the twenties

It's been way too long.

I decided to take a break from publishing content on this blog because after my last post in November last year, I realised that I wasn't getting any better. 

Writing, for once, did not help ease the pain. 

Writing made the heartbreak worse. I acknowledge that even though no one bothers to read my narcissistic word vomit, choosing to publish the crap I've spewed onto the internet made my depression all too real. As a result, I escaped to Malaysia for the whole summer, dodged job opportunities in Japan, and hid inside various fictional worlds. Then I came back 'home' and immersed myself in university. 

It was nice to fool myself into thinking that ceasing my existence on an online platform meant that my depression and anxiety would too, politely excuse itself out of my life and never come back again. 

Not the case. 

But I am getting better. 

This year on my 20th birthday, mum made me a scrapbook. 

As lovely as the present was, it was the first time in my life that I cried on my birthday. 

At the stroke of midnight on the 1st of April, 2013, I was a weeping ball of emotion. 

Looking at pictures of the past and how much has truly changed, I never felt more scared for the future. There are more questions than answers ahead of me and for the first time ever, I find that absolutely frightening. 

I used to be so excited for the future. I didn't mind not knowing. 

I remember not being able to sit still in my airplane seat on the way to my year abroad in Japan. 

I remember being excited for orientation at university. 

For the first day at law school. 

Firsts. 

I guess it hit me  - I'm twenty now. I'm officially in that decade. The twenties.  

This is it. This is the time to experience the world, do new things, meet fantastic and ridiculously attractive people, make lifelong friends, find 'love', or whatever the hell that means. 

This is the time where I've got to sort my shit out. 

I've begun to realise that I've fucked up so bad. 

I've made so many mistakes and I don't know where to start making up for lost time. 

My parents used to tell me that "life is about finding that one person who you can connect with."

Get married after your degree. Buy a house. Have kids. 

And when your heart is broken? 

Somehow people animorph into fishes and there are 'so much more' of them than before.  

Society tells you that you deserve better. Or they are heartbreakingly honest: he never loved you.

Better yet: "you gotta love yourself before you love someone else". 

You know what? Fuck you.

I've had enough. Enough of all the bullcrap and the lies.

I truly hate myself for having bought into all these preconceived ideas about love up until now. 

I should have known better, and surprise surprise, I learned it the hard way. 

I have a ton of friends that are currently in long term relationships, and although I used to envy them, I now feel sorry for them. They haven't changed or grown and  it's obvious that they so desperately want to. 

But the fear of being alone, let alone the prospect of heartbreak, overwhelms their desire for change. 

In a way, I'm grateful. I'm thankful I have this opportunity to discover what 'love' is without having someone drill their 'answers' and 'experiences' into me. 

I shouldn't have  listened to my parents, to the movies, or to society. 

And don't even get me started on dating. 

Don't be too keen, but don't be aloof. Don't reveal how you actually feel. 

Don't text back straight away. Why is that even a thing! Imagine in real life, if people started to only communicate in ten minute lapses. 

Texting is a form of instantaneous communication. Key word being instantaneous. 

Three days rule?? What the actual shit. I can't even.  

Texting will be the death of me - I could write a book about how bloody difficult it actually is. 

Rant aside, I'm glad I'm a blank slate, and that I can start over. 

Love in a literal and rational sense is completely illogical. I admittedly only just realised that this year. 

But then again, I guess that's what makes love so fucking brilliant. 

It's full of contradictions yet everybody, including myself, fight with and more often than not, for it.  

So even though I still find myself in modes of panic as I remember that I don't actually know what the hell I'm doing with my life, I'm just grateful for the opportunity to find out.

Here's to finding lifelong friends.

Here's to finding your place in the world.

Here's to finding what love is.

Here's to the twenties.

not there yet

I couldn't sleep last night. I have had many sleepless nights since the day you left, and undoubtedly the effects of late nights and early dark mornings have taken its toll on me.
It shows on my face, the dark circles telling a story of great heartache and loss.

But last night I couldn't sleep because I realise that as the days grow longer, the summer fast approaching, you are truly no longer mine.
I can't move on- not only because I do not want to, but guilt washes over me if I neglect the thought of you for a second.
I should be fighting for you, for us- the way I did those months ago when I opened up my heart to you again, and again.

Despite knowing deep down that maybe, I deserved better than what you gave, I longed for the friendship and laughs, the warmth and comfort I found with you.
I fought for you relentlessly, overcoming every obstacle and sacrificing everything just to be by your side.

I could not sleep because I've truly never been so bitter.
With every postcard, every email, every letter, every meal, every kiss, hug and every thought, I truly loved, love and will love you.

I could not sleep because I'm mad with you. You never encouraged me- more often than not, you were the reason I was down. And when I needed you the most, you left. You moved on so quickly it kills me everyday to think about it.

I could not sleep because I'm mad with myself. Why do I love so much when there's nothing in return? Nothing other than silence, and photos to remind me how quickly you can move on. Well done- I'll hand you an award someday for Biggest Jerk of the Century.

Years of love ended in mere days of thought- it's heartbreaking knowing how little I mean to you.
If I even mean anything at all?

It's not the start that matters, it's the end- and you were not there for me in the end.
But when I close my eyes- there you are, arms around me- hold me tight.

I couldn't sleep because I know deep down- we were truly something.
That no matter how angry I try to be with you, it's hard to deny it- we were great.
There was a time we proved everyone wrong- long distance does work because love works in miraculous ways. After all, the two people that brought me into this world were bound together by pen and paper 35 years ago.

And most of all- I couldn't sleep because I still miss you. So much.
No matter how many lessons of singledom I take; no matter how many countless number of fishes there are in the sea, I still miss you.

Like a certain quest undertaken by a lonely clown fish in the Great Barrier Reef- there are 7 billion people in this world but my heart aches for the connection I had with you.

I don't want to stop fighting for you.

Maybe it takes time. To not get over you but to get used to the absence of you.

My heart has broken before and I know that even if you lose love you find it again.

But my past experiences are of little comfort and the memory of you leaving plays in my mind every day.

It takes time.

But I'm just not there yet.

we'll be glowing in the dark

my camera sucks. This photo does not do the concert any justice!

I've been a Coldplay fan for most of my teenage years now, and still remain a loyal Chris Martin follower following the days of Yellow and The Scientist. 

Though many of his original fans disagree with the musical direction taken with Mylo Xyloto- I have to strongly disagree. It's a given that Princess of China (featuring the all too popular Rihanna) and Paradise have taken charge as "pop" songs, but other songs on the album; Up in Flames, Don't Let It Break Your Heart, Up With The Birds- to name a few, still maintain that Coldplay quality we all have grown to know and love. 

Yesterday's concert far exceeded my expectations. The only complaint I do have is the duration. It definitely needed to be longer! It seemed like Temper Trap played longer but it's probably because we were too busy "singing" along to Coldplay to realise that a song had actually finished. 

We got to our seats around 5:30pm, and of course Kelly and I resumed photo-taking duties. My disapproving brother and his semi-supportive friend just watched as Kelly and I squealed. The above photo sums up the entire concert. My brother "pretending" to sleep- you can see him stifle a smile in the photo, whilst his friend is... I don't know, having "fun" I guess (who knew people in commerce were capable of that?) 

Admittedly I did most of the squealing. And jumping. And dancing. But I regret nothing! I'm not the type to remain composed or graceful. I dragged Kelly into photos and am guilty of forcing everyone to assume embarrassing Go Go Power Ranger poses. 

our wristbands at night

After months of watching Youtube videos, I can't believe that last night, I finally got the chance to experience Mylo Xyloto live. It was truly a great performance. The lights, the production, but most importantly- the quality of music, never fails to wow me each and every time. It was amazing watching our wristbands light up and flicker against the dark night sky. I am truly so happy they've decided to come to NZ and not abruptly cancel, as most artists tend to do given our inconvenient location and very small population. 

Song, after song, the band performed spectacularly. How does Chris manage to keep up those vocals while running around and jumping up and down, I'll never know. Kelly and I speculate he might be taking performance enhancing drugs. I was tired just climbing up the stairs to our seats. 

But in all seriousness- the band truly looked like they were having FUN up on stage. And that joy does transcend to the crowd. 

It's great Coldplay managed to play most of their old songs as well. I heard that Radiohead only played two Ok Computer songs in their recent concert here in NZ and many original fans were quite disappointed. 

So if you did miss the Coldplay concert last night- it's not the end of the world (yet). Chances are they'll play most of the Mylo Xyloto tracks on their next world tour. 

Already counting down to my next Coldplay concert! Perhaps if I get enough money I can be one of those crazy fangirls that travel around the world with the band. 

Hope everyone is enjoying the end of exams and celebrating under the sun. 

Did I mention the weather yesterday was ridiculously good as well? 

It's like they paid Mother Nature for a cloudless blue sky.

All my love always,

April 

summer is just around the corner

Guess what arrived at the door today...
Truly the highlight of my study break  house arrest so far
I haven't had good New Zealand strawberries since the summer of 2009!
Not to mention the weather is getting warmer and the days are so much longer.

You don't realise how much you miss a proper NZ summer until you experience it.
Hopefully I'll have a lot more to enjoy before I leave on my Malaysia/Singapore/Japan adventure this December...

One exam down, three more to go.
I feel like I've went up Mount Fuji twice in sitting that criminal law exam.
My stamina needs work.

Apologies for the whiny Taylor Swift blog posts as of late. Hopefully I'll learn to internalize my heartbroken thoughts to the point that they eventually fizzle into nothing-ness.

Back to normal blogging very soon!

All my love always,

April

thoughts at midnight

I had a dream the other night.

You, standing alone on the platform where we nearly said goodbye, the streetlights dancing all around us, an orange glow warming the cold winter air. 

I could hear nothing but the sound of my own sobbing, my endless nonsensical bargaining, and the learned helplessness sinking in as I realise that this is really, our last goodbye.

You were not what I wanted. Not really. 

But my love for you was stubborn and I couldn't seem to let you go.

The one thing I know is that I would have done, and I would do anything for you. 

Perhaps the distance destroyed us, but I know one thing for sure is that my love for you was the only thing that held us together for so long. 

And it takes two kinds of love. 

No matter how great one's heart may be. 

In my dream I refused to accept this truth. 

The train bell sounds and I know. It's now or never. 

I jump onto the platform, giving everything away just so I can be with you. 

Some people yearn for success, fame, an accomplished career. 

But all I've ever wanted is to love someone with all my heart, to truly say "I love you" and mean every, single, word.  

You don't help me up the platform. 

You stand there and you watch the horizon. 

Indifferent to the burning platform, indifferent to my efforts to try and love you. 

As I try to embrace you, you push me and walk away. 

My skin burns from the heat of the flames, mocking my stupidity for believing that you actually care.

But still, I run after you, begging for you to turn around and look at me. 

Look at what you're doing to me.

Then, as you drift further and further away, happy to escape our delusional fairy tale, it dawns on me.

You're fine in the fire. 

::::::::

The scary thing about dreams is that though 99% of the time they mean anything, there is a small likelihood that it reflects the future.

And truth be told. 

I had this dream long before I fought for you a second time.

And when I saw you for the last time, cycling up to meet me in the sticky night air, this dream flashed before my eyes like a warning sign.

But love blinded me, and I ignored it. 

I hoped my love for you would forever bind us together. 

I'm still in love with you, but that's okay. I'm not ashamed of how much I loved and love you. 

I know that one day, I'll pull myself out of the fire.

I'll get back on that train, and in due time, I will stop being sorry that this one-sided relationship ended.

And I'll sing these words with profound meaning:

I'm not sorry that I met you.

I'm not sorry that it's over.

I'm not sorry that there's nothing to save.

Just not tonight. 

Disclaimer: 

I'll eventually stop Dear Diary-ing the shit out of this blog.

Eventually.

April 

email etiquette: what not to do.

Despite applying for work visa's and accommodation, my inbox has been quite empty lately.
It's quite sad- I was so used to checking it every day but now?
I don't think it matters all too much if I don't.

Anyway, I just received an email from my manager in Japanese, detailing my monthly income and the accommodation. Maybe it's the lack of practice, or something, but I've never felt more embarrassed to use the internet in my life than I do now.

The following is an accurate (and unfortunate) translated series of emails:

His email:

Hi April,
Global Property will be paying your monthly rent! Not to worry.
Your income will be X amount.
What apartment would you like? Close to Ginza? Or somewhere a bit closer to where I stay?

And my reply went down like this:

Hi,
Will I be paying my own rent?
I think I'd like to stay somewhere close to where I work. Ginza sounds fine.
But if its too expensive, I don't think I'll be able to afford it. 

And I "accidentally" press send.

So I send another email (making even more of a dick of myself) going:

Hi,
Sorry about that. The email just sent by itself! 

I was about to ask in my previous email about the electricity and internet bills.
Are they included in the rent package? 

April 

I proceed to exit my browser.

A minute later, I open up my email again thinking that I'd get a reply.
Because we all know that any any email sent via Gmail will command a reply straight away.

I read his email again.
This time, carefully and slowly.
And then it dawns on me. I am such a dick.

I know I have to send another email to apologise for being temporarily illiterate. But do Japanese people even allow for such petty mistakes?
If I didn't own up however, I'd make even more of a dick of myself (if that's even remotely possible given my inability to make good life decisions thus far) and risk losing any ounce of respect my manager has for me.

So instead of writing up an essay about the law of omissions for my Criminal law revision study, I replay all the infinite combinations of email replies. And now I take my first world problems to the blog.
Let this blog be a reminder to those who send emails to future employers. Do not follow in my footsteps.

Hopefully my third time's a charm.
I'm going to stop sending emails for a while now.

Will probably come up with an appropriate apology email by tomorrow morning.

Lesson for today? Please, please PLEASE read the email you're replying to carefully, slowly, and with excruciating detail. When you think you've understood everything, read it again.
And again.

Because once you hit send, you can never take that email back.

Well, unless you install that Gmail email application that allows you to retrieve emails back even after you've hit send.

Gmail. Helping us all save face, one email at a time.

All my love always,

April

a postcard for you.

When you buy a postcard for someone you love, think carefully and slowly. Should you send a scenic postcard, a picture of your local countryside, mountains in the background and woolly sheep in the fore? Would it speak your mind or hide whats in your heart?

Or maybe, keep your loved one guessing. Send a map, and pretend that what you two have really is that simple. 

Fold once, fold twice, and I'm right next to you in your arms. 

Or, be less abstract and get personal. That picture we took last Christmas under the lights. The blue, red, and white flickering over your skin and onto mine. I'll print it out and write on the back; I. Miss. You. 

And the date of course, a congratulatory stamp of how far we've made it since the day we met. 

A date to show how far we've still yet to go. 

:::

When I buy you a postcard, I think carefully and slowly. What do I write? What can I write? Words are just words and they'll never bring you closer to me. As your inbox fills up with my love, mine is empty with memories of what used to be. Instead of counting down the days left to see you, I'm counting up from the day you left. As the number hits the dreaded 365, the halfway mark of what should be our long distance love anniversary is instead a year of words spoken but never heard. 

As I watch your life move on from mine, no longer pictures of you and I but you and someone else, I close my eyes and write you. Cards to you from last Christmas, last Valentines, last Summer. Let's go through the worn photos, their familiar smiles- 

repeat.

:::

I write of the past- the reality and my expectations blurring together into one sepia mess. I'm comforted in the postcards, and I write you still. I'm letting you know all the love I feel for you, and how you'd never realise how much love you're losing. 

Is there a word for the moment you find out you've been replaced? Replaced by more physical and present things than a postage stamp kissed with love from the bottom of the world.

Is there a way I can describe this gut-wrenching torment, as I wake up disappointed in the blue sky? 

:::

Still, as you walk away further and further from me, I write to you. I send letters into space and time, hoping that one day, someone will find your new address and forward these postcards to you. 

They'd write a little memo on the stack of handmade photos from places we've been, and places we could have been. Stick a pink post-it on the front, and scribble in felt; "She still thinks of you". 

If only you knew.

It's only because I don't know how not to.

:::