It's Hard.

It's hard not to be angry.
I'm lonely here in Japan, and I don't think I really have anyone to talk to,
rely on, or have a nice cup of coffee with.

The friends I've made in my class are really cute,
although we have completely different interests.
They are very surprised I don't listen to Japanese pop groups,
and I had to explain that I don't like listening to pop.
This shocked them greatly, the poor things.
We don't relate the same way I do with my friends in New Zealand.
We can't talk about serious or personal things.
It's always about the Japanese pop culture, and Disneyland.

It's hard not to be frustrated.
In New Zealand, I am so used to being treated like a lady.
Here in Japan, things are a bit whack.

I have to open doors for the Japanese business men.
They don't offer their seat for me on the train.
I can be carrying my bag, my blazer, an umbrella, and obviously struggling greatly with my things,
but all they will do is stare, and not even offer any help.
I have to let them go ahead of me on the bus,
they don't let me go ahead.
I'm also a student,
A young student.
And here is a middle aged man, pushing ahead of a teenager.
DUDE. You seriously won't get laid with that attitude.
And if you do, its purely out of pity.
Tsk. Men. =/

It's hard not to be confused.
School is different,
the rules are again, very whack,
and the teachers are totally paranoid.

Thanks to my unfortunate looking black hair,
I apparently look very "Japanese."
The principal doesn't acknowledge me as an exchange student,
and as result, many teachers have told me off for behaving "weirdly".
I've been told off for many countless things.
Skirt = Too Short.
Hair = Looks like hentai (porn)
Face = No makeup, because you'd look like a porn star.
The comparisons they make to try and convince me not to wear makeup to school and dye my whole head a shocking bright red are just making me want to violate the rules even more.
But I know I can't.
If I do, I'll get sent back and my record will be completely stained.
Blah.
I'm so chicken shit its funny.

OH.
Crossing your legs in Japan is considered manly?
The teacher actually smacked my leg a few times to tell me to stop crossing them.
It's purely out of habit though, I hate sitting without crossing my legs.
I also got told off for hugging my bag on my lap.
Oh, did I mention that it's a total violation of the law to put a bottle of water atop your desk?
Yeah. =/

It's hard not to argue.
The relationship between a teacher and a student is very awkward.

Today I tried compromising about my textbooks to a teacher.
She just blinked and told me I wouldn't be able to keep up with the ordinary textbooks because I'm a foreigner,
and to learn as a native is hard.
Duh, its hard,
but at least give me a chance to try?
Honestly, civilization wouldn't be advancing at the rate it is if you prevent everyone from trying.
It's your mistakes that you make, and the outcome that you extract out of it that truly defines who you are anyway.
Her challenging me like that just makes me want to prove her wrong.

It surprises me that she automatically assumes I'm not a bright person.
How can you judge someone so quickly?
Teachers are meant to educate the future generation,
and allow them to develop an opinion for themselves.
They're not meant to be so close minded about growth. 

It's hard not to question.
Why am I even here?
I came for several reasons,
but I think my initial motivation is longer existant...
It existed, but shit happens,
and now, I'm in this place, with literally nothing to hold on to.
My worst fears had come true.

Which makes me really sad, and even more confused.

Sigh.
I am trying to be positive.
I really am.
"YOU ARE IN TOKYO! BE HAPPY!!"
Uh, yes I am in Tokyo.
Thanks for noticing.
I thought you'd never realized!
Perhaps I am thinking of home too much,
and I keep comparing and contrasting.
My opinions and beliefs keep getting in the way of my accepting of the Japanese culture.

It's only been a week and a bit,
and for some reason, I'm already wanting to go home.
I'm planning what to bring home,
what to buy for everyone,
and how I can bring all my stuff back on the plane.
Homesick much?

I hate crying.
It makes my eyes puffy,
and I hiccup really badly after.
I also can't breathe,
I get a blocked nose.
I don't feel better, I just feel like a dick for crying in the first place.
When I think "okay, you are done crying",
someone comes along and sees me face,
and asks if I'm doing alright.
And then my body magically produces another huge gallon of tears,
and I cry it all out yet again.

I came here two years ago.
I loved it.
I wanted to live here.
I met amazing people, and I had amazing company.
Many memories were made,
and hardly any tears were shed during that 3 week trip.

It's different now.
It's hard now.
Maybe I'll find that one place where I fit in.
Maybe I'll find other people that aren't old exchange students to relate to.
Maybe I'll get that one person or person(s) that will be my best friend while I'm in Japan.

It's hard,
but maybe it'll get easier.

All my love always,
April