stress

I don't know how to start this without coming off as being negative,
but I'm not being negative here.
I'm just being honest.
The truth hurts, and most of the time, the truth just sucks balls.

Lets just say, life as an exchange student can only amount to one thing,

and that is stress.

Stress, stress, and more stress.

You stress about the most stupid things.
Before coming to Japan, I didn't think I would stress about these particular things.
I thought school would be stressful just when it came to exam time,
and perhaps money.
Managing my own finances; I thought that was going to be tough.

However, both have not been stressful at all.
Everything else has been.
Sure, you have your fun going out, exploring the city, being "independent",
but when you are an exchange student, you have obligations to follow.

You live with a family that claim to treat you like one of the family,
but in reality, you are their little foreign human pet that they adopted.

You might come home later than usual,
but not surpassing your 9PM curfew.
In Japanese culture, when one arrives home, you say  お帰りなさい.
I wish they would mean it when they say it.
It's so contradicting. 
They would say "welcome home", but in reality, you aren't that welcomed.
Words just can't explain how I feel every single day when I come home.
It's literally, foot in door, and I wish the ground would swallow me up.
The look that you  receive upon your arrival is so unwelcoming,
and therefore you just wish that you stayed out longer in the first place.

They don't take into consideration the word "compromise".
A curfew is a curfew, and if there is a "special event" that you are dying to attend,
an hour leeway is considered huge.

You have fun with your friends, but at the back of your mind,
your curfew is constantly nagging at you;
similar to that pile of homework or assignments that you have yet to do
following the end of summer vacation.

The idea of spending a weekend with my host family traumatizes me.
It's not like I hate them, its just I feel that I'm a burden.
Whenever I do something wrong, I feel like forgiveness is not even an option anymore.
Living with a host family causes you to feel like you are being watched all the time.
Your every action is analyzed, reported back to your exchange company counselor, and in the following two days, there might be "family meetings" , and little emails from your "counselor" to tell you what you are doing wrong by being who you are.

I have exams coming up soon,
and unfortunately I do not have the superhuman will to simply study with gender confused Japanese male men dressed in pink and purple pin striped suits "singing" in the background,
a little 4 year old expressing her dire "cuteness" by screaming for presents,
bashing her head against the door to express so,
and two sausage dogs barking their bloody brains out for food.
The idea of studying in one's room, away from public eye, is considered taboo in Japanese culture.
Japanese people have this weird mentality that study is meant to be done in front of everyone.
It's pretty much, "if I don't see you study, you aren't studying."
So therefore, I have to study in this environment every day.
I try, and I fail.

I am interrogated everyday.
The amount I study, what I study, and if I hung out with other exchange students at lunch , or screaming 15 year old Japanese girls.
I have to show my textbooks and notebooks to my host dad every day,
and if they didn't make magical Superman progress since the previous day,
I would receive a short 5 minute lecture on how I'm not managing my time well.
Perhaps its simply advice; but from my point of view, it isn't at all.
As far as I'm concerned, Japanese people are not capable of advice.

Whenever I use internet, it's also in the living room.
The minute I take my laptop down to the living room, the conversation would stop,
and then tension would take place.
My host family heavily dislikes my using of internet,
although its gradually getting lesser and lesser by the week.
They think I'm using it to escape reality, and escape study.
It's partly true, but most of the time, I use the internet to keep in touch with friends.
 
As I said before; the word compromise is truly foreign to the Japanese people.
I swear Japanese people all think the same.
"What, there is another method?  But, but we've done it this way for so long,
so therefore we're going to keep to our own screwed up way of doing things,
and you do what we say, because you are in Japan. "
That is the mentality that has stuck for centuries, and will continue to stick for as long as this island floats.

Truth be told, as I am writing this blog,
my host mom and dad are awkwardly sitting at the table,
possibly wanting to hold another "family meeting" to discuss the reason as to why I chose to write a blog today, when it is SO terribly close to my exams.
And truth be told; if I don't release my stress somehow,
the two dogs that are whining for god knows what reason this time,
may end up in the hospital from a questionable dinner that they are yet to have. :]
(relax, I'm too much of a pussy to do anything to an animal)

Ask any exchange student that is abroad;
and they will give you the same answer.
Living on your own would be so much better.
So what if I have to cook my own food? So what if I have to do my own laundry?
At least I'll be coming home to a home.

It's not like I don't study.
I study every single day, damnit.
It's terrible, because most exchange students get leeway on academics,
but my school happens to be full of rich kids, and it's also quite famous in Tokyo,
so even the exchange kids are made to take tests.

Aside from domestic stress,

I have stress within myself.

I am frustrated with myself because I am scared shitless.
I can feel myself changing;
and I am not sure if its for the better or for the worse. 
My opinions and views, my morals, my likes and dislikes, my everything.
It's slowly kicking in.
I am changing, and I've changed.
It's only been a month so far,
but I'm changing.

There are many different things about myself that are changing,
and if I list all of them down, you'll probably click the little red box with a white cross in it to the top right of your browser page long before its close to being done.

A major change that has taken place is the way I think about my future.
I used to have this plan.
I used to think that plans work; and that if I made plans, and had goals,
I'd stick to them, and life would therefore go on from there,
Happy joy joy, nothing can interfere with the divine plan I have created for myself.

But my plan is ruined.
Heck, I don't even know what I want to do with my future now.
It used to be pretty solid.
It was either Law, or working at any magazine firm, hopefully someday, owning my own.
For example;
I used to think academics were all that it is.
You don't get a good education, you are pretty much screwed in life.
Don't get me wrong; it's still true,
heck, it's so legit in our world today its intimidating,
but I think that life is too short to just go straight to college, and then into the workforce.

I've never considered all the vast options that the world has to offer.
I thought I was aware of them, but meeting new people,
and talking to people from various cultures,
observing this one and what it lacks,
I know for sure that I have so many other things I want to accomplish in the future.
I've always longed to do world travel on my own,
but never actually thought that it would be possible-until now.


I'm heavily leaning towards world travel after college,
which I hope isn't Auckland University.
(yeah, I've suddenly become super determined not to attend college in New Zealand.)

I'm changing, and stress is overwhelming me,
and I'm trying to make the best out of this situation by telling myself that
I have more positives than negatives.
I definitely do, of course,
but maybe it's just an off day today.

I want to find joy.
For happiness is just temporary,
and having the recipe to your favorite chocolate cake is the only way to go in life. 
If I can find the satisfaction in the little things,
maybe I won't feel so overwhelmed in this country.
If I can find the comfort in adjusting,
and if I can find the justice in the injustice,
I'll have joy.

The month of May is already near done,
and I am shocked.
Time is passing by so slow, and yet so fast.
I swear it was just yesterday I was wondering how on earth I'd ever get the hang of the transport system in Japan,
and I swear it was just yesterday when I first discovered that my school is making me dye my hair black.
I swear it was just yesterday that I was back home in New Zealand, back with the familiar.

It was just yesterday, and it is now today.

I have yet to know what tomorrow will bring.

All my love always,

April