Nostalgia

It’s getting really cold in Japan.

It’s so cold that I’m wearing a scarf around the house, stockings, and socks, along with a huge unattractive jumper. Despite the gas heater being on, I am still cold.

I remember one of the reasons why I love the cold so much.

You sleep so well, and so soundly too.

No dreams, good or bad, to haunt you during the day.

It’s also one of the reasons why I dislike the cold because you want to sleep all, the, time.

You move slower, and the day is shorter. The night’s drag on, and you can’t help but feel lonelier.

I had a really scary dream around 4AM.

It’s maybe my second dream since I’ve been here in Japan.

I rarely dream but when I do, I’m always crying.

Tears on my pillow, but I have no idea why.

I woke myself up out of my dream because I started choking from all my tears, and minutes later, my host sister came into my room wondering if I was alright.

Apparently- I sob like a little girl during my nightmares.

I’m glad I don’t remember my dreams though- it would suck if I did, and it would haunt me for the rest of the day to come.

I wonder though- what I dreamt about.

Probably something awful, and horrible, but I bet it was something that I’ve been through in the past.

I highly doubt I was crying over some random dream I had.

I don’t know. Edward Cullen trying to eat me alive?

Yeah- I can see why that would make me cry like that.

I’ve just finished writing my speech; first in English, then translated into Japanese. I know you aren’t supposed to do that- you are meant to separate the two languages so that you will learn how to think in Japanese but let’s face it.

 My fluency will always lie in English primarily, and I thought that if I was to challenge myself further- writing this speech in English but translating the grammar into Japanese would deepen my understanding of Japanese grammar.

It kicked my ass, but after four hours, I have written and hopefully perfected my farewell speech.

What did I write about in my speech? I plan to video it on the day.

Hopefully my Japanese friend will remember to press the record button this time.

I had to do a welcoming speech around June, and I asked my friend to help me record it.

She held the camera there for a good five minutes, but when I came back, nothing was recorded.

Turns out she didn’t press the record button. Bless her soul.

(I think I’m going to ask a different person to record it this time- just for safety measures…)

Writing this speech has made me realize how much I have done here in Japan.

How far I’ve come along, and how little time I have left.

The people I’ve met.

The people I will meet.

The people I’ve said goodbye to.

The people I’m going to leave behind.

the girls I hang out with during lunch time!

Olivia and I wondering how to get our HP Scarves..(to later discover that we wouldn't.)

I couldn’t help but shed a tear or two realizing that its ending.

I’m scared to leave Japan because I’m also afraid that I’ll forget.

I’m currently still clinging onto the memories I have with my friends that have left, and the friends I have with me now.

I’m still hoping that if I stay here, the memories will remain fresh in my mind- because although they seem like a long, long time ago?

I still remember them as clear as day.

I can be walking around in a certain place and remember the funny things that have happened because of a certain bossy shop attendant, or the confusion over some word in a menu.

These little things, they help remind me of how much I have loved, and how much love I have received here in Japan.

Leaving Japan…I’m afraid I’ll leave my memories behind too.

April 4th, 2010. First day in Japan.

meeting with my friends from my old high school back in NZ when they came on the exact same exchange I did back in 2008... (talk about nostalgia.)

baseball match with Kat, my awesome American friend whom I dearly miss! (and owe a lot to considering I'm only with my new host family because of her. :P)

 Memories have flooded me today and I can’t help but feel a bit nostalgic.

I miss everyone so much, and I am going to miss the people that are with me now.

I’ve gotten to be good friends with a lot of the girls in school, and for once I am finding myself feeling included in conversations, and the girls are fighting over dates to hang out with me.

I feel loved and wanted here. 

teaching the Japanese girls what the true meaning of "OMG" really is in Japanese.

Asya- one the coolest, cutest chicks to ever grace the island of Japan! :D I love you!

being the lesbians that we are with my German friend, Lisa <3

and oh, oh those su-ummer nightss :P

What will happen when I go back?

I highly doubt that there will be any kind of ‘welcoming party’, though I am not expecting one nor am I hinting for one.

My family has moved on without me.

They have organized their lives so that I am out of the equation and I feel that by me going home I’ll just be a burden. I don’t want that- I want to be wanted.

I feel my coming back wouldn’t really have any impact; and if it did, perhaps it would be a bad one.

No one really misses me THAT much, I don’t think, and perhaps many of my friends have even forgotten about me considering my absence in most of their birthdays, not to mention graduation and prom.

In a few days it’s going to be November, and I thought that I’d be excited to go home but I really am not.

I don’t want to go home at all. I have connected with this place that this has become my home.

Sure, I feel lonely. But I am willing to trade all of that just so I can stay here for another 10 months.

Not only do I feel that my level of Japanese can be better, but so can I.

I can be better, and I haven’t stopped growing mentally yet.

Sometimes I’d find myself thinking the weirdest and most immature thoughts that I can imagine if I ever told anyone about them, a slap would be the least that they could do for me.

Listening to music here in Japan is one of the most crucial things.

It gets you through the hardest of times and the one thing I find amazing is how the same song,

That you have been listening to since you were 13, or 15, can still relate to you in any situation.

I realize that in my vast collection of music here on my laptop that there are so many tracks that I’ve neglected back in New Zealand, and that have been part of my daily soundtrack now in Japan.

There are songs that are completely and utterly stained with memories of Japan.

Sometimes I regret choosing to listen to those songs I love so much- it revokes all the emotion I was undergoing at that time, and I feel awkward to enjoy the music I once enjoyed so much.

However, I am still going to make that Japan playlist in my iTunes library, and listen to the hundreds of tracks in a few years time when I want to reminisce about this country and all the people I’ve had the opportunity to meet while I’m here.

I bought the Script’s new album recently because I was (am still) craving for new music.

Buying off iTunes here is out of the question because I don’t have a card, and downloading isn’t good because my host family doesn’t’ have unlimited internet and every MB used would cost them money.

I wouldn’t usually listen to bands like The Script at all, but surprisingly.

The songs have grown on me, and now I know that I’ll definitely be listening to this album on my flight back to New Zealand come January 26^th next year.

In my farewell speech, I talk about how much I’ve changed.

How my expectations have changed.

I wanted to talk about the people I’ve met, and how much they’ve helped me changed.

However I realize that if I make my speech any more emotional than it already is people might start to fall asleep 30 seconds into my droning.

kissing random things in Osaka..

the night view in Namba! =]

I wanted to talk about Osaka, and how different the culture is there in comparison to that of Tokyo; and how it made me realize how beautiful Japan really is; deep in tradition and culture no matter where you go.

However- my exchange company is unaware of my rebellion in leaving Tokyo without their permission, and I am not going to risk getting sent back two months early, or even worse, them keeping me here but putting me on a two-month probation.

I talk about the pain of saying goodbye.

Being the one to watch people go, and being the person that has to go; the differences in their roles, but the pain being exactly the same.

I talk a lot about how grateful I am to have gone through the pain I’ve been through.

I talk about not wanting to leave for Japan because I’ll miss everyone in the audience. (except for my exchange company that are so unfortunately coming to the actual speech day to make sure my Japanese has improved somewhat, I guess.)

Looking at the calendar today has also made me realize how close it is to my Japanese exams.

I have an exam on Tuesday, and have I started studying? Yes I have, but I think I could be doing much more.

I should really study more. My motivation hasn’t run out mind you- just my physical body can’t exactly catch up with what my mind wants.

I think I’m just going to be boring every single person that will read my blogs from now on, or that have been reading my blogs.

I will just marvel at how fast time is passing by, and I can literally imagine myself reading my blogs in a few years time and thinking, “omg we get it, time passes by really fast.”

J hope all is forgiven though because it really is going by quickly!

And I can’t help but wonder how to make it stop. =/

I admire people whom have the skill and the time to record, edit, and upload videos about their exchange here in Japan.

As opposed to reading, a vlog sometimes just shows things so much clearer, and the emotion conveyed in that on video does not need to be expressed with words.

Just actual video footage accompanied with some music- its all it takes to bring back all the memories.

I’ve taken a few videos here in Japan, but not enough.

Looking through them helps me remember exactly what happened on that day, and how I felt at every single second.

Blogs that I write are usually too filled with emotion for them to be like an actual diary where I go, “So today I did A, then I went out with B to Cplace, and then ate D and E and F for lunch too.”

XD perhaps using the alphabet as representatives of who and what and how isn’t exactly ideal.

However, you get my drift. =]

I think I will get more study done after I finish up this blog.

Take the dogs out for a walk even.

They make me run flat out for about 30 seconds, and then stop abruptly because they get tired. >.<

Chihuahuas. Gotta love them.

All my love always,

April