馬鹿 idiot?

Humans are idiots.

Okay, maybe the whole population isn’t totally idiotic;

Although I have yet to find a single human that isn’t somewhat idiotic in some way or another. (No offense.)

Despite the amount of idiots there are in the world,

I have a feeling I’m one of the more idiotic idiots that are present.

It’s always the same.

I tell myself I won’t look back, I’ll press forward.

I won’t get upset at the little things.

I will breathe and count to 10 before screaming into my pillow at night.

But no.

I make the same mistakes over and over, and over and over again.

It’s pretty much, “oh hey, look, a bridge. I am quite positive that jumping over it won’t cause me any physical injury whatsoever, and death isn’t even slightly possible if I were to let’s say, haul myself over this bridge, and into a gorging river full of sharp edged rocks on the river floor. It only caused me to break a couple of ribs and get plastic surgery on my face the other time; what’s the worst that could happen now?”

Have you ever felt that little nagging feeling in the back of your mind?

That little voice that tells you that you are doing something wrong,

And you should just stop; but you don’t.

You just go ahead and do it anyway; just for the thrill of doing so,

And when you’re done being badass, you regret.

Regret consumes you just as fast as Japan consumes one’s self worth.

That’s it really. No better description than that.

However; the more you continue, the more you realize that the possibility of getting caught just dissipates. It just disappears, and you get better and better at doing what you are not supposed to be doing.

You become someone you’re not.

And when you talk to people that knew you before you’ve turned into this monster, guilt just overwhelm you.

Guilt, shame, and further disgust for yourself.

Such emotion experienced on a daily basis eats away at your very soul.

And therefore, even happiness is out of reach.

But then again; what you’ve become doesn’t deserve happiness.

And what I don’t understand is;

Is how He can love me still?

How he can love me still;

When only He and I know what I am doing in secret,

The thoughts that circulate my mind,

The negativity and anger inside of me,

And yet he loves me.

And yet his grace runs everlasting for me.

I don’t understand, and I am so undeserving.

My shame is deeper than the sea, but his grace is deeper still.

My heart is far away; but his love goes further still.

I know He’s waiting for me to surrender my heart to Him for goodness knows how many times already;

And he’s just waiting, patiently.

But I know I’m just going to be stubborn, stupid, and unwilling to.

Why? Because I can’t physically see him and what I want now is purely what I can see,

What I can touch, what I can know for sure is going to be physically able to help me.

Which is where I just fail at life, really.

I’ve realized that this is where I need to change.

Positivity isn’t hard; it’s a choice, and I’ve just gotta be brave to make that choice.

It’s harder to keep on living, and I am taking this road no matter what

Damn, that sounded so suicidal.

But not to worry; I’m not so pathetic to take my own life and risk hurting the ones I love the most around me.

Although I feel that I’m slowly losing myself;

And the changes I’ve made within myself are scaring the bejeezus out of me,

I can’t whine too much because time has literally flown by since I’ve been here in Japan.

It’s nearing the end of May soon, and I cannot believe how fast a day goes by here.

In comparison to when I was living back home; even during exams and studying and stress; time never passed this fast.

So I’ve only got 8 months of Japan left.

Soon, it’ll be 7, and before I know it

summer break will also be over just when it was getting started.

May has its ups and downs,

just like every month would have I would think.

I've had opportunities to be creative,

and I've made my own cups, plates, and bowls so far at a crafts making shop two hours away from Tokyo.

And I’m going to have to say goodbye to some of the most amazing people I’ve met so far very soon.

I think one of the hardest things about being on exchange;

besides constant loneliness and culture shock;

is the goodbye part.

You meet amazing people from all over the planet that relate to you in a way your friends back home simply can't, (because they are not in the same situation you are in.)

Although you spend a ton of time together; it's not enough.

Sooner or later; you have to say goodbye.

And that, my friends, is a bitch I would like to call life. 

I've also had the amazing pleasure of seeing Chris Tomlin live, 

along with Louie Giglio at the Passion Conference recently.

Missing John Mayer was seriously tough;

but John Mayer's Battle Studies Tour was international, and running in goodness knows how many cities all over the world.

The Passion Conference this year was exclusive to only seven major cities in seven major countries around the world,

and I feel so privileged to have attended one of them being in Tokyo, Japan.

It was eye opening to see that passion runs even in Japan.

Even though there are so many things in Japan that I disagree with;

whaling been one of the very top things...

I've found passion in Japan.

I think with God in you; it's hard not to be passionate.

May did bring me flowers, mind you.

But the rain from April just didn’t stop pouring down on me.

I don’t think it ever will;

And to be honest; if that’s what it takes for me to become a stronger and surer person of myself at the end of this exchange;

Flood my stupid garden.

All my love always,

April

stress

I don't know how to start this without coming off as being negative,
but I'm not being negative here.
I'm just being honest.
The truth hurts, and most of the time, the truth just sucks balls.

Lets just say, life as an exchange student can only amount to one thing,

and that is stress.

Stress, stress, and more stress.

You stress about the most stupid things.
Before coming to Japan, I didn't think I would stress about these particular things.
I thought school would be stressful just when it came to exam time,
and perhaps money.
Managing my own finances; I thought that was going to be tough.

However, both have not been stressful at all.
Everything else has been.
Sure, you have your fun going out, exploring the city, being "independent",
but when you are an exchange student, you have obligations to follow.

You live with a family that claim to treat you like one of the family,
but in reality, you are their little foreign human pet that they adopted.

You might come home later than usual,
but not surpassing your 9PM curfew.
In Japanese culture, when one arrives home, you say  お帰りなさい.
I wish they would mean it when they say it.
It's so contradicting. 
They would say "welcome home", but in reality, you aren't that welcomed.
Words just can't explain how I feel every single day when I come home.
It's literally, foot in door, and I wish the ground would swallow me up.
The look that you  receive upon your arrival is so unwelcoming,
and therefore you just wish that you stayed out longer in the first place.

They don't take into consideration the word "compromise".
A curfew is a curfew, and if there is a "special event" that you are dying to attend,
an hour leeway is considered huge.

You have fun with your friends, but at the back of your mind,
your curfew is constantly nagging at you;
similar to that pile of homework or assignments that you have yet to do
following the end of summer vacation.

The idea of spending a weekend with my host family traumatizes me.
It's not like I hate them, its just I feel that I'm a burden.
Whenever I do something wrong, I feel like forgiveness is not even an option anymore.
Living with a host family causes you to feel like you are being watched all the time.
Your every action is analyzed, reported back to your exchange company counselor, and in the following two days, there might be "family meetings" , and little emails from your "counselor" to tell you what you are doing wrong by being who you are.

I have exams coming up soon,
and unfortunately I do not have the superhuman will to simply study with gender confused Japanese male men dressed in pink and purple pin striped suits "singing" in the background,
a little 4 year old expressing her dire "cuteness" by screaming for presents,
bashing her head against the door to express so,
and two sausage dogs barking their bloody brains out for food.
The idea of studying in one's room, away from public eye, is considered taboo in Japanese culture.
Japanese people have this weird mentality that study is meant to be done in front of everyone.
It's pretty much, "if I don't see you study, you aren't studying."
So therefore, I have to study in this environment every day.
I try, and I fail.

I am interrogated everyday.
The amount I study, what I study, and if I hung out with other exchange students at lunch , or screaming 15 year old Japanese girls.
I have to show my textbooks and notebooks to my host dad every day,
and if they didn't make magical Superman progress since the previous day,
I would receive a short 5 minute lecture on how I'm not managing my time well.
Perhaps its simply advice; but from my point of view, it isn't at all.
As far as I'm concerned, Japanese people are not capable of advice.

Whenever I use internet, it's also in the living room.
The minute I take my laptop down to the living room, the conversation would stop,
and then tension would take place.
My host family heavily dislikes my using of internet,
although its gradually getting lesser and lesser by the week.
They think I'm using it to escape reality, and escape study.
It's partly true, but most of the time, I use the internet to keep in touch with friends.
 
As I said before; the word compromise is truly foreign to the Japanese people.
I swear Japanese people all think the same.
"What, there is another method?  But, but we've done it this way for so long,
so therefore we're going to keep to our own screwed up way of doing things,
and you do what we say, because you are in Japan. "
That is the mentality that has stuck for centuries, and will continue to stick for as long as this island floats.

Truth be told, as I am writing this blog,
my host mom and dad are awkwardly sitting at the table,
possibly wanting to hold another "family meeting" to discuss the reason as to why I chose to write a blog today, when it is SO terribly close to my exams.
And truth be told; if I don't release my stress somehow,
the two dogs that are whining for god knows what reason this time,
may end up in the hospital from a questionable dinner that they are yet to have. :]
(relax, I'm too much of a pussy to do anything to an animal)

Ask any exchange student that is abroad;
and they will give you the same answer.
Living on your own would be so much better.
So what if I have to cook my own food? So what if I have to do my own laundry?
At least I'll be coming home to a home.

It's not like I don't study.
I study every single day, damnit.
It's terrible, because most exchange students get leeway on academics,
but my school happens to be full of rich kids, and it's also quite famous in Tokyo,
so even the exchange kids are made to take tests.

Aside from domestic stress,

I have stress within myself.

I am frustrated with myself because I am scared shitless.
I can feel myself changing;
and I am not sure if its for the better or for the worse. 
My opinions and views, my morals, my likes and dislikes, my everything.
It's slowly kicking in.
I am changing, and I've changed.
It's only been a month so far,
but I'm changing.

There are many different things about myself that are changing,
and if I list all of them down, you'll probably click the little red box with a white cross in it to the top right of your browser page long before its close to being done.

A major change that has taken place is the way I think about my future.
I used to have this plan.
I used to think that plans work; and that if I made plans, and had goals,
I'd stick to them, and life would therefore go on from there,
Happy joy joy, nothing can interfere with the divine plan I have created for myself.

But my plan is ruined.
Heck, I don't even know what I want to do with my future now.
It used to be pretty solid.
It was either Law, or working at any magazine firm, hopefully someday, owning my own.
For example;
I used to think academics were all that it is.
You don't get a good education, you are pretty much screwed in life.
Don't get me wrong; it's still true,
heck, it's so legit in our world today its intimidating,
but I think that life is too short to just go straight to college, and then into the workforce.

I've never considered all the vast options that the world has to offer.
I thought I was aware of them, but meeting new people,
and talking to people from various cultures,
observing this one and what it lacks,
I know for sure that I have so many other things I want to accomplish in the future.
I've always longed to do world travel on my own,
but never actually thought that it would be possible-until now.


I'm heavily leaning towards world travel after college,
which I hope isn't Auckland University.
(yeah, I've suddenly become super determined not to attend college in New Zealand.)

I'm changing, and stress is overwhelming me,
and I'm trying to make the best out of this situation by telling myself that
I have more positives than negatives.
I definitely do, of course,
but maybe it's just an off day today.

I want to find joy.
For happiness is just temporary,
and having the recipe to your favorite chocolate cake is the only way to go in life. 
If I can find the satisfaction in the little things,
maybe I won't feel so overwhelmed in this country.
If I can find the comfort in adjusting,
and if I can find the justice in the injustice,
I'll have joy.

The month of May is already near done,
and I am shocked.
Time is passing by so slow, and yet so fast.
I swear it was just yesterday I was wondering how on earth I'd ever get the hang of the transport system in Japan,
and I swear it was just yesterday when I first discovered that my school is making me dye my hair black.
I swear it was just yesterday that I was back home in New Zealand, back with the familiar.

It was just yesterday, and it is now today.

I have yet to know what tomorrow will bring.

All my love always,

April

so far, so good.

I've noticed that a lot of Japanese people lack opinions and personalities.

You get the odd ones, the ones that give a crap.
The ones that have been exposed to different cultures, and have realized what their own is missing.
Those Japanese people have tact.
The average Japanese person though;
they do not possess an opinion about anything whatsoever.

If a traumatic bomb came and hit Tokyo,
the majority of the teens here would most likely chuck in a いやだ (iyada) to express their dislike for the incident.
That's most likely it.
They would continue on with their lives, and act like nothing is wrong.

The Japanese language continues to annoy me everyday,
especially the fact that they do not know how to be compassionate, but they use phrase(s) just for the sake of social obligation. 
It's so fake, and it sickens me to the core.
Words such as がんばって、ざんねんですね、しようがない、are just the few I cannot stand.
These are my top three though.
These all have one thing in common; they suck.

You see, がんばって is a word used to try and say "hey, good luck, keep going, don't fail at life", whatever.
But the Japanese feel take it a little too far.
Sure, you can use がんばって when its a sport match, or perhaps with a test,
but don't use がんばって when you are dealing with a serious situation.
Japanese people use がんばって when they don't know what to say, and they feel the need to say something, but in reality, they don't give a rats ass about what you are going through.
がんばって is like advice. Well, thank you for attempting to encourage me but you just really frustrated me even more.
 
ざんねんですね is quite amusing.
ざんねんですね is used so often in the Japanese language, that it actually is really ざんねんですね. 
It means "that's too bad", but Japanese people use it in the most ridiculous and wrong situations that I just find it so funny.
It's literally like "hey dude, my cat died today", or "man, my parents are getting divorced," and then the Japanese people will literally smile, and say ざんねんですね, and then follow up with a "so how is your day buddy?"

しようがない is.. I don't even know what it is.
This phrase is like ざんねんで すね except with more fake compassion, and minus the amusement.
Whenever someone pulls a しようがない on me, I shoot them the most dirty and sinful look I feel my soul vomit a bit inside.

Despite my frustration with the Japanese people and their lack of compassion for anything,
I've realized that my life in Tokyo is getting better.
I'm starting to realize that if I don't take the little things to heart, and I just get over myself for once,
Tokyo is one of the coolest places to explore.
Sure, I have a curfew,
but I have the whole year to truly enjoy Tokyo.
Sure, I regularly get compared to previous foreigners whom have superhuman abilities and learn the whole Japanese language in the course of two weeks,
but I'll survive.

I've realized that if I just let go, and let God, life won't be so tough.
I have no one to really oblige but God.
I've taken Him for granted, and I've forgotten that He's really been looking out for me in ways I cannot possibly imagine.
He's been testing me through situations, watching me, if I'll usually do my little angry rant at Him for not giving me what I want, then apologizing for it later when I realized I've yet to discover the outcome of the situation.

He's blessed me with so much more than I can possibly ask for.
Opportunities, friends, a great church, and great support back home.
I've counted my blessing, and I've realized that I cannot complain.
I've just got to accept the differences and move on.
I can maybe rant for a week or so,
but at the end of the day, I have more positives than negatives going for me right now.

I went to my first baseball game!

It was so much fun, and I've discovered that baseball is such a tease because at the end of the day,
nothing really exciting happens, its just hit, strike, "oh, ざんねんで すね, lets try two more times, and fail yet again."
The best part about the game was just the fans.
Oh, the lovely fans.
The baseball team players each have their own song dedicated to them.
What's even cooler, is that these Japanese crazed fans remember all the words, and the different tunes to each one, and they even know when to sing the songs!
It's mind blowing, and I don't understand how they can be so passionate for sport, but not for people.

I've also made some really cool friends here in Tokyo,
and although they are from foreign countries,
they are awesome.
I've realized how much we take for granted back in New Zealand.
Freedom of expression, freedom to breathe the air without choking terribly at the taste of nicotine in the back of your throat?
These are all privileges we didn't know we had,
and when you come to Japan, you appreciate your home country more.
When native people from Japan leave their home country to a different one,
they begin to experience a weird form of culture shock.

I've also been to many parts of Tokyo to shop and eat, and just act like a total gaijin while I have the license to.
Sunshine City in Ikebukuro had no sunshine, but the shopping was good fun!

So apart from the lack of good western food in Japan,
and apart from the pasta that gave me one of the worst tummy aches to date,
I am enjoying Tokyo.

I feel proud that I am so immune to the cute now.
I can proudly say I am walking by stores that I would have previously tried to buy two years ago when I was here.
I have a strong immune system to the "cute", but not such a strong immune system when it comes to shopping at foreign brands.
It'll get better though. Right?
Yes, right. :]

So.
To all the endless artificial and yet somehow oddly pleasant looking photo booth taking sessions yet to come,
and all the places in Tokyo yet to explore,

I bid you お休み (goodnight)  from Japan.

All my love always,

April

april showers will bring may flowers

It's my second month in Tokyo.

It's so hard to believe, because so much has happened.
To be exact, a lot of the unexpected has happened.
Too many discoveries about this culture which I thought I knew so well,
and too many realizations about who I really am as a person- and how much I need to change.

It feels like a whole year already.
The days crawl by at an unbelievably slow rate, but the week tends to fly by.
I had this problem in New Zealand, but I wouldn't imagine it would still stick with me while I'm in Tokyo, Japan.
If everything is so crowded and busy all the time, shouldn't time follow suit?
Apparently not.

I've done more than I thought I would do in my first month in Tokyo.

I've visited Disney Sea for the second time in my life,
but I didn't buy the whole bloody theme park as I attempted to do two years ago.
Its refreshing to know that I don't blow my money away on some random pencil with a huge Mickey Mouse bobble head attached to it,
but it's also very distressing.
I should be squealing, and jumping for joy at the sickening money leeching ways of Disney,
but I've grown immune.
Immune to the cute, immune to the foreign.

I've discovered that living in someone else' home is very different,
and when family squabbles take place, you end up wishing that the ground will swallow you whole...
When you feel like you are a burden as opposed to a blessing,
and when you are the sole cause of tension,
the terrible awkward feeling in your gut is worse than death itself.
A house is not a home,
and home is really where the heart is.

I haven't conquered the Japanese public transportation system...yet.
People still push me around, and I am still late for school at times.
The bus is still more expensive than the train,
and my biological clock is not yet developed enough to tell me to wake up when its my turn to get off at a particular stop.

I've discovered that my English is getting worse.
I'm slowly starting to forget adjectives and adverbs.
I'm gradually starting to feel like I don't have a national language,
and I can just speak a bit of English, a bit of Japanese, and a bit of Chinese.


I'm frustrated by the irony in Japan.
Japan is reputed to be an extremely clean country,
but ironically they don't provide bins at every nook and cranny.
The train stations are void of rubbish bins, and so are the bus stands.
In fact, there are absolutely no bins along the street.
Where do these people deposit their waste?!
It really puzzles me.

I realize that there are some things in Japan that I will love,
and I have yet to explore and enjoy.
Curfews are restricting, and so is obligation.
The start of May begins with a week's worth of holiday,
but my host mom has made me feel extremely obligated to dismiss any other plans I may have,
and spend this "Golden Week" babysitting her daughter, watching The Little Mermaid in Japanese,
and walking two sausage dogs to the park and back every morning at 8AM.

There is no such thing as sleeping in here in Japan.
When I informed my family that I used to sleep till 12PM during vacation,
they said that this type of behavior is intolerable in Japan.
It's apparently on the same scale of unacceptable as crossing your legs.
Interesting.

I have to get up at 7:30 every morning on holidays,
and 5AM on a normal day.
Yay. No proper sleep for an entire year.
I cannot possibly wait.
Oh well, I shouldn't complain.
I catch up on my sleep at school anyway. 

I realize now that I lie quite a bit.
Not to anyone, but to myself.
I tell myself I'm fine, I tell myself that I'm "over it",
but I'm in all sincerity, still very much back at square one,
and not moving on from where I was a year ago.

I also regret ever fighting with the ones I love over the silly little things in life.
I regret, and I continue to regret,
for time is the one thing you cannot turn back,
and I wish that I could, day, after day, after day.

I remember all the things I used to take for advantage,
and my coming to Japan has taught me to never do so again.
I take my parents and my brother for advantage all the time,
but I guess you do that when you know that their love is the only love here on earth that is unconditional...
I miss them so much, and I never thought I'd miss my brother being his annoying sarcastic self,
but I am dying for someone to tell me that I just got "lawyered", and tease me about if the latest episode of Grey's Anatomy really involves someone dying yet again.

 Koko, if you are reading this,

you have to sleep on the couch for the first month I'm back in New Zealand.

I am raiding your computer.

I also miss all my friends at Rangitoto College.

The amount of days I was absent?

GAH. WHY!

I am so stupid for skipping school as I did last year as a result of overwhelming Design assignments.
I hope my friends are doing better than I am right now.
7th Form is free, and nothing like the high school system here in Japan.
(thank God.)

I miss my unlimited internet,
and my unlimited ability to utilize it.


I feel disconnected from the world,
and when I only found out about the volcano incident totally screwing up with the flight schedules in Europe approximately a whole week after it happened,
I totally flipped out.
A week after is not acceptable,
and neither is watching Disney Channel in Japanese as opposed to watching the news, or some random, crappy Japanese Television Show.


April Showers will bring May Flowers.
Oh God, I freaking hope so.
April has always been a rather cursed month.
Hitler was born in April,
and the Titanic sunk in April.
Stalin also invaded some random country in April,
and some holocaust also occured in April,
so maybe the bad things this month was a very long and cruel prank on my being.

I'm hoping that the fact I get to sleep in for two and a half extra hours in the first week of May will determine my happiness for the rest of the month.
I'm hoping I accomplish lots this month, and my Japanese won't suck even more than it does now.
Maybe I'l make new friends, and grow closer in the friendships I've made so far.

I don't think its ever possible to stop culture shocking.
After I've been here a month, I've realized that there are many things that are so bizarre,
one cannot possibly start to accept it, or respect it either.
Culture shock experiences are getting more and more frequent now,
but I'm also getting used to being culture shocked.
I've accepted the fact that feeling like an alien is really the life I will have to lead while I'm here in Japan.
They don't call it the "Alien Registration Card" for nothing...

When people ask me how I'm doing,
I really don't know how to answer.
"Fine" would be a blatant lie,
but so would "terrible". 

I don't know how I'm doing.
I'm not doing great,
but I'm not doing terrible either.
I'm just living this foreign life,
taking a step at a time,
trying to carpe diem my ass off as planned before,
but failing miserably at the same time.

I think I need some good pizza that doesn't cost the earth,
and bread that doesn't look paper white and taste like glue.

All my love always,

April