school

It’s always something.

There is never a time that some random “authoritative” figure does not confront me here in Japan.

In a day; average is about six times. Maybe even 10; I’ve lost count.

It’s been getting worse lately, and I don’t think I can walk into school without getting my confidence destroyed through the humiliation I have to face everyday.

I don’t understand.
I’m not doing anything wrong, I’m just being me.

And apparently being myself is considered unacceptable in this environment.

I don’t have the patience to keep on smiling, and saying “Yes, I understand”, when I bloody clearly don’t.

I don’t have the patience to pretend that I am loving the Japanese education system and its ridiculously inflexible rules and regulations.

What, however, I really cannot stand, is the fact that I’m treated differently from the students

Not in a good way, mind you, but in this screwed up negative way.

Heck, I’m treated differently to the other exchange kids too.

For example: Japanese schools are absolutely anal freaks about skirt lengths on girls.

Before you go to school each morning, half of the staff that works at my school would be there to “greet” you with a “your skirt is too short; fix it now”, or a “What the heck is wrong with your face this morning? You are a disgrace to the Japanese population.” Something like that.

You would think that if everyone had the same length of skirt (which is above the knee); this would be the norm, no?

But apparently my “principal” thinks that my skirt is so short that I will make her school into a whore house.

Ironically; my school skirt is the longest one I own; and it is just above my knee, like normal.

Sure, I roll it up; but who doesn’t?

Girls at my school have skirts so short that their jerseys hide most of the fabric.

I’m tempted to just tell them to save the money. There really isn’t a use for a skirt if you are going to roll it up that much.

The original length of the skirt though, is rather ridiculous.

It’s longer than a freaking towel.

School rules also say you aren’t allowed to hem this skirt up to a reasonable length that would make walking easy.

Therefore; we roll our skirts up.

I feel like such an idiot. This is a universal school uniform thing.

Nothing new here, right?

Oh, but.

BUT.

Approximately 5 meters away from the school gate, I would then cringe in anticipation to the screechy, accusing voice that could only belong to the lovely school principal whom just needs to get laid in my opinion; singling me out of the crowd of “hey-look-at-my-skirt-wait-you-can’t-really-see-it-can-you” girls.

I will never have the confidence to wear anything that short.

But BLESS THIS PRINCIPAL’S HEART; she HAS to pick on the girl that has a reasonable skirt length just because she’s an exchange student!

Or whatever the reason is; because it better be a good one.

Once; I was walking to school with a friend that had the exact same skirt length as I did.

The woman totally ignored her, despite the fact that she did roll it up too.

She just started tugging, and tugging at my uniform, ordering me to unroll it down.

I know these are the school rules; and I’m not saying that I should be allowed to roll it or whatever.

But don’t single one person out of the crowd when everyone is doing so.

That’s not only unfair; its pathetic and cruel.

I have this theory. It’s really only because I’m Asian.

Japanese people can’t tell that I’m an exchange student.

When I don’t respond like a Japanese student would; they are cold.

It’s been like this since the start of my exchange, and I thought I’d be used to it, but

HI MISTER CULTURE SHOCK; to what do I owe this pleasure of your visit today?

(If not for the whole month of June?)

Another example; Japanese schools have no idea what the meaning of “right of expression” means.

I wear a purity ring, and its one of the most important decisions in my life to date.

It’s not for fashion; heck, I hardly wear rings. 

My fingers aren’t exactly the skinniest, and to find a ring that fits would be a miracle.

However; this is a purity ring.

I wear it not because I can’t remind myself about my decision with the absence of this ring, but I wear it because it’s something that I’m proud of.

According to the Japanese people, this is Japan; therefore, don’t bring your own beliefs and culture into our country.

Heck; don’t even dare wear it on your finger.

I tried to rationalize that this is necessary; it’s for religious purposes; no?

“Japan is not a Christian country. Your country might be a Christian country, so just wear it back home and not in Japan.”

The last time I heard; expression of one’s religion didn’t exactly stop when you travel overseas.

Nor did it stop because you are in a different culture.

The REAL reason, obviously, to your persistent decision to keep on wearing this ring is so that you can make all the other students want to convert to Christianity.

Oh no, no no no, we can’t do that.

You evil exchange student. You evil, evil exchange student.

June has been a fun month to start with.

Heck; it has been such a cool month, no wonder all the shit that hasn’t happened is happening now; in the last week of the month.

Because life sucks; the last week of the month also happens to be the week my welcoming speech is due on.

The shit has totally hit the fan, my people.

It totally has, and it is not coming off.

I heard yesterday that my lovely school wrote a lovely email to my lovely exchange company addressing the LOVELY AND WONDERFUL things about me.

To my even lovelier surprise, my lovely host mom addresses my lovely self, informing me about the lovely news that involves a lovely meeting on the day of my speech.

This meeting would include all the lovely people listed above; except this time, they won’t talk about the LOVELY AND WONDERFUL things about me; because there are none.

The amount of pressure that this puts on me is ridiculous.

How can you expect someone to do well in a speech when you inform them beforehand that there is going to be a meeting about how you are stupid for feeling the way you feel?

How is that normal?

How is that in any way fair?

But then again; I am in Japan.

Nothing is fair here.

I wish there was a way; a way to not conform to the anti-feministic and submissive Japanese housewife mentality.

A method, perhaps, that maybe I will cling on to what’s left of me because no one can change me. I am sure there is one. There can’t be a problem without a solution.

June, oh dear god, why does it have to end on such a sad note?

Two of my friends that I’ve only had the pleasure of spending two months with are going back home soon, and I do not want to say goodbye.

These girls are what have been keeping me sane in this school.

Although that is part of the reason why I am sad to see them go; they are genuinely the nicest people I’ve met so far in my life.

It’s also sad that I probably won’t see them again until goodness knows when.

Goodbye is the saddest, I think, when you are so unsure of the next time you will meet each other again; if ever.

It’s making memories and categorizing them as the past.

It’s looking back, and looking forward to see nothing but their absence.

I’ve noticed that most of the people that you treasure the most are the ones that you say goodbye to in the end.

You treasure them because they aren’t always there; and the possibility of them being by your side all the time is bar none to zero.

Therefore, you hold them as close to you as you can, for when they go, a part of you goes with them too. 

I genuinely thought my situation here in Japan was getting better.

But I guess this is a roller coaster ride, and my time of being at the top has ended;

It’s time to do some growing, and it’s time to somehow manage another unwanted, unnecessary and confusing situation.

So although this week is definitely a down,

I’m hoping it will go up again.

Summer vacation is just around the corner and,

Although I am worried about how much I am entitled to go out,

(and not to mention the two other exchange girls that are going to be staying with me in this already quite small house),

I’m hoping that my host mom will turn over a new leaf.

The idea of freedom to her is so foreign and disgusting; it makes me wonder if its really that disgusting to begin with.

I’m praying that this situation with my school and the company that sent me here will blow over soon; because if it doesn’t, I’m even more screwed than I am now; if that is even slightly possible.

Things cannot get any worse than they do now; and I hope from now on, after my speech is done, things just get better, and better.

Because the ride was fun when it was at the top, and when you are at the bottom, all you can do is wonder how the heck you got there in the first place, when the top was the only place you fought to be at.

All my love always,

April

i've learned to love

We all have opinions.

Some more than others; but we all have them.

No matter whom you are, what race you are, what age you are,

An opinion is an opinion, and it is developed at birth.

Be it good, be it bad, it’s still an opinion.

For example, a good opinion would be that Starbucks frappucino’s are worth every single cent.

A bad one would be that you think Stephenie Meyer is a good author.

Your opinion shows who you are on the inside to a certain extent; but not always.

There are exceptions, and my blog is one of the exceptions.

The reason I started a blog is clearly illustrated in my first ever entry dating

goodness knows how many months ago.

Not only do I want to start a blog so that I can vent my frustration out;

It is also because I want to look back and say “hey, April, look at the loser you were back then, and look at how awesome you are now.”

I want to look back at all the expectations and hopes I have for the future today,

And maybe, just maybe, I can exceed those expectations in the future.

Or perhaps, these expectations would change?

I have no idea; and that is what this blog is for.

It’s not really for anyone else but me.

( and a little bit for my family and friends back home who are concerned about my mental health)

This blog is one of the rare things I am selfish about.

Two constant things I am very selfish about is

My brother and my music.

You are glad I am not selfish about you too much.

My brother is rather unfortunate to have to deal with my selfishness,

And my music isn’t really a physical being, so I’m sure my songs don’t really mind. =]

I hope that I haven’t given the impression that I am not having fun in Japan.

It appears that I have been giving the wrong impression with this blog, and I am disappointed that certain people will just come to a conclusion about my being here so quickly without even knowing who I am in the first place.

But I guess that is the internet, and that is the world of Facebook, and that is the world that we live in now.

The friends I have back home who read this blog understand who I am;

And that is I am a viciously emotionally charged person.

With all my past relationships, with all my past experiences in life;

I’ve had my heart in it all the way.

There is not a time when I don’t give it my very best shot.

Even when my heart is broken, torn to pieces, and all I want to do is be selfish, I give.

I have never stopped giving; because in all reality; it’s what keeps me going.

Knowing that I have the power to bless others with all that I have within me;

That’s enough to keep me going through any rough patch.

It is the reason why I make little gift bags for the girls in my class;

Even though they ignore me half the time.

It is the reason why I cook for my host family, buying the ingredients and all,

Even though I am running short of cash and in desperate need of money for things I want to buy here in Japan,

I don’t.

I choose to give instead.

I am sensitive in all the wrong places.

I get angry easily.

I have the weirdest logic imaginable, and if 1 + 1 was in fact a window, I would agree wholeheartedly despite it really totaling to a mere 2.

I am easily taken advantage of, and I am acutely aware of the moments that I am taken advantage of.

I have many expectations for myself, and I am my worst critic.

I have many flaws, but there is one thing I am very sure of and that is;

There is never a time in my life where I have never given it my all.

Hence; the amount of emotion I am undergoing here in my exchange in Japan.

If I was not putting in all this effort into my exchange here in Japan,

I wouldn’t have so much heart and soul into everything new and foreign that I experience here in Japan.

I’m grateful for all the emotion I am undergoing through here in Japan.

Sure; it has been rough.

Sure; I have been very unfair towards my host family in my previous blogs in certain comments that I’ve made,

But I don’t regret it at all.

I’ve come to realize that regretting is truly one of the biggest things you can do wrong in your life.

It’s mundane and pointless, and truth be told; there is always a reason it happened in the first place.

The entries in my blogs that are ridden with negativity; I am tempted to delete.

But I know that I won’t delete them.

The reason I’m blogging here in Japan? It’s all for memory’s sake.

How can you not want to know how far you’ve come in 5, or even 10 years time?

I want to look back at my blog today, and laugh.

Laugh at my immaturity, laugh at my logic, and just laugh.

I came to Japan for several reasons;

And those of you that know me really well, that know my story, my past, my ups, and my downs; you know why I came to Japan.

Besides learning the language as a native, I had a reason for coming.

Even after 20 years has gone, and I reflect back on my reasons for coming to Japan initially, I would remember the motivation that drove me to be here in Japan; and I will be consumed with regret.

Not because I don’t want to be in Japan, mind you; but because I regret letting that be my motivation for coming to Japan.

However; there is no time for regrets.

I am glad that it was my motivation for my being here in Japan,

For now I can discover Japan in a whole new light.

It’s already the 2^nd of June here in Japan.

I already feel it being a new chapter in my journey here in Japan.

I’ve gotten to love the things I never thought I would love.

I’ve gotten to familiarize myself with the foreign, and therefore; it’s not so foreign anymore.

The countdown to my leaving Japan is starting;

And I am wishing I didn’t have to count down.

For there are so many things about Japan I know I won’t have the opportunity to discover in the duration of the 10 months I am here for.

But there is always a next time; and for now, I will enjoy every day as if it’s my last.

I've become so much closer to the girls in my class;

and going on school trips with them have made me realize that although they are listening to

testosterone deprived males sing about clapping their hands in time,

they have their little quirks about them that make them interesting.

The family which I thought was hostile towards me,

Truly do have a genuine interest in me.

I’ve come to love them, and although I still do not understand the little quirks,

The many rules and restrictions regarding curfew times and internet usage and whatnot,

I’ve learned to turn a blind eye to it.

It took me a good two months; but I’ve made it.

I’m at this stage where I just simply can let go.

Let go, and Let God. 

We all are human after all;

And I’m slowly starting to build a closer relationship with each and every one of them.

I joke with my host dad, and I have cool conversations with my host mom.

I see my host sister in a new light. Sure, she is cute, but she’s more than that.

She has something special in her; and although she’s only 4, and she throws her tantrums when she’s sleepy;

She has the ability to go far in the future.

Not only is she exposed to a fair bit of English every day, but the exposure she’s getting with all these foreigners living in turn each and every year of her life will give her the strength to develop a character so unique, and so strong unlike any other.

The sausage dogs which bark insanely at the wrong times; I’ve also come to love.

I’ve realized that if you just stare them down, they realize that maybe barking isn’t the way to get attention.

I’ve always considered myself a loving and caring person.

However, coming to Japan has put this trait I thought was so strongly instilled in my character to the test.

I’ve failed it in the first two months I’m here;

But I think I’ve conquered it, for now all I can do is love.

I’d loved, I love, and I’ll continue to love.

Learning to truly love; is harder than it seems.

Love is not an abstract noun;

Or whatever the Oxford Dictionary has decided to categorize it under.

Love is a verb. It’s an action.

For if we just ride on the emotions of love; the rush, the thrill; that is not love.

That is fantasy, and we are all living in a Disney film where the “Happily Ever After” ending is not so great if you think hard enough.

Love is when you have nothing left in you; and you surrender.

You accept the good with the bad, and you suck it up.

You are brave, and although your heart aches with pain, you still love.

Through the confusion and the misunderstanding, you still love.

When you don’t know how to love; you just love anyway.

You love for what it’s worth, for that’s all we can really do in the end.

All my love always,

April