not there yet

I couldn't sleep last night. I have had many sleepless nights since the day you left, and undoubtedly the effects of late nights and early dark mornings have taken its toll on me.
It shows on my face, the dark circles telling a story of great heartache and loss.

But last night I couldn't sleep because I realise that as the days grow longer, the summer fast approaching, you are truly no longer mine.
I can't move on- not only because I do not want to, but guilt washes over me if I neglect the thought of you for a second.
I should be fighting for you, for us- the way I did those months ago when I opened up my heart to you again, and again.

Despite knowing deep down that maybe, I deserved better than what you gave, I longed for the friendship and laughs, the warmth and comfort I found with you.
I fought for you relentlessly, overcoming every obstacle and sacrificing everything just to be by your side.

I could not sleep because I've truly never been so bitter.
With every postcard, every email, every letter, every meal, every kiss, hug and every thought, I truly loved, love and will love you.

I could not sleep because I'm mad with you. You never encouraged me- more often than not, you were the reason I was down. And when I needed you the most, you left. You moved on so quickly it kills me everyday to think about it.

I could not sleep because I'm mad with myself. Why do I love so much when there's nothing in return? Nothing other than silence, and photos to remind me how quickly you can move on. Well done- I'll hand you an award someday for Biggest Jerk of the Century.

Years of love ended in mere days of thought- it's heartbreaking knowing how little I mean to you.
If I even mean anything at all?

It's not the start that matters, it's the end- and you were not there for me in the end.
But when I close my eyes- there you are, arms around me- hold me tight.

I couldn't sleep because I know deep down- we were truly something.
That no matter how angry I try to be with you, it's hard to deny it- we were great.
There was a time we proved everyone wrong- long distance does work because love works in miraculous ways. After all, the two people that brought me into this world were bound together by pen and paper 35 years ago.

And most of all- I couldn't sleep because I still miss you. So much.
No matter how many lessons of singledom I take; no matter how many countless number of fishes there are in the sea, I still miss you.

Like a certain quest undertaken by a lonely clown fish in the Great Barrier Reef- there are 7 billion people in this world but my heart aches for the connection I had with you.

I don't want to stop fighting for you.

Maybe it takes time. To not get over you but to get used to the absence of you.

My heart has broken before and I know that even if you lose love you find it again.

But my past experiences are of little comfort and the memory of you leaving plays in my mind every day.

It takes time.

But I'm just not there yet.