursting from all the good food,
so is my heart bursting with love and appreciation for this family, and hopefully I will feel the same with my next family.

And to everyone; your support via Facebook, Msn, and just the good ol' internet?
Thank you so much.
If it wasn't for your support; and knowing that someone out there cared;
I don't think I would have made it this far.
You all gave me the strength to stand up for myself when everyone tried to squish me down,
and you gave me the courage to hope, even when there wasn't any hope.

So, with truly, all my love always,

April.