Change

Deep down in my heart I knew.

I knew that being satisfied; contented, with the state I was in would somehow plummet into chaos.

I was right, of course it would. But even I surprised myself. I didn’t expect this.

Not from Japan, not ever. 

The situation I am in is so dark. It’s so dark and dreary, that I would need to wear shades when I visit the Underworld.

Worse still, Hades is like my new best friend and we trade secrets on makeup and such. 

Somehow though; the situation has turned around to become my fault. Oh surprise, surprise.

The fact of the matter is that she flipped her nut.

What grown woman of the age of 35 screams and yells, slams the doors, and curls up in foetal position screaming and crying? For no good reason?

I live with one. What’s worse; is that it went from “hey, I’m sorry I threw a tantrum at you”, to, “so the REASON I did so was because you take up too much of my oxygen with those huge lungs of yours, but you also take up Tokyo’s oxygen, by going out too much.”

How did this situation turn around from me requesting change; a change for the better, and a change for the good, to becoming “So, you should give it another go. Your host family love you; really.”

Well, if love is exchanging awkward greetings when you get home and not talking, then gee whiz, I am missing out on something big here.

If love is yelling out insults and names, then I’m obviously a very hateful person because I don’t do such things.

There is a limit, that one can take.

Yes, I will clean your whole goddamn house for you before I leave for any kind of social activity, because yes, I have made friends, and oh how unfortunate it is for them to want to spend time with me. I’m so sorry, going out is such a hassle. I would MUCH rather stay here, in this house, watching the same episode of Glee for the 15^th time. Yes, I would.

Yes, I will also cook dinner for you, and lunch too, and what? Breakfast? Sure, no problem.

But sorry, no, this baka gaijin, this idiot of a “child”, cannot possibly take this anymore.

You do not have a right to come into my room and yell at me for no reason whatsoever. 

I have become a walking, talking, breathing stress ball.

Whenever she is stressed, I am what she takes it out on.

Sure, you do that to the ones you love, and yes, family forgives.

But no one can be family within the duration of less than 3 months.

You might think so in theory, but in reality, that is past impossibility.

You cannot force me to like the rules that you have imposed on me unfairly.

The fact that I obey them; despite my huge dislike for them, does that not show humility and respect ?

Does that not show that I am grateful for being ‘welcomed’ in this ‘home’?

Apparently not. 

Apparently I have to completely fall in love with the idea of a curfew, and the idea of not being me, in order to have a healthy relationship with the devil itself.

Age is not defined by a number; and I believe that whole heartedly.

Japan disagrees quite strongly, but then again, Japan kills whales so, guess who’s right here?

If you aren’t 20, you are considered a child.

But then again, my fellow Japanese men, you feminist’ nightmares, you gender confused, pitiful and pathetic fellow men, does throwing a tantrum at the age of 35 while a 17 year old watches on quietly really mean that she’s the adult, and I’m the child?

So far; in all the problems that have occurred in this ‘home’, in this ‘household’, I’ve been the adult. I’ve always been the one to humble myself, heck, I’ve never raised my voice once.

Let alone have a PMS charged tantrum fit.

After this lovely tantrum fit, my host dad came into my room and shut the door, 

to explain to me that his wife has issues controlling her temper, 

and that he feels genuinely sorry for me to be in this position.

However; it soon shifted to becoming how he wanted me to stay in this house so badly, and talks about compromise, and all that stupid crap.

I didn’t listen to a word he was saying, because all I could think was “he shut the door.”

Fear has never enveloped me like that before.

You see, I am scared of a lot of things.

Cockroaches, Pinocchio, to say the least.

But this kind of fear, the fear of being harmed?

It’s like no other.

I’ve been harassed by some lunatics back in Malaysia when I would use to go on holiday but this situation was.. and is still, very much different.

It’s truly by God’s grace that nothing happened.

My lovely, lovely company won’t grant me my change of host family.

Even after knowing all of this, they do not understand.

They think that it’s ‘too bad’ that it happened,

But it’s fixable.

It’s like hammering at a broken nail.

It’s like trying to put toothpaste back into the tube.

It cannot be done, and the only solution is CHANGE.

After 5 hours of tears, ‘counselling’, these crazy japs call it, which just involved cruel, and harsh accusation at my character, lifestyle, and just my mere existence really,

Look at where I am now?

 I am back at square one.

My host family refuses to give me up.

In the loudest voice possible, can we all just shout WHY THE HELL NOT?!

If I am such a ‘burden’ and if I am so ‘ungrateful and selfish, and not mention horrible’, then why NOT kick me out?

I’ll be glad to oblige, I would pack my bags in an hour if you want me to.

Because truth is, I want out, so badly.
I cannot take it anymore.

This family is so contradicting.

Japan, it’s contradicting, but no one, not even a Japanese native, should have to undergo this domestic violence and disruption.

The irony is; I’ve done nothing wrong.

Nothing. All I’ve done is just give, and give,

They’re taking everything I’ve done for them for granted, disregarding it,

And using my lifestyle as an excuse for the tempers and verbal abuse.

Apparently,  ‘the amount of pain’ that I have inflicted upon the family, because I ‘go out too much’, has been a direct cause of the abuse I am undergoing.

And according to my sharp and lovely company, this is my entire fault.

It is I that needs to apologize.

It is I that needs to change.

I’ve made a conscious effort to stay at home lately; spend time with the FAM bam and all.

This hasn’t been working because she’s not in either.

She’s been out of the house doing her own thing.

So, I really do wonder, host mom.

Do you have a problem with me going out, or the fact that you have a problem with me having a social life alongside your non existent one?

Because according to my amazing company; you have a problem with my going out.

But you aren’t in the house either; and when I offered to accompany you to places, you told me to stay inside.

So is it just me, or do you enjoy seeing me writhe in pain?

She is truly a huge fat overweight kid on a hill, struggling with self identity and such, and deciding to squish all the normal hardworking striving ants (exchange kids) along the way.

How do they filter these families anyway!

I feel so sorry for the next girl that has to live with this family.

Coming on this exchange, I didn’t know life would be so hard in this way.

Sure, money and transport, whatever.

Friends even; “can I make friends?”

Those factors about this exchange I am having is truly the least of my troubles.

The only thing I can’t do now?

I can’t survive in this environment.

I need out; I need change, and for as long as it takes, I am going to fight for my way out of this house.

For a house is truly not a home, and this is far from anything welcoming or loving.

Up till now; I’ve been patient.

However, this is the last straw.

For everything to turn around, and for it to blow up in my face and say that I’m the one that’s ungrateful and have problems?

No.

I’ve had enough.

Yes, despite my being here in Japan,

And despite your stupid anal rules,

I am a human, and I have my rights too.

Name at least one proper reason why I don’t possess these rights,

And then I’ll remain here in this ‘home’.

I’m unable to love this family.

I know I’m supposed to, and I’m trying so hard but,

Where is it supposed to come from?

I’ve run so dry.

How do you love someone knowing they just want you miserable?

How do you love someone knowing that the potential of greater love is out there somewhere?

If you have the answer, just let me know,

Because I’m done trying to find one.

All my love always,

April