Humans are idiots.
Okay, maybe the whole population isn’t totally idiotic;
Although I have yet to find a single human that isn’t somewhat idiotic in some way or another. (No offense.)
Despite the amount of idiots there are in the world,
I have a feeling I’m one of the more idiotic idiots that are present.
It’s always the same.
I tell myself I won’t look back, I’ll press forward.
I won’t get upset at the little things.
I will breathe and count to 10 before screaming into my pillow at night.
But no.
I make the same mistakes over and over, and over and over again.
It’s pretty much, “oh hey, look, a bridge. I am quite positive that jumping over it won’t cause me any physical injury whatsoever, and death isn’t even slightly possible if I were to let’s say, haul myself over this bridge, and into a gorging river full of sharp edged rocks on the river floor. It only caused me to break a couple of ribs and get plastic surgery on my face the other time; what’s the worst that could happen now?”
Have you ever felt that little nagging feeling in the back of your mind?
That little voice that tells you that you are doing something wrong,
And you should just stop; but you don’t.
You just go ahead and do it anyway; just for the thrill of doing so,
And when you’re done being badass, you regret.
Regret consumes you just as fast as Japan consumes one’s self worth.
That’s it really. No better description than that.
However; the more you continue, the more you realize that the possibility of getting caught just dissipates. It just disappears, and you get better and better at doing what you are not supposed to be doing.
You become someone you’re not.
And when you talk to people that knew you before you’ve turned into this monster, guilt just overwhelm you.
Guilt, shame, and further disgust for yourself.
Such emotion experienced on a daily basis eats away at your very soul.
And therefore, even happiness is out of reach.
But then again; what you’ve become doesn’t deserve happiness.
And what I don’t understand is;
Is how He can love me still?
How he can love me still;
When only He and I know what I am doing in secret,
The thoughts that circulate my mind,
The negativity and anger inside of me,
And yet he loves me.
And yet his grace runs everlasting for me.
I don’t understand, and I am so undeserving.
My shame is deeper than the sea, but his grace is deeper still.
My heart is far away; but his love goes further still.
I know He’s waiting for me to surrender my heart to Him for goodness knows how many times already;
And he’s just waiting, patiently.
But I know I’m just going to be stubborn, stupid, and unwilling to.
Why? Because I can’t physically see him and what I want now is purely what I can see,
What I can touch, what I can know for sure is going to be physically able to help me.
Which is where I just fail at life, really.
I’ve realized that this is where I need to change.
Positivity isn’t hard; it’s a choice, and I’ve just gotta be brave to make that choice.
It’s harder to keep on living, and I am taking this road no matter what
Damn, that sounded so suicidal.
But not to worry; I’m not so pathetic to take my own life and risk hurting the ones I love the most around me.
Although I feel that I’m slowly losing myself;
And the changes I’ve made within myself are scaring the bejeezus out of me,
I can’t whine too much because time has literally flown by since I’ve been here in Japan.
It’s nearing the end of May soon, and I cannot believe how fast a day goes by here.
In comparison to when I was living back home; even during exams and studying and stress; time never passed this fast.
So I’ve only got 8 months of Japan left.
Soon, it’ll be 7, and before I know it
summer break will also be over just when it was getting started.
May has its ups and downs,
just like every month would have I would think.
I've had opportunities to be creative,
and I've made my own cups, plates, and bowls so far at a crafts making shop two hours away from Tokyo.
And I’m going to have to say goodbye to some of the most amazing people I’ve met so far very soon.
I think one of the hardest things about being on exchange;
besides constant loneliness and culture shock;
is the goodbye part.
You meet amazing people from all over the planet that relate to you in a way your friends back home simply can't, (because they are not in the same situation you are in.)
Although you spend a ton of time together; it's not enough.
Sooner or later; you have to say goodbye.
And that, my friends, is a bitch I would like to call life.
I've also had the amazing pleasure of seeing Chris Tomlin live,
along with Louie Giglio at the Passion Conference recently.
Missing John Mayer was seriously tough;
but John Mayer's Battle Studies Tour was international, and running in goodness knows how many cities all over the world.
The Passion Conference this year was exclusive to only seven major cities in seven major countries around the world,
and I feel so privileged to have attended one of them being in Tokyo, Japan.
It was eye opening to see that passion runs even in Japan.
Even though there are so many things in Japan that I disagree with;
whaling been one of the very top things...
I've found passion in Japan.
I think with God in you; it's hard not to be passionate.
May did bring me flowers, mind you.
But the rain from April just didn’t stop pouring down on me.
I don’t think it ever will;
And to be honest; if that’s what it takes for me to become a stronger and surer person of myself at the end of this exchange;
Flood my stupid garden.
No comments:
Post a Comment