i've learned to love

We all have opinions.

Some more than others; but we all have them.

No matter whom you are, what race you are, what age you are,

An opinion is an opinion, and it is developed at birth.

Be it good, be it bad, it’s still an opinion.

For example, a good opinion would be that Starbucks frappucino’s are worth every single cent.

A bad one would be that you think Stephenie Meyer is a good author.

Your opinion shows who you are on the inside to a certain extent; but not always.

There are exceptions, and my blog is one of the exceptions.

The reason I started a blog is clearly illustrated in my first ever entry dating

goodness knows how many months ago.

Not only do I want to start a blog so that I can vent my frustration out;

It is also because I want to look back and say “hey, April, look at the loser you were back then, and look at how awesome you are now.”

I want to look back at all the expectations and hopes I have for the future today,

And maybe, just maybe, I can exceed those expectations in the future.

Or perhaps, these expectations would change?

I have no idea; and that is what this blog is for.

It’s not really for anyone else but me.

( and a little bit for my family and friends back home who are concerned about my mental health)

This blog is one of the rare things I am selfish about.

Two constant things I am very selfish about is

My brother and my music.

You are glad I am not selfish about you too much.

My brother is rather unfortunate to have to deal with my selfishness,

And my music isn’t really a physical being, so I’m sure my songs don’t really mind. =]

I hope that I haven’t given the impression that I am not having fun in Japan.

It appears that I have been giving the wrong impression with this blog, and I am disappointed that certain people will just come to a conclusion about my being here so quickly without even knowing who I am in the first place.

But I guess that is the internet, and that is the world of Facebook, and that is the world that we live in now.

The friends I have back home who read this blog understand who I am;

And that is I am a viciously emotionally charged person.

With all my past relationships, with all my past experiences in life;

I’ve had my heart in it all the way.

There is not a time when I don’t give it my very best shot.

Even when my heart is broken, torn to pieces, and all I want to do is be selfish, I give.

I have never stopped giving; because in all reality; it’s what keeps me going.

Knowing that I have the power to bless others with all that I have within me;

That’s enough to keep me going through any rough patch.

It is the reason why I make little gift bags for the girls in my class;

Even though they ignore me half the time.

It is the reason why I cook for my host family, buying the ingredients and all,

Even though I am running short of cash and in desperate need of money for things I want to buy here in Japan,

I don’t.

I choose to give instead.

I am sensitive in all the wrong places.

I get angry easily.

I have the weirdest logic imaginable, and if 1 + 1 was in fact a window, I would agree wholeheartedly despite it really totaling to a mere 2.

I am easily taken advantage of, and I am acutely aware of the moments that I am taken advantage of.

I have many expectations for myself, and I am my worst critic.

I have many flaws, but there is one thing I am very sure of and that is;

There is never a time in my life where I have never given it my all.

Hence; the amount of emotion I am undergoing here in my exchange in Japan.

If I was not putting in all this effort into my exchange here in Japan,

I wouldn’t have so much heart and soul into everything new and foreign that I experience here in Japan.

I’m grateful for all the emotion I am undergoing through here in Japan.

Sure; it has been rough.

Sure; I have been very unfair towards my host family in my previous blogs in certain comments that I’ve made,

But I don’t regret it at all.

I’ve come to realize that regretting is truly one of the biggest things you can do wrong in your life.

It’s mundane and pointless, and truth be told; there is always a reason it happened in the first place.

The entries in my blogs that are ridden with negativity; I am tempted to delete.

But I know that I won’t delete them.

The reason I’m blogging here in Japan? It’s all for memory’s sake.

How can you not want to know how far you’ve come in 5, or even 10 years time?

I want to look back at my blog today, and laugh.

Laugh at my immaturity, laugh at my logic, and just laugh.

I came to Japan for several reasons;

And those of you that know me really well, that know my story, my past, my ups, and my downs; you know why I came to Japan.

Besides learning the language as a native, I had a reason for coming.

Even after 20 years has gone, and I reflect back on my reasons for coming to Japan initially, I would remember the motivation that drove me to be here in Japan; and I will be consumed with regret.

Not because I don’t want to be in Japan, mind you; but because I regret letting that be my motivation for coming to Japan.

However; there is no time for regrets.

I am glad that it was my motivation for my being here in Japan,

For now I can discover Japan in a whole new light.

It’s already the 2^nd of June here in Japan.

I already feel it being a new chapter in my journey here in Japan.

I’ve gotten to love the things I never thought I would love.

I’ve gotten to familiarize myself with the foreign, and therefore; it’s not so foreign anymore.

The countdown to my leaving Japan is starting;

And I am wishing I didn’t have to count down.

For there are so many things about Japan I know I won’t have the opportunity to discover in the duration of the 10 months I am here for.

But there is always a next time; and for now, I will enjoy every day as if it’s my last.

I've become so much closer to the girls in my class;

and going on school trips with them have made me realize that although they are listening to

testosterone deprived males sing about clapping their hands in time,

they have their little quirks about them that make them interesting.

The family which I thought was hostile towards me,

Truly do have a genuine interest in me.

I’ve come to love them, and although I still do not understand the little quirks,

The many rules and restrictions regarding curfew times and internet usage and whatnot,

I’ve learned to turn a blind eye to it.

It took me a good two months; but I’ve made it.

I’m at this stage where I just simply can let go.

Let go, and Let God. 

We all are human after all;

And I’m slowly starting to build a closer relationship with each and every one of them.

I joke with my host dad, and I have cool conversations with my host mom.

I see my host sister in a new light. Sure, she is cute, but she’s more than that.

She has something special in her; and although she’s only 4, and she throws her tantrums when she’s sleepy;

She has the ability to go far in the future.

Not only is she exposed to a fair bit of English every day, but the exposure she’s getting with all these foreigners living in turn each and every year of her life will give her the strength to develop a character so unique, and so strong unlike any other.

The sausage dogs which bark insanely at the wrong times; I’ve also come to love.

I’ve realized that if you just stare them down, they realize that maybe barking isn’t the way to get attention.

I’ve always considered myself a loving and caring person.

However, coming to Japan has put this trait I thought was so strongly instilled in my character to the test.

I’ve failed it in the first two months I’m here;

But I think I’ve conquered it, for now all I can do is love.

I’d loved, I love, and I’ll continue to love.

Learning to truly love; is harder than it seems.

Love is not an abstract noun;

Or whatever the Oxford Dictionary has decided to categorize it under.

Love is a verb. It’s an action.

For if we just ride on the emotions of love; the rush, the thrill; that is not love.

That is fantasy, and we are all living in a Disney film where the “Happily Ever After” ending is not so great if you think hard enough.

Love is when you have nothing left in you; and you surrender.

You accept the good with the bad, and you suck it up.

You are brave, and although your heart aches with pain, you still love.

Through the confusion and the misunderstanding, you still love.

When you don’t know how to love; you just love anyway.

You love for what it’s worth, for that’s all we can really do in the end.

All my love always,

April