torn in between

Keihin Tohoku Line in all its glorious-ness. XD

One thing I love about Japan is the time you get to yourself in the trains each day.

Since it takes me about half an hour to go to school (or anywhere really), I think a lot.

It really gives you time to reflect; where you were, where you are now, and what you will probably be doing in the near or far future.

Lately I’ve been comparing the earlier stage, and the later stage of my exchange.

I’ve realized that by each passing month, time seems to just flee faster, and faster.

I’ve noticed that things have been hard in Japan, but the good times I’ve had outweigh the bad times by a tenfold.

Mori Tower

Tokyo Tower at night

Here’s something I’ve never done before.

I would never walk down a street, smiling to myself, headphones in and just blissful with life.

Contented with what I have, and knowing that as each day comes, I’m giving it my all.

Here’s something I’ve never done before.

I’m not anticipating the worst to happen.

I’m actually waiting for great things to happen.

My expectations I set for myself have always been high.

However I’ve never expected for myself to come to this mental frame of mind where I am actually Iearning how to be a positive person and look on the bright side of things.

To enjoy the simplicity of what was, what is, and what will be.

I have control over my own feelings, and although I am still the over sensitive girl that over-analyzes every single situation, I definitely know that whining about it does not help whatsoever.

I’ve learnt to do something about situations that I’m not happy with.

I  never knew I’d come to this stage of my exchange.

I have always been the one to say goodbye so far- to the people that I have come to love, and have lost.

I have come to say goodbye, and learn to just treasure the memories for they are all that is left.

Yokohama with the girls!

Ueno and Roppongi all in one day!

But I am now in the stage of my exchange where I do not want to be the one that has to actually go.

I never realized how much fun I can have in Japan.

This exchange has gotten better and better day by day- and it’s all happening…now.

I wonder if this is normal; if the fun all happens at the later part of your exchange.

taking photos right in the middle of a street in Roppongi! XD

the "zoo" in which my good Canadian and I spent a good majority of the time at gift shops.

The fun really started to kick in come summer vacation and it has been going uphill from there.

I used to wait for the pain- I would anticipate when I would start feeling mediocre and worthless again back in the start of my exchange, if not all the while back in New Zealand.

However I was walking to school today and I realized I was just…smiling, to myself.

It was so refreshing to know that I can find happiness on my own- and that anticipating bad things in life to avoid that crashing disappointing feeling we all hate ends up putting you in a more unfortunate spot.

I don’t want to go to bed every time night comes around, because it means that I’ll be one day closer to the day that I’ll have to leave Japan.

Despite all the pain that I’ve been through here in Japan, the joy and all the memories that I’ve been privileged of experiencing will always be my sweet reward for not giving up and pressing on.

There is not a single thing I would change about this exchange.

I am even glad I went through the horror of my first host family because I am so grateful for the little things that a family would do for you on a daily basis that one would naturally overlook.

I can’t wait to come home every day; as opposed to feeling like my house is a prison, I feel like this home I live in is my own home, and my room is my own room.

I feel so happy and contented with this current family, I do not want to say goodbye to them next year, if ever.

I can honestly say that there is not a day that goes by without me giving it my absolute all.

If only I can continue with this mentality back in New Zealand.

I am working with this attitude right now because I have a limited time here in Japan; I know what I will miss here if I don’t try and experience everything now.

There are still so many places to go, so many things to try, so many foods to eat.

Time is running out, and oh my god I do NOT want to go back to New Zealand.

Christmas is coming around the corner and I just had this thought today that, “wouldn’t it be so amazing if all the people I have met during this exchange came back to Japan for a reunion?”

Because the people I’ve met here on this exchange I consider my own family.

You all have been such a great impact on my life and the idea of never seeing you again is not to be considered. :P

We will meet up again one day! Be it next year, or in the next ten years.

This may sound awful but I’ve forgotten what my life was like back in New Zealand.

I love my life here in Japan so much- the independence, my own little study system, my weekends with friends.

I can’t remember what I did back in New Zealand anymore.

I still remember the people, don’t get me wrong. I’ll always miss my friends, and my family too.

However I literally can’t remember what I did besides church, school, and…bake.

I don’t feel like I really have that much of a home.

I know that going back to New Zealand would be fun, and comforting at first.

However I have changed so much, and I know my friends and family are still the same.

Where do I fit into their lives? It’s been 7 months that they have lived their own lives without me.

When I get back there, it would be a total of 10 months.

Where can I fit? It’s not a question of if I fit or not, but it’s a question about the possibility of fitting in once again.

I feel like I don’t really belong in New Zealand anymore, and there are times where I feel like Japan truly isn’t my home.

So where do I fit? Where do I truly belong?

I haven’t had the opportunity to talk about this to any other previous exchange kids but I am certain that at least 50% of them felt the way I feel right now nearing the day of their departure back ‘home’.

This may also sound terrible, but because I haven’t been to church in a total of 7 months;

I have new questions about faith.

I’ve realized that ever since I was 4, I was dragged along to a church, and reflecting back on all the ‘stories’ I was taught to believe happened, and all the things I cannot do, or shouldn’t do because “God knows what is best for you in the long run”- I’ve stopped believing in that altogether.

Why? How?

Whenever I pick up some random book about how I should live my life the right way- I am just struck with utter guilt.

Guilt not because I clearly do not lead the life that God apparently would want all of us to lead, because I don’t even think it’s true.

I was reading an article online the other day, and it posed a question about the existence of God altogether.

“If God is a perfect being- why does he need for us to worship Him? The fact of the matter is, that if God is so perfect, he does not need worship for he is whole.”

This struck me as pure logic.

Back in March, I wouldn’t even be reading articles that would slightly suggest that God does not exist.

However, being more open minded to different cultures, and different beliefs as a result of my exchange here in Japan, I kept on reading.

A lot of the points he made was so logical and it made sense to believe why people on this earth would not believe that there is a superior being that is supposedly in charge of all its creation.

i just thought ice cream was appropriate to emphasis how 'happy' I am :P

Also; I feel happy.

I never knew it possible to feel happy on my own.

Of course, I’m not so convinced my heart can take anymore love being lost, but I realize that with each and every relationship, both friendships and romantic ones, I have gotten stronger.

And when I’m out of the self-pity stage, I learn to just be happy on my own once again.

If only I had this attitude last year- life wouldn’t have been so gloomy.

So do I really need a ‘being’ to be happy?

After all, how can we truly be happy if not within ourselves first?

We can’t truly rely on an outer source for happiness because no matter what, if you are not happy with yourself, then neither will you be with anything else. 

Prior to being a “Christian”, I was a Buddhist- but I hardly remember anything of that experience.

I’ve never really gotten a chance to question my own faith- ask about why things are the way they are written to be.

I plan to discover faith for myself, because I can’t claim myself a “Christian”, if I haven’t experienced “God” the way other people claim to have.

I can’t taint a religion with my current way of life, for I definitely do not lead a Christian-worthy lifestyle at the moment.

I’m however, extremely grateful that I’ve come to this stage of my life because maybe when I finally find some answers for myself- I’ll learn to treasure them.

I’ll be stronger, and so will my faith for whatever it is I choose to believe in.

I will be rock solid, and nothing will faze me- not even the fact that I don’t attend a church for a few months.

Don’t get me wrong- I have not neglected my faith just because of an article that I read online.

I do, however, know that I have a lot of learning to do about my own faith for me to feel the way I feel right now.

On a lighter note! (religion is such a heavy topic, I swear. ANY conversation I have regarding it ends up either awkwardly or just gloomily.)

My life in Japan is so much more exciting.

The fact it’s a foreign country, and I’m exploring it at the same time as learning the language makes every hour, and every day worthwhile.

I don’t want to go back to New Zealand and go to university; but stop learning.

Learning no longer counts as academic studies for me anymore.

I finally realize that learning is experiencing.

This has been an academic exchange for me, guaranteed, but it’s been a cultural exchange in which I’ve managed to see the positives of a culture I thought ugly to begin with.

the Google exhibition up in Mori Tower.

I’m encouraged, and determined to go on exchange again in the year 2012.

The benefits from this exchange have soared way beyond my expectations that I’ve realized that the high expectations that I so normally set for myself, were not really that high.

There is higher, there is better, and although I said I was contented with where I am now; I am not contented if this has to all stop.

Life is so short. With each passing year, time is just escaping all of us.

I still feel 15. I still wonder where all that time has gone.

I remember coming here on exchange two years ago, and realizing that if I didn’t make a change in my life and way of thinking- I wouldn’t be able to get to the places I wanted to go.

Two years ago; I made a decision to try,

And thank God I did.

Because look where I am now,

And hopefully I can write another blog similar to this one two years from now, in a country that is not my own, and experience gratitude on a whole new level once again.

All my love always,

April