eat, pray, and love

There's this book that has probably been out for some time now.
It's by Elizabeth Gilbert; and its not the kind of book I would read, I think, just because it's not written by Jodi Picoult (not really, I am not that picky!)

There is also a movie coming out that is based on the book really soon,
starring Julia Roberts and some random hunk that I can't remember the name of.
I think its.. James Dean? James Franco! Excuse me.
He's like caramel, really, so, I don't think a name is necessary in this situation. =]

The book starts off amazing; and you are drawn in by her witty way of phrasing her sentences,
and her cute, smart observations with each and every comparison made.
However, as you draw towards the end of the book; this soon starts to dissipate, and a huge overwhelming punch will hit you in your gut as you realized that there really was nothing to be excited about in the first place.
Except- there really is.

I've noticed that one can really relate to this book.
Sure, I didn't go through a shit divorce.
And I didnt exactly have a sexy affair following my 'divorce' with a sex god,
but at the end of this episode, she is wrung out.
As was I.

Following the three months of my stay in the house of horrors,
I didn't know how I managed to do it, but I managed to find two new host families; one temporary, one permanent, to take me in.
This was meant, and still is meant to be my company's responsibility,
but then again, does my company have the word responsible written anywhere in their vocabulary, I wonder.
They screwed me over; and good, might I add,
and somehow made me think it was my fault that
I got verbally and emotionally abused every single day for three months.

However, I've survived, and I'm just glad to have made it out alive.
I find myself here in this house, grateful,
and trying to heal from all the things that have happened to me recently.
But I also find myself empty.
Empty because I do not know what to think anymore about this culture, this...Japan, that I thought I had figured out.

But I like being empty.
This emptiness is refreshing because I am so open minded to anything new now; I realize that anger is an emotion that has totally escaped me.
Its hard to get angry; when you've seen how anger looks like.
I've seen, and boy it's ugly. (sorry ex-host mom, but you kinda looked constipated when you were tantrum-ing at me ;p)
and I've seen spiteful, (sorry again ex-host mom, I really don't mean to beat you up verbally here although your English is never going to be good enough for comprehension)
and spiteful is ugly.
I've seen jealousy, too, and I realize that life is way, way too short to be angry over anything.

I think in a few weeks, heck, give me a month, that would soon change,
and I'd find myself getting pissed off at the little things,
but lately, I find my anger dissipating.
I just find myself...being amused, at the little things.
I don't get angry so easily.
I am happier;
because I know that the past three months were the worst that could happen;
and it'll never happen again, because I'm out of that house.

It may be silly, but I feel that my journey to eating, praying, and loving has begun.

In this house, there is lots, and lots, and lots of eating going on.

According to my friend, Maki's mom, this is normal.

But then again, what IS normal?

I used to get rice, (a spoonful), half a fried egg, and a small sausage for dinner.

I also didn't get any lunch; I had to buy my own.

If I did get lunch, she would ask me to say thank you, and remind me time and time again about how I need to be thankful for the two measly rice balls she makes me in comparison to the actual lunch boxes the other kids get.

So answer me this:

What is food? 

I used to get half a slice of bread for breakfast and half a glass of milk.

It wasn't enough, but my body grew used to it.

Today; I had a slice of bread, and a whole glass of milk and my tummy complained!

It was slightly amusing, because my body has been in starvation mode all this while,

and suddenly, it is fed nutritious good food, and it is pleasantly surprised but tired from ...over-working, I guess, is the right word.

The only time I would get a proper meal was when I cooked for my host family;

or bought back food for them.

During those meals that I would make;

I remembered the first time I cooked for them; I was crying while eating,

because it tasted...like home.

The food I made mirrored my mom's, and the tears flowed down my face, and probably into my food too, making it saltier (which explains my inability to eat following my emotional state),

and it was the only kind of love I ever received back in that house.

The food I made for myself was the only love I received.

That is a sad, sad thing to say, but it is 110% true.

I also remember I would buy ingredients for them; but my old host mom wouldn't allow me to eat it.

It was for "her child", although I bought it for "everyone, to share, (including me)"

It's funny; there was this one time I bought them apples.

And I wanted to bring one to school, and she said I couldn't.

At that point; I was ridden with hurt,

but now I look back?

The woman can eat as many damn apples as she wants;

she won't be no snow white, and no prince charming will ever come and get her.

I, on the other hand. 

I don't really need to eat any apples. :]

Ah; I should stop being so mean about it!

(but I seriously cannot help it, it is fun.)

There are so many, so many situations that I look back now and think of how I ever managed to survive that; but the fact that I did?

All my anger has totally escaped me.

And I am so glad; because I know for sure now that I am starting from square one; learning again about this culture that I think I may have wrongly misjudged.

For what my old family did to me, and what my company is doing to me now; is not really a cultural thing.

It's just more of a i-have-problems-in-my-head thing.

:] that is of course, an understatement, especially if you hear feedback from other students that have been unfortunate customers to this company, 

but rest assured.

This company is no longer going to victimize any more students such as myself.

On the 25th, I move into my permanent host family.

It is my company's job, no, scratch that, it is my company's obligation to come to my current temporary host family's home, and thank them, and bring me to my new family's home to thank them also.

This is etiquette worldwide I would think.

But bless my company; they told me to do it myself.

I of course do not have a problem with this at all.

I've been doing that for the past three months;

and I found my host families myself too,

so I didn't really expect much.

Heck; I'd rather go by myself just because spending any time with anyone from my company for any duration would make my soul rot,

so I didn't complain.

But this is Japan, and I am still a child in everyone's eyes.

So my current host mom is infuriated, and has been in contact with my future host mom.

They both too, agree that my current company sucks donkey balls.

My current host mom is new to the idiocy of my company.

She is confused, as to why I am treated like a dog when I am a human.

I told her that dogs have better lives than exchange students here in Japan when WYS steps into the picture.

She agreed.

Bless, bless her soul.

But all this while; I am calm.

This is indeed quite a large situation that has occured but; I am calm.

I am so unfazed, because I realize that when you just return evil with good?

God will take your vengeance.

And God is amazing because he has directly targeted the one customers that WYS cannot piss off; and that is the host families.

As I am writing this; my current host mom is emailing my school, which happens to be the richest private school in Tokyo, to complain about the lack of competency my company has.

I did nothing, in my part.

I just left it up to God, and this is my sweet reward.

To watch as my company's reputation slowly burns into the ground for all the wrong they have done to all its students,

and to just bask in all the sweet , sweet glory.

So; I won't be angry. 

I'll let God be angry.

Cos His anger is so much more cooler and effective than mine will ever be. =]

On the other hand;

I cannot repeat this more, but IF YOU WANT TO COME ON AN EXCHANGE TO JAPAN;

PLEASE COME! JUST NOT WITH WYS.

They will screw you over in the head until you bleed; and only then will they THINK of buying you a band aid.

So on that cheery note;

I have been eating.

I also have been praying, and I have come to love almost anything in plain sight.

In a way; in a screwed up way, I love my ex host mom for the only thing she was really good for, and that was showing me what true anger looked like.

If I didn't know that was how anger looked like; I would still remain my negative self.

Right now; I have made a plan that by leaving that house; I am also leaving my negativity behind.

This is a fresh new start; and I have seen what holding grudges against everyone does to you mentally.

It eats at you; and you are physically unable to make human relationships work.

The prime example of this, was of course, that beautiful ex host mother of mine.

So just like Elizabeth Gilbert gained all that weight in Italy,

I will continue to gain my weight here in this house until the 25th.

I will continue to soak up all the love that I have been missing out on;

learning all the beautiful idioms that my current host mom uses in her daily language,

and I will just love.

I can't do anything else really. =]

What do I have to lose now? :)

All my love always,

April

i'll sing a Michael Bublé song just to turn this around.

In the 365 days we face each year, we will hold our heads high, armed with a giant list of resolutions that will later be neglected quietly as the year goes on by.
Resolutions in my list included "not caring what others think of me", "being fit and healthy", and just in general "carpe diem my butt off when I'm in Japan".
(as I write this blog, I'm munching on a Malaysian snack, so much for that healthy stuff huh.)

In the 365 days we face each year and in the 52 weeks that are present, it is certain that we all will have our Ellen DeGeneres happy-go-lucky kinda days. (which is much preferable in comparison to the other extreme I'm about to make.)

Other times, we will have our Edward Cullen/Bella Swan "woe-is-me" kinda day.

I think I've been having Bella Swan type of days.

She's a whole new character apart from Edward.
She's constantly depressed, and needs a vampire in her life to look at her like a piece of rib-eye steak to truly experience joy.
That's a whole new messed up for you right there =]

Sometimes we can't please everyone.
I thought I left my high school with a huge bang of good grades and great friends.
I thought no one would really care if I left high school.

I have been proven wrong.
My leaving encouraged gossip.

Lately, "someone" has been accusing me of things that I can't even comprehend doing.
"Someone", is desperately trying to spread rumors about me throughout my form in high hopes that my reputation will turn sour.

Sadly, I take almost everything to heart, and out of habit, I took these words to heart too.
These rumors criticized my existence in life, basically.
These rumors took shots at the things that matter to me most. 

The part which stings the most is that some of my "friends" didn't bother sticking up for me when they found out about these rumors!
They had the courtesy to tell me about the rumors spreading about me in school but didn't bother try and prevent it.
"April doesn't deserve the clarification! Please."

Some of my "friends" have also shown that they could not care less about me.
Despite my efforts being their good friend, in times of trouble, many have fled the opposite direction, leaving me alone and confused.
Some even rub it in that I feel a certain way I do.
Some even told me that I deserved it, following with a "XD LOL!"
Never, in my life, has an emoticon made me feel so small. Talk about ridiculous.
It seemed like everywhere I turned, a door was closing.
And this house I was standing in had no windows either, so... any chance of windows opening was pretty much impossible.
The part which just hurt the most was the feeling of total rejection and solitude.

I think God was sick of my bitterness (and of Secondhand Serenade's wails of self pity and destruction), because Michael Bublé somehow invaded my "self pity playlist" that I created on impulse in my iTunes Library upon arriving home late today.
Trumpets started blaring, and an extremely addictive piano riff came through my speakers like an overwhelming wave of love. Although Michael Bublé isn't a Christian, and doesn't sing Christian songs, God knows that he's one of the best jazz singers in our generation today.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1AJmKkU5POA
I believe that God works miracles with his creation.
I also believe that God knows me better than I know myself.

As I heard Michael belt about love and its wonders, I couldn't help but slowly start to smile.
Music has always been my passion in life, even since young.
God used it to touch me in ways I can never comprehend till this day.
He knew that music could change the way I feel about the situation I've been placed under.
He showed me that I had to turn to him, and not to my peers for any kind of comfort whatsoever.
He proved to me that he will never disappoint for he is my Heavenly Father.
He is my shield, my reward, my everything.

He's my best friend, and I don't need anyone else but Him.
So I will no longer be hurt over what man does to me.
For I know that my time on this ball of blue and green (and increasing amount of gray), is not long.
My time with Him is eternal, and I'll spend every minute of my life in this world serving Him.

In our 365 days of the year, and all the 52 weekends that we'll have,
we will have days where we feel horrible, depressed, and discouraged by others.

All we can really do is pray, and pray a bit more, then crank up that Michael Bublé on iTunes to the maximum, and without you realizing it, your back where you were with that trademark Ellen DeGeneres smile.

If that doesn't work for you?
Just have a good chocolate brownie.
With a scoop of ice cream.

All my love always,
April