dirty beaches

Today is my last day in Thailand, and then I'm back home in Malaysia.

Waking up with a sinking feeling in my tummy, I was pretty upset that my vacation is drawing to a close.

I've never been more uncertain about the future than at present, and being uncertain about something doesn't allow you to move forward nor backward.

I'm simply stuck where I am, too afraid to think beyond the prospect of failure.

I am dressed like a tourist today- complete with a Bangkok T-shirt (thanks to my friend Kamin), traditional Thai harem pants, and polka dot jandals.

The weather matches my mood quite well- I can almost hear thunder.

Grey clouds all around, a little bit of drizzle here and there. Despite my efforts to enjoy the last days of my holiday, I'm a bit wary of what is coming next. 

It's a two hour ride to Rayong, so we stopped halfway at Chon Buri to have the most authentic plate of pad thai I've ever tasted.

The noodles were handmade, the prawns fresh from the fisheries just a five minute walk away from the café itself, and the crab steamed to sweet perfection.

I'm genuinely concerned about how I'm going to have Thai cuisine in New Zealand now, considering I'm so aware of  how unauthentic the western version of Thai cuisine is.

This reminds me exactly of how I can't have sushi in New Zealand.

I don't think you can even call that sushi.

When I told my host sister how the "sushi" was in NZ, she had the exact same opinion. Go figure.

To be fair though, pasta in Japan was absolutely terrible. Not to mention the "pizza", which was just a giant pita bread with cheese, mayo, sweet corn, and canned tuna.  

Maybe because I've lived in New Zealand for such a long time, my expectations are exceptionally high when I think of "beach".

I always think that there will be accessible clean toilets, showers, and not to mention benches.

Rayong is beautiful in its local aspect, but I am disappointed to say I found it hard to appreciate this beach to its fullest.

The lack of cleanliness in the beach and in the toilets left me scarred with the unwanted new sights and smells, but nevertheless, I'm grateful I could experience this anyway.

No matter where on our planet earth you may be, there is something so calming and peaceful about a beach that I really needed.

After discovering my results from my first semester at university, I'm not too sure what to think. They did somewhat exceed my expectations, but at the same time I still wish I did better.

But after relaxing at the beach for a while, I found myself forgiving all the mistakes I made in my first semester that didn't grant me the grade I wanted.

I'm most probably being "too hard" on myself, because most people would be comfortable with the grades I received, as it hit well above the average mark.

But as emphasized several times before in earlier blog entries, its not solely the grades I'm concerned about.

It's mostly the knowledge that I've tried hard, and knowing that the outside world only regards it as X grade that is discouraging.

Because in my mind, I feel like I deserve a higher grade, to match my efforts.

Life isn't fair, and I'm being reminded that every single day.

All in all, thank you Thailand.

You've given me such an indulgent and lovely holiday, allowed me to reconnect with friends I have not seen in a while, and I can confidently say that I'll go back to New Zealand with goals in mind for the coming semester.

So although I may be sporting a discontented face for the rest of the time I have left with you, don't take it too personally.

I'm not too good with long goodbyes.

Update 17/6/2011
I'm now here in New Zealand, and to all of you that told me it was cold and freezing and horrible?
Screw you. Lying is bad. Bad.
It's beautiful weather in New Zealand- not a cloud in the sky, and nice crisp air.
I'm having mixed feelings about being home.
Let's see how tomorrow goes. First day back at uni, and I'm still yawning from jet lag.

All my love always,

April