a single girl on Valentines Day.

WARNING: This blog will resemble a fat girl alone on Valentines Day eating her chocolate in the corner of a room while she listens to emo music about how she'll never find the one. 

Oh. Wait. That is this blog. So go ahead and press the little red button at the top right hand corner of your screen to avoid any brain cell damage.

So if you're like me, and you were/are single for the Hallmark event of Valentines Day,

you would have woken up feeling like absolute shit.

Pure shit.

I woke up this morning hating everything.
And I mean, everything.
I got mad at the fact that I had too many stuffed animals, all of which I received none from any previous boyfriends.
I was not only angry, but really crazy, oh-my-god-steam-is-literally-shooting-out-of-her-ass type of rage.

"Just finished a book about why I only need me to be happy! Yay Me~!!!"

"Single girls are empowered. They do not need another person in their life to make them happy."
I was the spitting image of this today.
You should have seen me.
I was so ninja.
(last three lines were sarcasm in case you all do not possess the ability to identify really shit attempts at sarcasm on the internet.)

No but seriously, I was having a psychotic breakdown over absolutely nothing at all.
Looking back now, I can laugh and wonder what in the world got over me, but all I can say is...I really am an idiot.

Following this psychotic breakdown, I had my Special K cereal.
It's what idiots like myself do on Hallmark events.
We freak out, then we have breakfast.
I'm part of the large percentage of idiots in this world that thinks that you can lose weight in two weeks by eating cereal, oh wait, pardon me, 'specialK' cereal for 14 days in a row.
I was going to get my fat ass to the gym and exercise but my eyes settled on a box of chocolates that my mom had previously bought for me.
Needless to say I raped that box of chocolates and I wouldn't be surprised if Cadbury decides to press charges.

So after listening to really depressing love songs about how many different times your heart is literally shoved into a food processor and made into mince meat, I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself.
What then, does April Wong decide to do on Valentines Day to feel better for herself?
Perhaps go out with friends?
Do not be alone, would be the logical answer.

I decided to go to the mall.
Just like Robin Sparkles does.
I went to the mall by myself, and I really have to ask myself WHY I did such a thing.
It's like I desire pain in my life.
I was slapped in the face my red and pink love heart balloons, and couples, just freaking EVERYWHERE..
The only thing keeping me sane from lighting everyone on fire was the one thought that...

If a zombie apocalypse was to happen right there and then, all the couples  would resort to try and eat each others brain's out.
Romantic.

It's like the North Shore had vomited up couples from every street and corner, and decided that a good place to store all this love-sick junk was in Albany Mall.
Do not get me started on the even more puke-worthy giggling and cuddling and canoodling.
Bleh.

I realize I sound like a total grinch.
Truth is, I think the idea of Valentines Day is always going to be really sweet.
I didn't always cringe at all the increasing 13 year old couples dawdling around in the streets.
There was a time in my life where I had the generosity to be happy for others.

When you are in a couple, Valentines Day is usually a day in which you can be smug and look down on all the other single people out in the world such as yours truly, and just shrug mindlessly and say, "ugh, they're just jealous they don't have what we have.."

When you are all but one though, and perhaps, still pining over that one person you really want to be with but can't, everything screams out murder at you.
The magazines I bought today for 15dollars all had single girl survival guides plastered on the covers because it was the month of February.
Of course, editors at magazines find a need to make single girls nationwide feel even more shittier by publishing articles directly targeting the single losers that buy these magazines.
Survival Guides.
In what way...and..why is it called...why...*mindfuck*

We are all built around this idea that we would need someone in our lives to fulfill us.
True, humans crave affection and love; and dare I say it, I don't think any of us can live without another's affection or love.
Be it friendly love, romantic love, or the most genuine and pure form of love, familial love.
So although most girls crave tomantic love, and all will want it in one way or another, desperation does not look too good.
Do I want a boyfriend?
No.
But I hate the feeling of when I can't have that certain someone.

I had a bit of a rough start to the year.
From the end of my exchange, to the arrival gates of Auckland Airport, to the realization that I have closed a whole chapter of my life and am forced to write a new one...
It's been really tough.
Heck, I still wake up at times thinking that I'm stuck in some kind of Inception limbo.

Then came along Valentines Day and it makes you miss the ones you no longer have.

Despite all the ups and downs, (mostly downs, if not all downs) of my coming back to New Zealand, Valentines Day was very bittersweet for me.
Sure, I was probably the only pathetic single in the mall today, but it didn't bother me after a while.
It was quite nice to write letters to friends, and witness all the other people waiting in line, clearly in a LDRs frantically sending last-minute care packages to their significant others.
It reminded me that I'm lucky enough to have loved and lost.

looking hot, bothered, and exhausted after a whole day in the NZ sun

So even though I may not be in an official relationship for Valentines, I'm grateful that I have friends and family whom I love.
Not so much that I'll buy them a card in which I profess my undying love for them, but just the genuine kind of tiramisu with lots of cream kind of love ;)

All my love always,
and have a great valentines day, single or attached,

April