dreams

I always dream of falling.

Scientifically, this just means your poor sub-conscious brain

is too damn exhausted to remember to send a little signal to your organs that

you need oxygen to live, and breathing helps you live. 

Your brain then goes into panic mode,
stirring up emotions and images that will manipulate the sensation of falling into nowhere,
and never touching the ground.
You would then wake up gasping in fear,
at the same time filling those oxygen deprived lungs of air.

I never dream of flying.

Scientifically, it doesn't really mean anything.

To be honest, I don't think dreams are meant to be scientific at all.

When we think of flying, its hard not to think freedom.
Flying is liberating. It's like finally getting out of the chaos, and just floating above the clouds.
Your problems that seem bigger than Everest itself,
seem so small and insignificant when you rise above it.

When I dream, I wake up feeling confused and unhappy,
and obviously it reflects on how I feel right now.
I even have the same dreams several times over.

Lately, I've been having a dream I'd be running.
Running for my life, running like I physically can't run in real life.
Then, I'd stop. My body becomes permanently disable, and I fall to the floor,
while everyone steps all over, and walks over me, as if I'm part of the ground itself.
And whenever I'd try and call for help, no one would listen.
No one would bother, even when I cried and yelled, and screamed for some empathy.

Maybe this has got to do with the way I feel right now.
People look at me different.
Heck, they treat me different.
I've been regularly decimated by the male Japanese population,
and as a result, I am always slightly late for school because I want to take the girls only carriage on the train to school to avoid getting my ass fondled a third time by some random hormone-crazed 30 year old business man.

I also have been bashed twice in the face with an umbrella on the bus recently.
Some stuff happened, and I was crying rather hysterically on the bus.
Apparently in Japan, crying on buses is strictly prohibited and also an offense?
This is totally foreign and alien to me.
I don't think this would happen in New Zealand.
If anywhere else, to be honest.
If anything, someone would come up to me and ask if I was doing alright,
as opposed to bashing me in the face with an umbrella and telling me to keep it quiet.
And when I cried even more the first time he hit me,
he hit me again.

Do people really have that little compassion?
We're all human, no? =/
Maybe he was drunk, or was doing drugs- I dont know.

I feel like I am getting stepped on.
My dreams are turning into reality,
and I'm running, desperately trying to escape this horrible feeling,
but it ends up overwhelming me and eating me alive.
My worst fears for my coming to Japan have all come true. 

I've had bad days,
but I've also had good days.


The best day I've had so far,
has been outside of school.
It was the day I went to go find a church,
and I've never felt more welcomed.

Maybe, this church is the reason why I'm in Japan.
After church, I went to Minato-Mirai with a couple of friends I met at church.
I've made quite a few friends at church, and they are all in their late twenties.
There are hardly any girls or guys my age in the church.
The people that are closest to my age are all in university, or have already started to work.
This tells me a heck of a lot about the culture here in Japan too.
When its a Sunday, you usually don't go to church,
and you don't usually go out if you are in high school.

All the restrictions that the Japanese high schools put on these kids
make them very... unaware, I think, of who they are as a person.
They don't have opinions about anything, and they all have the same interests.
Heck, they even speak the same.
I feel like telling them that kawaii is seriously not the only adjective to describe everything.
Using it in awkward situations is not exactly ideal.
The word "indie" doesn't even exist in Japanese vocabulary, and the genre certainly doesn't exist in its music either...
I find that so hard to believe and accept.

As opposed to finding their own solid ground when they are 15 or 16, like we would do in New Zealand, (I think...?)
Kids here only start to get to know themselves better and let loose when they are 21, or starting university.
We have a huge privilege in New Zealand, and anywhere else in the world, because we are given the freedom to discover ourselves.
We don't have to conform to a certain idea,
and we certainly don't have to do anything we don't want to do.

On a brighter and happier note: 

I've found a part of Japan that I love,

and it reminds me of Auckland.

Minato Mirai is kinda like,

Singapore and Auckland having a baby together.

It has Auckland city's scenic beauty,
but I have to admit it isn't as beautiful.
Auckland has natural beauty, and without buildings, lights, and nice department stores,
it will still look breath taking.
However, Yokohama is rather man made.
Sure it has a beautiful ocean, and an amazing atmosphere in general,
its beauty lies in the romantic lights at night, the architecture, and the layout of the city.
The shopping in Yokohama is also better than any commercial place in Japan that I've been to so far.
Harajuku and Akihabara? Not really that great. =/
Crowded, and full of weirdos.

I've also found out that Yokohama has the coolest places to visit.
It's not too crowded, and I love the way the buildings are laid out around town.
I've only been to Minato Mirai, and I've yet to visit Chinatown,
but I've found a Snoopy and Disney store RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER in a mall that reminds me of Paragon in KL, Malaysia.

I have to tell myself that as each day of the week passes by,
it gets closer to a Sunday.
I don't get the privilege of looking forward to a Friday.
I have school on Saturday.
This makes me seriously appreciate church in a whole new light,
for I view going to church as a privilege now,
as opposed to something I've done, and enjoyed doing since I was little.
Now, going to church is like having that first bite of Oreo Cheesecake.
...
I've lost it. I'm comparing church to food?
> < . Feel free to mock me, its fine. :)

I want to fly,
and rise above this situation right now.
A new perspective and an understanding of why I am here,
in this crazy, emotion deprived land.
A new appreciation for the other things that Tokyo has to offer.
A fresh, new start, where I am already aware of what is going to happen,
so I don't stumble and fall like I am doing right now.



I think I'll get stronger though.
As I settle into this new church, make more friends,
and find a different part of Japan that I can relate to, and have genuine appreciation for,
I think, I'll be stronger.

So maybe my dreams will also get better,
and the day when I dream of flying,
I'll know that I've conquered this crazy emotion,
and perhaps grown to be a more positive person too.

Life is not so bad.
Sure, I'm going through a tough time right now,
but it's only been two weeks since I've been here in Japan.
I can have it much, much worse.
That man that hit me could have tried to do something even more drastic.
My school could have made me shave my head.
I don't know.

So until next time,
I'll keep on trusting that I am here to become great at Japanese.
Learning Japanese will get me further than I can possibly imagine, I'm sure.
Two years ago when I came, I did not see visualize myself living in Japan.
When everything comes to past, things make sense.

Nothing makes sense now,
but maybe if they come to past, they will.
And when that time comes, I'll rejoice and be very glad,
and feel slightly embarrassed for how I am feeling right now.

I came here to learn Japanese,
and that was the only reason why I came here.
However, now that I'm in Japan,
I know for a fact that I'm here not just to learn Japanese.
To make friends?
To learn the culture?
To buy more Snoopy merchandise?
I don't know.

So,
I'm going to stay here as long as it takes to find out why.

All my love always,
April

It's Hard.

It's hard not to be angry.
I'm lonely here in Japan, and I don't think I really have anyone to talk to,
rely on, or have a nice cup of coffee with.

The friends I've made in my class are really cute,
although we have completely different interests.
They are very surprised I don't listen to Japanese pop groups,
and I had to explain that I don't like listening to pop.
This shocked them greatly, the poor things.
We don't relate the same way I do with my friends in New Zealand.
We can't talk about serious or personal things.
It's always about the Japanese pop culture, and Disneyland.

It's hard not to be frustrated.
In New Zealand, I am so used to being treated like a lady.
Here in Japan, things are a bit whack.

I have to open doors for the Japanese business men.
They don't offer their seat for me on the train.
I can be carrying my bag, my blazer, an umbrella, and obviously struggling greatly with my things,
but all they will do is stare, and not even offer any help.
I have to let them go ahead of me on the bus,
they don't let me go ahead.
I'm also a student,
A young student.
And here is a middle aged man, pushing ahead of a teenager.
DUDE. You seriously won't get laid with that attitude.
And if you do, its purely out of pity.
Tsk. Men. =/

It's hard not to be confused.
School is different,
the rules are again, very whack,
and the teachers are totally paranoid.

Thanks to my unfortunate looking black hair,
I apparently look very "Japanese."
The principal doesn't acknowledge me as an exchange student,
and as result, many teachers have told me off for behaving "weirdly".
I've been told off for many countless things.
Skirt = Too Short.
Hair = Looks like hentai (porn)
Face = No makeup, because you'd look like a porn star.
The comparisons they make to try and convince me not to wear makeup to school and dye my whole head a shocking bright red are just making me want to violate the rules even more.
But I know I can't.
If I do, I'll get sent back and my record will be completely stained.
Blah.
I'm so chicken shit its funny.

OH.
Crossing your legs in Japan is considered manly?
The teacher actually smacked my leg a few times to tell me to stop crossing them.
It's purely out of habit though, I hate sitting without crossing my legs.
I also got told off for hugging my bag on my lap.
Oh, did I mention that it's a total violation of the law to put a bottle of water atop your desk?
Yeah. =/

It's hard not to argue.
The relationship between a teacher and a student is very awkward.

Today I tried compromising about my textbooks to a teacher.
She just blinked and told me I wouldn't be able to keep up with the ordinary textbooks because I'm a foreigner,
and to learn as a native is hard.
Duh, its hard,
but at least give me a chance to try?
Honestly, civilization wouldn't be advancing at the rate it is if you prevent everyone from trying.
It's your mistakes that you make, and the outcome that you extract out of it that truly defines who you are anyway.
Her challenging me like that just makes me want to prove her wrong.

It surprises me that she automatically assumes I'm not a bright person.
How can you judge someone so quickly?
Teachers are meant to educate the future generation,
and allow them to develop an opinion for themselves.
They're not meant to be so close minded about growth. 

It's hard not to question.
Why am I even here?
I came for several reasons,
but I think my initial motivation is longer existant...
It existed, but shit happens,
and now, I'm in this place, with literally nothing to hold on to.
My worst fears had come true.

Which makes me really sad, and even more confused.

Sigh.
I am trying to be positive.
I really am.
"YOU ARE IN TOKYO! BE HAPPY!!"
Uh, yes I am in Tokyo.
Thanks for noticing.
I thought you'd never realized!
Perhaps I am thinking of home too much,
and I keep comparing and contrasting.
My opinions and beliefs keep getting in the way of my accepting of the Japanese culture.

It's only been a week and a bit,
and for some reason, I'm already wanting to go home.
I'm planning what to bring home,
what to buy for everyone,
and how I can bring all my stuff back on the plane.
Homesick much?

I hate crying.
It makes my eyes puffy,
and I hiccup really badly after.
I also can't breathe,
I get a blocked nose.
I don't feel better, I just feel like a dick for crying in the first place.
When I think "okay, you are done crying",
someone comes along and sees me face,
and asks if I'm doing alright.
And then my body magically produces another huge gallon of tears,
and I cry it all out yet again.

I came here two years ago.
I loved it.
I wanted to live here.
I met amazing people, and I had amazing company.
Many memories were made,
and hardly any tears were shed during that 3 week trip.

It's different now.
It's hard now.
Maybe I'll find that one place where I fit in.
Maybe I'll find other people that aren't old exchange students to relate to.
Maybe I'll get that one person or person(s) that will be my best friend while I'm in Japan.

It's hard,
but maybe it'll get easier.

All my love always,
April

culture shock

Culture Shock.
I never thought it existed.
Or perhaps I was just ignorant.

I thought that if your open minded to everything, you shouldn't have a problem adjusting to a different culture.
Unless you have zero opinions about anything in life,
then of course you're going to have zero problems adjusting to things,
because you wouldn't have an opinion about change.

However, I am the most opinionated person I know.
I have an opinion about everything, and it's mostly negative opinions too. (unfortunately)
After many events in my life, this is who I've become,
and I don't like it one bit.
I'm trying to change,
but each time I try,
a day like THIS happens.

I wish with all my heart I can say I enjoy every single day without a single worry in my mind.
I wish I can be all happy and worry free because HELLO, I'm in JAPAN, whats not to like?
I think Japan has been blown up by the media to be this place where you can escape to,
but I think otherwise.
Japan is a nice place to visit,
but to live in, and to actually follow the rules and live as a Japanese citizen?
...no.

If you've lived in a white-dominated country prior living in Japan, or any Asian country really,
Warning: You're going to struggle.
I'm Asian, heck I'm Malaysian, and I'm struggling with the Japanese culture.
I thought that because of the common Asian-ness that both cultures share, we'd be fine.
Boy, was I wrong.

Today was my first day of school,
and it was on a Saturday.
I struggled with the thought of only having a one-day weekend.

I get up at 5AM everyday to travel via public transportation for 1 1/2 - 2 hours.
That's okay, its Japan, everyone travels by train.

I fell asleep on the bus, got off the wrong stop, and the bus driver didn't bother to tell me despite the fact he knew which stop I was getting off originally.
That's not okay, that's kinda ratch, but I'll get used to it.

My purity ring was considered jewellery, and even though I explained that it was purely religious and not for show, it was still confiscated.
That's kinda stupid, and I am worried about my ring.

My camera magically evaporated into the Japanese polluted air.
That's also not okay, I freaking love that camera.

My school principal called my host mom to tell her that my hair needs to look more Japanese. I am going to a hair salon tomorrow and dyeing it black, and having it straightened.
Are. You. Kidding. Me.

I was supposed to go to church tomorrow and have lunch with a friend, chill out, have the day all to myself.
No, I'm going to a hair dresser instead to look like everyone else at school.

I'm in a classroom full of 15 year olds, who really love the thought of having foreign boyfriends.
They are all looking forward to watch the movie "MY DARLING IS A FOREIGNER".
I seriously can't understand what's the obsession with having a boyfriend that's not your own race.

Right now, I'm struggling because a lot of little things have added up into one huge, huge thing.
After a lot of tears, and a lot of comfort from a little four year old girl,
I've looked on the bright side of things.

Sure, they're stripping away my individuality,
and sure, I cannot stand to be in a classroom full of screaming 15 year old girls,
but maybe it's time I learn how to relate to the younger generation.
I've always struggled to relate to younger girls,
and I get along better with older people.
Maybe its time I learnt,
and maybe its time I adjusted and understand the meaning of what is takes to be open minded.
I know for a fact that straight hair on me looks stupid,
so I'm not going to try and make a positive outcome of that one.

I guess everyone has their rough days..
But I seem to be getting them every day.
I think the first stage in a new country is always difficult,
but I never knew it was THIS difficult.

I come from a place where freedom is a right, not a privilege
To live in a country where freedom is a privilege and not a right,
and when expressing oneself is considered a huge no no?
I struggle with that greatly.
I struggle, and I'm continuing to struggle.

On the bright side,
I fit into my tiny Japanese uniform
Or maybe they just gave me a bigger size.
But whatever, I'm just glad it fits.

All my love always,
April

I'm an Alien.

I told myself that this wouldn’t be a rant-y blog but it’s been five days in Tokyo and I seriously cannot help but express myself before I forget how to.

Bear with me.

I don’t have a good reason as to why you should, but me telling you to should be reason enough.

I couldn’t care less if you’re the hugest social butterfly in the universe, but when you meet someone for the first time, it’s usually awkward.

It’s awkward not because you don’t talk a lot to one another, but purely because you have no idea of the intentions that the person has towards you.

Friendships, hook-ups, one night stands, potential girlfriend, marriage… The list just goes on, and on really.

Ha. Do you like it how I put meaningless sex in front of romance?

Needless to say, sometimes it isn’t awkward, and you had this intense Disney Lion King connection with the person you’re talking to.

Sometimes you just click, and you can instantly connect on the most pointless topic that may arise in the conversation.

For most normal 13-15 year old teenage girls nowadays, it’s Twilight and Justin freaking Bieber.

For most Japanese teenage girls nowadays, it is really their need to involve themselves with a white guy even though he is absolutely downright disgusting, listens to the mainstream Pop, and doesn’t really have an opinion about anything but himself. 

He is the only “kakkoui” thing to ever grace our planet and save us from the overwhelming population of the single Japanese men. Really.

Kakkoui means “cool”, by the way, in case you didn’t get that. 

My laptop is currently rejecting the Japanese wireless internet system with gusto, and therefore I have to obviously use the cord downstairs to get internet. It somehow doesn’t prevent calls from coming into the house, which I don’t really understand, but it works downstairs and not upstairs.

God just doesn’t want me to be in my room and on YouTube or Facebook.

By alienating myself from English, I seriously will have to learn Japanese and have somewhat of a connection to someone or I’ll die.

To be honest, I’m starting to find it challenging to express myself in English. Japanese grammar structure has eff’ed me over, and I am using the weirdest and most unnecessary ways to express myself.

I know why they call it an “alien registration” now, because damn, when you’re in Japan, you will feel like you belong to no damn country in this world.

My homestay family genuinely didn’t sign up for this program for a live in babysitter, dogsitter or an English tutor.

*cue shocked faces*

They want me simply because they “fell in love” with my letter to them in my application form.

That, truly is a blessing from above.

And I’m saying this from meeting them for only tonight.

They truly want me to be part of the family. I know for a fact that I most likely can’t contribute financially or give them anything remotely important back, but they are giving me so much more than I expected.

The photos I attached to my blog are simply a sneak peek of the ones I have vomited onto Facebook in the latest photo album(s).

Need I say more? The room is a freaking shrine to my nickname at school - apple.

Not only that, get at this. My homestay mom MADE all the decorations in the room!

She’s some sort of great creative insanely talented woman that can do lots of things with her hands.

(do NOT give me dick jokes, I will slap you)

She’s so good at hand crafts and just making anything out of everything.

It’s amazing, and she gave me a great first impression. 

She wants to have unicef babies and go around the world to help people in poverty.

What kind of Japanese wife would have such an amazing dream?

It’s inspiring.

The dad comes home at 7, and is very much in love with his wife.

It’s sickening sometimes, because their house kinda doesn’t have much barrier between the kitchen, dining room, and living room, so you can hear, and see everything.

The baby makes me take showers with her. She clings to me. Literally clings. She likes to hug my waist, my legs, my arms, my everything really.

She’s totally adorable though, and she thinks I’m amazing because I can make jokes in Japanese and sing the Doraemon theme song.

Ah, I love Japanese kids.

 

Do I have problems with the Japanese culture?

Of course I do.

Can I adjust?

I’m trying.

I’m seriously trying, and giving it a go. Being positive is a huge challenge for me, so I am trying so hard to be positive towards public transportation and the intense staring when I’m in public.

My homestay mom felt the need to tell me each and every time that someone was talking about me in the mall we went to today.

Apparently, according to the lady who sold me some socks, I look like a Japanese but don’t act like one or have a Japanese accent.

Although, she did say that my Japanese was surprisingly great for a foreigner.

CAN I HEAR A WOOT WOOT?!

Haha.. Man, I should calm down.

 Obviously a lack of blogging has caused me to verbally vomit all my emotion on the internet.

Sorry, internet. I love you so much you have no idea.

I’m an alien in this country.

I find it hard to connect with some of the Japanese girls because ohmygosh, do you SERIOUSLY have no opinion about anything?

The maturity they have is literally non existent, and they think on the most naive level one can possibly handle.

As I pointed out earlier, most of them worship the feet of white men, and yeah, to be frank with you, I don’t worship anyone’s feet.

So far, I’ve only had decent conversations with the students that have lived in America for a couple of years.

They seem to hate the Japanese culture after they’ve lived in America.

I hope I appreciate mine more as opposed to hating it more.

I hope, and I’ll continue to hope.

I’m an alien because I don’t know what is going on in the media.

Is someone dying? Has someone died?

Is America going up in flames?

You know what’s even more disgusting? Alice in Wonderland isn’t even out in Japan yet.

We complain in New Zealand that movies come to our country slow?

Stop all your whiny complaints! You have no idea how late some of the movies here are being shown in theatres.

Hannah Montana the Movie hasn’t even graced Disney Channel Japan.

Disney Channel Japan is so out of date to the extent that it still broadcasts Lizzie McGuire.

…yes, I am comparing the media in Japan by my constant exposure to Disney Channel.

I’m an alien because I know that I’ll make strong friendships here, but they will be left alone once I go back to New Zealand.

Then again, what’s going to happen to my friendships in New Zealand?

I feel like I’m going to be forgotten.

I hate this feeling, and I just want to belong.

Aliens.

No wonder so many movies are made about them.

They’re all pretty much depressed creatures with no sense of belonging to anything. 

This is my homesickness talking, so ignore me.

I’m truly happy with what I have right now,

And I’m taking all the goodness in.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m so grateful for this opportunity.

It’s just.. when you have too much of a great thing, you miss what you used to know.

All my love always,

April

lets re-write the Sound Of Music.

I was 16, 

Now I'm 17,

I'm not that naiive,

Fellows I meet 

May tell me I'm sweet,

and willingly I will leave.

I was 16,

Now I'm 17, 

Not as innocent as I want to be.

Bachelor dandies,

drinkers of brandies,

I know too much of these.

Totally well prepared am I,

to face a world of douchebags,

(that didn't rhyme but oh well...)

Timid, shy, and scared am I,

to go to a country on my own...

I want someone,

Older and wiser,

Being a good friend to me,

If you are 17, going on 18,

I'll depend on you...

That was a rather terrible attempt, wasn't it?
Hey, its the effort that counts.
Putting that aside,
I think this is one of the most emotional birthdays I've ever experienced.
Lots of tears were shed, that's for sure..

My friends are just simply so amazing though.
The lifegroup girlies threw me an AH-MAZE-ING party, and

I am going to miss Albany City Church so much,

it scares me.

My friends at school got me the most amazing presents!
I didn't expect them to actually get me anything,
so this was one of the most thoughtful presents I've ever received.
Thank you, so much.
A signed teddy bear and a scrapbook of memories?
Who needs flowers and chocolates. =p

It has just sunk in.
I'm really going.
For a whole year!
Can I just please be excited?
Why am I not excited?!
This is not normal.
I am just as bad as those Japanese people that get married to pillows.
I am by far, the most ungrateful being that has ever existed.

This blog is going to be considerably shorter than my previous blogs.
Not because I have nothing to say,
but because I don't know how to say what it's my heart right now.
It is the most mixed up emotion I've felt since
I found out that mascara and eyeliner are tested on baby rabbits.

I am so unwilling to leave my friends and family behind..
Most of all, I just hate saying goodbye.
In another 365 days, I'm going to have to say goodbye to Japan as well.
Well,
That should be fun.

Hopefully the next time I'll blog,
I'll be sitting in my own room, in my homestay's house.
I'll have two sausage doggies at my feet,
and an adorable two year old Japanese girl to sing the doraemon theme song for me to hear :)
hopefully.

All my love always,
April