not there yet

I couldn't sleep last night. I have had many sleepless nights since the day you left, and undoubtedly the effects of late nights and early dark mornings have taken its toll on me.
It shows on my face, the dark circles telling a story of great heartache and loss.

But last night I couldn't sleep because I realise that as the days grow longer, the summer fast approaching, you are truly no longer mine.
I can't move on- not only because I do not want to, but guilt washes over me if I neglect the thought of you for a second.
I should be fighting for you, for us- the way I did those months ago when I opened up my heart to you again, and again.

Despite knowing deep down that maybe, I deserved better than what you gave, I longed for the friendship and laughs, the warmth and comfort I found with you.
I fought for you relentlessly, overcoming every obstacle and sacrificing everything just to be by your side.

I could not sleep because I've truly never been so bitter.
With every postcard, every email, every letter, every meal, every kiss, hug and every thought, I truly loved, love and will love you.

I could not sleep because I'm mad with you. You never encouraged me- more often than not, you were the reason I was down. And when I needed you the most, you left. You moved on so quickly it kills me everyday to think about it.

I could not sleep because I'm mad with myself. Why do I love so much when there's nothing in return? Nothing other than silence, and photos to remind me how quickly you can move on. Well done- I'll hand you an award someday for Biggest Jerk of the Century.

Years of love ended in mere days of thought- it's heartbreaking knowing how little I mean to you.
If I even mean anything at all?

It's not the start that matters, it's the end- and you were not there for me in the end.
But when I close my eyes- there you are, arms around me- hold me tight.

I couldn't sleep because I know deep down- we were truly something.
That no matter how angry I try to be with you, it's hard to deny it- we were great.
There was a time we proved everyone wrong- long distance does work because love works in miraculous ways. After all, the two people that brought me into this world were bound together by pen and paper 35 years ago.

And most of all- I couldn't sleep because I still miss you. So much.
No matter how many lessons of singledom I take; no matter how many countless number of fishes there are in the sea, I still miss you.

Like a certain quest undertaken by a lonely clown fish in the Great Barrier Reef- there are 7 billion people in this world but my heart aches for the connection I had with you.

I don't want to stop fighting for you.

Maybe it takes time. To not get over you but to get used to the absence of you.

My heart has broken before and I know that even if you lose love you find it again.

But my past experiences are of little comfort and the memory of you leaving plays in my mind every day.

It takes time.

But I'm just not there yet.

we'll be glowing in the dark

my camera sucks. This photo does not do the concert any justice!

I've been a Coldplay fan for most of my teenage years now, and still remain a loyal Chris Martin follower following the days of Yellow and The Scientist. 

Though many of his original fans disagree with the musical direction taken with Mylo Xyloto- I have to strongly disagree. It's a given that Princess of China (featuring the all too popular Rihanna) and Paradise have taken charge as "pop" songs, but other songs on the album; Up in Flames, Don't Let It Break Your Heart, Up With The Birds- to name a few, still maintain that Coldplay quality we all have grown to know and love. 

Yesterday's concert far exceeded my expectations. The only complaint I do have is the duration. It definitely needed to be longer! It seemed like Temper Trap played longer but it's probably because we were too busy "singing" along to Coldplay to realise that a song had actually finished. 

We got to our seats around 5:30pm, and of course Kelly and I resumed photo-taking duties. My disapproving brother and his semi-supportive friend just watched as Kelly and I squealed. The above photo sums up the entire concert. My brother "pretending" to sleep- you can see him stifle a smile in the photo, whilst his friend is... I don't know, having "fun" I guess (who knew people in commerce were capable of that?) 

Admittedly I did most of the squealing. And jumping. And dancing. But I regret nothing! I'm not the type to remain composed or graceful. I dragged Kelly into photos and am guilty of forcing everyone to assume embarrassing Go Go Power Ranger poses. 

our wristbands at night

After months of watching Youtube videos, I can't believe that last night, I finally got the chance to experience Mylo Xyloto live. It was truly a great performance. The lights, the production, but most importantly- the quality of music, never fails to wow me each and every time. It was amazing watching our wristbands light up and flicker against the dark night sky. I am truly so happy they've decided to come to NZ and not abruptly cancel, as most artists tend to do given our inconvenient location and very small population. 

Song, after song, the band performed spectacularly. How does Chris manage to keep up those vocals while running around and jumping up and down, I'll never know. Kelly and I speculate he might be taking performance enhancing drugs. I was tired just climbing up the stairs to our seats. 

But in all seriousness- the band truly looked like they were having FUN up on stage. And that joy does transcend to the crowd. 

It's great Coldplay managed to play most of their old songs as well. I heard that Radiohead only played two Ok Computer songs in their recent concert here in NZ and many original fans were quite disappointed. 

So if you did miss the Coldplay concert last night- it's not the end of the world (yet). Chances are they'll play most of the Mylo Xyloto tracks on their next world tour. 

Already counting down to my next Coldplay concert! Perhaps if I get enough money I can be one of those crazy fangirls that travel around the world with the band. 

Hope everyone is enjoying the end of exams and celebrating under the sun. 

Did I mention the weather yesterday was ridiculously good as well? 

It's like they paid Mother Nature for a cloudless blue sky.

All my love always,

April