Tuesday, November 20, 2012
not there yet
I couldn't sleep last night. I have had many sleepless nights since the day you left, and undoubtedly the effects of late nights and early dark mornings have taken its toll on me.
It shows on my face, the dark circles telling a story of great heartache and loss.
But last night I couldn't sleep because I realise that as the days grow longer, the summer fast approaching, you are truly no longer mine.
I can't move on- not only because I do not want to, but guilt washes over me if I neglect the thought of you for a second.
I should be fighting for you, for us- the way I did those months ago when I opened up my heart to you again, and again.
Despite knowing deep down that maybe, I deserved better than what you gave, I longed for the friendship and laughs, the warmth and comfort I found with you.
I fought for you relentlessly, overcoming every obstacle and sacrificing everything just to be by your side.
I could not sleep because I've truly never been so bitter.
With every postcard, every email, every letter, every meal, every kiss, hug and every thought, I truly loved, love and will love you.
I could not sleep because I'm mad with you. You never encouraged me- more often than not, you were the reason I was down. And when I needed you the most, you left. You moved on so quickly it kills me everyday to think about it.
I could not sleep because I'm mad with myself. Why do I love so much when there's nothing in return? Nothing other than silence, and photos to remind me how quickly you can move on. Well done- I'll hand you an award someday for Biggest Jerk of the Century.
Years of love ended in mere days of thought- it's heartbreaking knowing how little I mean to you.
If I even mean anything at all?
It's not the start that matters, it's the end- and you were not there for me in the end.
But when I close my eyes- there you are, arms around me- hold me tight.
I couldn't sleep because I know deep down- we were truly something.
That no matter how angry I try to be with you, it's hard to deny it- we were great.
There was a time we proved everyone wrong- long distance does work because love works in miraculous ways. After all, the two people that brought me into this world were bound together by pen and paper 35 years ago.
And most of all- I couldn't sleep because I still miss you. So much.
No matter how many lessons of singledom I take; no matter how many countless number of fishes there are in the sea, I still miss you.
Like a certain quest undertaken by a lonely clown fish in the Great Barrier Reef- there are 7 billion people in this world but my heart aches for the connection I had with you.
I don't want to stop fighting for you.
Maybe it takes time. To not get over you but to get used to the absence of you.
My heart has broken before and I know that even if you lose love you find it again.
But my past experiences are of little comfort and the memory of you leaving plays in my mind every day.
It takes time.
But I'm just not there yet.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
we'll be glowing in the dark
my camera sucks. This photo does not do the concert any justice! |
I've been a Coldplay fan for most of my teenage years now, and still remain a loyal Chris Martin follower following the days of Yellow and The Scientist.
Though many of his original fans disagree with the musical direction taken with Mylo Xyloto- I have to strongly disagree. It's a given that Princess of China (featuring the all too popular Rihanna) and Paradise have taken charge as "pop" songs, but other songs on the album; Up in Flames, Don't Let It Break Your Heart, Up With The Birds- to name a few, still maintain that Coldplay quality we all have grown to know and love.
Yesterday's concert far exceeded my expectations. The only complaint I do have is the duration. It definitely needed to be longer! It seemed like Temper Trap played longer but it's probably because we were too busy "singing" along to Coldplay to realise that a song had actually finished.
We got to our seats around 5:30pm, and of course Kelly and I resumed photo-taking duties. My disapproving brother and his semi-supportive friend just watched as Kelly and I squealed. The above photo sums up the entire concert. My brother "pretending" to sleep- you can see him stifle a smile in the photo, whilst his friend is... I don't know, having "fun" I guess (who knew people in commerce were capable of that?)
Admittedly I did most of the squealing. And jumping. And dancing. But I regret nothing! I'm not the type to remain composed or graceful. I dragged Kelly into photos and am guilty of forcing everyone to assume embarrassing Go Go Power Ranger poses.
our wristbands at night |
After months of watching Youtube videos, I can't believe that last night, I finally got the chance to experience Mylo Xyloto live. It was truly a great performance. The lights, the production, but most importantly- the quality of music, never fails to wow me each and every time. It was amazing watching our wristbands light up and flicker against the dark night sky. I am truly so happy they've decided to come to NZ and not abruptly cancel, as most artists tend to do given our inconvenient location and very small population.
Song, after song, the band performed spectacularly. How does Chris manage to keep up those vocals while running around and jumping up and down, I'll never know. Kelly and I speculate he might be taking performance enhancing drugs. I was tired just climbing up the stairs to our seats.
But in all seriousness- the band truly looked like they were having FUN up on stage. And that joy does transcend to the crowd.
It's great Coldplay managed to play most of their old songs as well. I heard that Radiohead only played two Ok Computer songs in their recent concert here in NZ and many original fans were quite disappointed.
So if you did miss the Coldplay concert last night- it's not the end of the world (yet). Chances are they'll play most of the Mylo Xyloto tracks on their next world tour.
Already counting down to my next Coldplay concert! Perhaps if I get enough money I can be one of those crazy fangirls that travel around the world with the band.
Hope everyone is enjoying the end of exams and celebrating under the sun.
Did I mention the weather yesterday was ridiculously good as well?
It's like they paid Mother Nature for a cloudless blue sky.
All my love always,
April
Monday, October 29, 2012
summer is just around the corner
Guess what arrived at the door today...
Truly the highlight of my
I haven't had good New Zealand strawberries since the summer of 2009!
Not to mention the weather is getting warmer and the days are so much longer.
You don't realise how much you miss a proper NZ summer until you experience it.
Hopefully I'll have a lot more to enjoy before I leave on my Malaysia/Singapore/Japan adventure this December...
One exam down, three more to go.
I feel like I've went up Mount Fuji twice in sitting that criminal law exam.
My stamina needs work.
Apologies for the whiny Taylor Swift blog posts as of late. Hopefully I'll learn to internalize my heartbroken thoughts to the point that they eventually fizzle into nothing-ness.
Back to normal blogging very soon!
All my love always,
April
Thursday, October 25, 2012
thoughts at midnight
I had a dream the other night.
You, standing alone on the platform where we nearly said goodbye, the streetlights dancing all around us, an orange glow warming the cold winter air.
I could hear nothing but the sound of my own sobbing, my endless nonsensical bargaining, and the learned helplessness sinking in as I realise that this is really, our last goodbye.
You were not what I wanted. Not really.
But my love for you was stubborn and I couldn't seem to let you go.
The one thing I know is that I would have done, and I would do anything for you.
Perhaps the distance destroyed us, but I know one thing for sure is that my love for you was the only thing that held us together for so long.
And it takes two kinds of love.
No matter how great one's heart may be.
In my dream I refused to accept this truth.
The train bell sounds and I know. It's now or never.
I jump onto the platform, giving everything away just so I can be with you.
Some people yearn for success, fame, an accomplished career.
But all I've ever wanted is to love someone with all my heart, to truly say "I love you" and mean every, single, word.
You don't help me up the platform.
You stand there and you watch the horizon.
Indifferent to the burning platform, indifferent to my efforts to try and love you.
As I try to embrace you, you push me and walk away.
My skin burns from the heat of the flames, mocking my stupidity for believing that you actually care.
But still, I run after you, begging for you to turn around and look at me.
Look at what you're doing to me.
Then, as you drift further and further away, happy to escape our delusional fairy tale, it dawns on me.
You're fine in the fire.
::::::::
The scary thing about dreams is that though 99% of the time they mean anything, there is a small likelihood that it reflects the future.
And truth be told.
I had this dream long before I fought for you a second time.
And when I saw you for the last time, cycling up to meet me in the sticky night air, this dream flashed before my eyes like a warning sign.
But love blinded me, and I ignored it.
I hoped my love for you would forever bind us together.
I'm still in love with you, but that's okay. I'm not ashamed of how much I loved and love you.
I know that one day, I'll pull myself out of the fire.
I'll get back on that train, and in due time, I will stop being sorry that this one-sided relationship ended.
And I'll sing these words with profound meaning:
I'm not sorry that I met you.
I'm not sorry that it's over.
I'm not sorry that there's nothing to save.
Just not tonight.
Disclaimer:
I'll eventually stop Dear Diary-ing the shit out of this blog.
Eventually.
April
Monday, October 1, 2012
email etiquette: what not to do.
![](http://blog-imgs-54.fc2.com/c/r/y/crystal0520/Gmail-Icon.png)
It's quite sad- I was so used to checking it every day but now?
I don't think it matters all too much if I don't.
Anyway, I just received an email from my manager in Japanese, detailing my monthly income and the accommodation. Maybe it's the lack of practice, or something, but I've never felt more embarrassed to use the internet in my life than I do now.
The following is an accurate (and unfortunate) translated series of emails:
His email:
Hi April,
Global Property will be paying your monthly rent! Not to worry.
Your income will be X amount.
What apartment would you like? Close to Ginza? Or somewhere a bit closer to where I stay?
And my reply went down like this:
Hi,
Will I be paying my own rent?
I think I'd like to stay somewhere close to where I work. Ginza sounds fine.
But if its too expensive, I don't think I'll be able to afford it.
And I "accidentally" press send.
So I send another email (making even more of a dick of myself) going:
Hi,
Sorry about that. The email just sent by itself!
I was about to ask in my previous email about the electricity and internet bills.
Are they included in the rent package?
April
I proceed to exit my browser.
A minute later, I open up my email again thinking that I'd get a reply.
Because we all know that any any email sent via Gmail will command a reply straight away.
I read his email again.
This time, carefully and slowly.
And then it dawns on me. I am such a dick.
I know I have to send another email to apologise for being temporarily illiterate. But do Japanese people even allow for such petty mistakes?
If I didn't own up however, I'd make even more of a dick of myself (if that's even remotely possible given my inability to make good life decisions thus far) and risk losing any ounce of respect my manager has for me.
So instead of writing up an essay about the law of omissions for my Criminal law
Let this blog be a reminder to those who send emails to future employers. Do not follow in my footsteps.
Hopefully my third time's a charm.
I'm going to stop sending emails for a while now.
Will probably come up with an appropriate apology email by tomorrow morning.
Lesson for today? Please, please PLEASE read the email you're replying to carefully, slowly, and with excruciating detail. When you think you've understood everything, read it again.
And again.
Because once you hit send, you can never take that email back.
Well, unless you install that Gmail email application that allows you to retrieve emails back even after you've hit send.
Gmail. Helping us all save face, one email at a time.
All my love always,
April
Thursday, September 13, 2012
a postcard for you.
When you buy a postcard for someone you love, think carefully and slowly. Should you send a scenic postcard, a picture of your local countryside, mountains in the background and woolly sheep in the fore? Would it speak your mind or hide whats in your heart?
Or maybe, keep your loved one guessing. Send a map, and pretend that what you two have really is that simple.
Fold once, fold twice, and I'm right next to you in your arms.
Or, be less abstract and get personal. That picture we took last Christmas under the lights. The blue, red, and white flickering over your skin and onto mine. I'll print it out and write on the back; I. Miss. You.
And the date of course, a congratulatory stamp of how far we've made it since the day we met.
A date to show how far we've still yet to go.
:::
When I buy you a postcard, I think carefully and slowly. What do I write? What can I write? Words are just words and they'll never bring you closer to me. As your inbox fills up with my love, mine is empty with memories of what used to be. Instead of counting down the days left to see you, I'm counting up from the day you left. As the number hits the dreaded 365, the halfway mark of what should be our long distance love anniversary is instead a year of words spoken but never heard.
As I watch your life move on from mine, no longer pictures of you and I but you and someone else, I close my eyes and write you. Cards to you from last Christmas, last Valentines, last Summer. Let's go through the worn photos, their familiar smiles-
repeat.
:::
I write of the past- the reality and my expectations blurring together into one sepia mess. I'm comforted in the postcards, and I write you still. I'm letting you know all the love I feel for you, and how you'd never realise how much love you're losing.
Is there a word for the moment you find out you've been replaced? Replaced by more physical and present things than a postage stamp kissed with love from the bottom of the world.
Is there a way I can describe this gut-wrenching torment, as I wake up disappointed in the blue sky?
:::
Still, as you walk away further and further from me, I write to you. I send letters into space and time, hoping that one day, someone will find your new address and forward these postcards to you.
They'd write a little memo on the stack of handmade photos from places we've been, and places we could have been. Stick a pink post-it on the front, and scribble in felt; "She still thinks of you".
If only you knew.
It's only because I don't know how not to.
:::
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Tokyo Adventure
Tokyo Sky Tree at Asakusa |
10:30PM Shibuya Crossing |
Ueno |
rin-rin, or shin-shin? Can't remember. |
I also went back to the high school I attended in my senior year of high school. I didn't realise my classmates still remembered who I was- but they all welcomed me with hugs and high pitched squeals.
Looking back on my exchange, I wish I had treasured the time with them a bit more. Especially with all the academic demands of university, being able to study Japanese on my own and having the leisure of self-study was definitely something I took advantage of. With deadlines, lectures, tutorials and obligations to meet, I have a profound new appreciation for the one year of self-study I was given during my exchange. It's nice being able to coordinate your own study timetable and set goals for yourself.
Although I did not get to blog as much as I wanted to, I did take around 500 photos in the three weeks I was there. Even if it felt silly taking photos of places I've been to- it was refreshing being a tourist in Japan instead of being an exchange student. It meant no curfew, no responsibilities (except for the ones imposed on me by the law faculty back home), and best of all- seeing everyone again for the first time in two years.
Looking back on my exchange and the travels I've been on so far, all that remains are memories. Snippets of the moments that truly made me laugh, the moments that have confused me. The times where I have been truly and genuinely happy, and the times where I realise that there is no where else I'd rather be than the present.
たこ焼き! |
ラーメン |
餃子! |
It's nice to be able to spot the similarities and differences in Tokyo. Sky Tree of course, being the biggest difference in the Tokyo skyline.
I remember how excited the Japanese were for its completion, and despite the tragic earthquake disaster last year, it stands proud and tall today, towering above all the other massive buildings the Tokyo skyline.
I already miss all my friends back there. I want to spend the Japanese summer in Osaka like I did two years ago- even though it may cause unfortunate lapses of heat anger every now and then. After all- there is always the option of going to karaoke to escape the "Osaka sun"... (guess what reference and you'll get a gold star)
Or just go to Yoyogi Park after a long day of trudging around Harajuku, and watch some guy make beautiful patterns with bubbles in the sky while Ralph trudges through his obligatory learn-Keigo book.
seasonal cherries! |
If not for you- I wouldn't have had such a great and amazing vacation in the land of the rising sun.
So despite the lack of sleep, the broken toe, and the ongoing cough I had during my time in Tokyo, I find myself wishing that I could remain there for the rest of the year. Work in the Chiba police station (they're hiring!), or be one of those elevator girls in Kinokuniya book store.
Hopefully I will return at the end of the year for my Japanese internship- that is definitely keeping me going as far as I'm concerned.
All my love always,
April
Friday, July 13, 2012
Climbing Mount Fuji
I remember coming back from Mount Fuji last week extremely tired, sweaty, and relieved. I swear a minute ago I was struggling to get past the 7th station with Angela. It's truly amazing that we both actually survived such a physically demanding two days given our lack of appropriate hiking gear and experience.
Note to anyone who climbs Fuji: Do not even think about doing it in regular running shoes/sneakers. In a matter of minutes, my black leather converse had accumulated so much dust I could etch out a smiley face on the front. Mount Fuji is full of volcanic ash and rock- you'll not only get this all over your clothes, but in your eyes, nose, and ears as well.
"Climbing Mount Fuji" blogs are all over the internet, and although they gave us a vague idea of the weather conditions during the Japanese climbing season (July-August), none of them really addressed the issue of amateur hikers choosing the tallest mountain in Japan as their starting point. Needless to say, I am so glad I managed to climb Mt Fuji given the weather conditions and my unfortunate immune system.
Angela and I left for the 5th Station on Mount Fuji around 9:40AM from Shinjuku. Two and a half hours later, we arrived at the 5th station unpleasantly surprised by how cold it was. I knew immediately I had not brought enough warm clothing. I felt slightly out of breath and started to wheeze due to the change in altitude as well. Clearly skipping out on the gym for the last semester has its disadvantages。
Researching on the internet gave us a vague idea of different 'trails' you could follow. Ideally, given our lack of experience, we wanted to take the easiest trail up to the top of Fuji. But we couldn't actually find the other trails and all the other hikers seemed to follow the Yoshida trail.
In hindsight, complaining about the mini slopes along the 5th station leading up to the 6th station is ridiculous at best. Although the 6th station was long and arduous (and boring, to be honest), we found ourselves most physically challenged at the 7th station.
The 7th station was, in essence, a rock climbing challenge without your mandatory harness and headgear. I found myself utilizing all four limbs throughout the length of the 7th station, which in total took us about a good two or three hours to plow through.
At each mountain hut, Angela and I would sit and rest, eat an onigiri or two.
The Japanese climbers, kitted out with hiking sticks, boots and leggings to match, stormed ahead of us in record time while Angela and I puffed our way through each rest stop.
We considered buying one of these cool walking sticks though. You get to stamp your way through each station until the very top. Upon discovering however, that New Zealand immigration would not allow you to bring any form of wood or bamboo into the country, we decided not to purchase these walking sticks. It's a huge pity, because even the mini walking sticks would have been a cute souvenir to bring home, as opposed to blurry photos and smelly sweaty clothing.
By the time we got to the 8th station, it was already starting to approach nightfall. At this point in time, we were both exhausted and discouraged. Our hut was on the very tip of the 8th station, and the 8th station was a steep, arduous walk. Although there weren't any rocks to climb over, the path itself was rocky and slippery, and the temperature drop was quite hard to adjust to. My silly oxygen can did not exactly help either because I was wheezing so much.
Although it took us another 3 hours of walking, and we were both nodding off in exhaustion, we finally reached our stop at 19:45. It took us a grand total of 8 hours to get to the top, an additional two hours longer than the 'average person' would have done. For any future hikers out there? Do not get the food. Save your 2000yen. Seriously. Nothing special about the food on Fuji. It was quite disheartening to be welcomed onto the 8th station with a measly looking curry.
It was hardly a 'hotel', and there weren't any proper beds either. But judging from the other mountain huts available, this is the standard bedding you would get at the price of 7000yen a night.
My wheezing and coughing did not exactly give the staff at Fuji Hotel a good impression. They tried to get me to step outside, which I strongly objected to at the time since it was freezing outside, and all I had to wear was a parka and a cardigan. Despite being guests at the "Fuji Hotel", we still had to pay 200yen to use the toilets. That amounts to $4.00 just to pee. Expensive pee. Do bring a ton of 100 yen coins with you- they were my saving grace on Mount Fuji. Along with the idea of seeing the sunrise from Japan's highest point.
After a long night, we decided to sleep at around 9pm and get up at 4am to see the sunrise. It was cloudy and extremely foggy, and most hikers decided to stay at the hut to see the sunrise instead of going up to the very top. Given that we hiked at the very start of the hiking season, there was still a ton of snow up at the top, and because it rained during the night, climbing up to the summit would have been extremely dangerous.
The staff at Fuji Hotel recommended staying at the hut to see the sunrise because the view was apparently the same. We were just a few kilometers away from the top anyway, so I did not feel too unhappy about not climbing all the way up to the summit. Not sure if we both wanted to anyway- Angela and I were physically and mentally drained. The thought of hiking up another additional 3 hours (usually it would take 1 1/2 but I'm not convinced we would have made it in that time) was intimidating to say the least.
The sunrise was breathtaking. So even though there were a ton of clouds blocking the view, being up at the tallest point in Japan and experiencing being above cloud level was worth all the sweat and tears.
We begun our descent around 5:30am, and reached the bottom around 11am. Obviously it took us a shorter length of time to hike down, although it was considerably harder in the 7th station. Rock climbing down anything is harder because your balance is compromised.
Needless to say- I definitely impressed many experienced Japanese climbers with my crab walking and sliding methods. One even commented that he had never seen anyone choose to tackle Fuji the way I did. Clearly an understatement had he known the lack of clothing and food I had neglected to bring for my hike. We ate our peaches on the hike down though! Japanese peaches this time of the year is heaven.
It was such a relief to get back to the 5th station by lunchtime. I still couldn't believe that so much had happened in the last 24 hours.
We actually survived Mount Fuji! Looking back now, I am extremely glad I had embarked on this crazy physical challenge now with Angela, rather than during my exchange. Joining a tour would have been a bit difficult considering I would always be lagging behind and begging for a rest stop every 15 minutes or so.
No wonder the Japanese say, "He who climbs Mount Fuji once is a wise man, he who climbs it twice is a fool." As great an experience as Mount Fuji was- I don't think I will be able to climb it again. Altitude sickness was not very fun.
But nothing like a good meal at Ten-ya to celebrate the end of a long hike!
All my love always,
April
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)