the twenties

It's been way too long.

I decided to take a break from publishing content on this blog because after my last post in November last year, I realised that I wasn't getting any better. 

Writing, for once, did not help ease the pain. 

Writing made the heartbreak worse. I acknowledge that even though no one bothers to read my narcissistic word vomit, choosing to publish the crap I've spewed onto the internet made my depression all too real. As a result, I escaped to Malaysia for the whole summer, dodged job opportunities in Japan, and hid inside various fictional worlds. Then I came back 'home' and immersed myself in university. 

It was nice to fool myself into thinking that ceasing my existence on an online platform meant that my depression and anxiety would too, politely excuse itself out of my life and never come back again. 

Not the case. 

But I am getting better. 

This year on my 20th birthday, mum made me a scrapbook. 

As lovely as the present was, it was the first time in my life that I cried on my birthday. 

At the stroke of midnight on the 1st of April, 2013, I was a weeping ball of emotion. 

Looking at pictures of the past and how much has truly changed, I never felt more scared for the future. There are more questions than answers ahead of me and for the first time ever, I find that absolutely frightening. 

I used to be so excited for the future. I didn't mind not knowing. 

I remember not being able to sit still in my airplane seat on the way to my year abroad in Japan. 

I remember being excited for orientation at university. 

For the first day at law school. 

Firsts. 

I guess it hit me  - I'm twenty now. I'm officially in that decade. The twenties.  

This is it. This is the time to experience the world, do new things, meet fantastic and ridiculously attractive people, make lifelong friends, find 'love', or whatever the hell that means. 

This is the time where I've got to sort my shit out. 

I've begun to realise that I've fucked up so bad. 

I've made so many mistakes and I don't know where to start making up for lost time. 

My parents used to tell me that "life is about finding that one person who you can connect with."

Get married after your degree. Buy a house. Have kids. 

And when your heart is broken? 

Somehow people animorph into fishes and there are 'so much more' of them than before.  

Society tells you that you deserve better. Or they are heartbreakingly honest: he never loved you.

Better yet: "you gotta love yourself before you love someone else". 

You know what? Fuck you.

I've had enough. Enough of all the bullcrap and the lies.

I truly hate myself for having bought into all these preconceived ideas about love up until now. 

I should have known better, and surprise surprise, I learned it the hard way. 

I have a ton of friends that are currently in long term relationships, and although I used to envy them, I now feel sorry for them. They haven't changed or grown and  it's obvious that they so desperately want to. 

But the fear of being alone, let alone the prospect of heartbreak, overwhelms their desire for change. 

In a way, I'm grateful. I'm thankful I have this opportunity to discover what 'love' is without having someone drill their 'answers' and 'experiences' into me. 

I shouldn't have  listened to my parents, to the movies, or to society. 

And don't even get me started on dating. 

Don't be too keen, but don't be aloof. Don't reveal how you actually feel. 

Don't text back straight away. Why is that even a thing! Imagine in real life, if people started to only communicate in ten minute lapses. 

Texting is a form of instantaneous communication. Key word being instantaneous. 

Three days rule?? What the actual shit. I can't even.  

Texting will be the death of me - I could write a book about how bloody difficult it actually is. 

Rant aside, I'm glad I'm a blank slate, and that I can start over. 

Love in a literal and rational sense is completely illogical. I admittedly only just realised that this year. 

But then again, I guess that's what makes love so fucking brilliant. 

It's full of contradictions yet everybody, including myself, fight with and more often than not, for it.  

So even though I still find myself in modes of panic as I remember that I don't actually know what the hell I'm doing with my life, I'm just grateful for the opportunity to find out.

Here's to finding lifelong friends.

Here's to finding your place in the world.

Here's to finding what love is.

Here's to the twenties.