not a floozy, but an idiot.

I have two weeks till I become an official university student.
I have not enrolled in my courses, and I have yet to pick a third subject to study in my BA.
Choosing what to study in your first year is so challenging, because there are too many things to pick from.
So just to be clear.
You pick three subjects, and within each of those subjects, you are expected to pick two courses.
This will then add up to six courses.
Within your entire first year of university, you are expected to take eight courses.
The remaining two being electives/general education papers.
...miiiiinnnndddfffffuuucccckkkk.

I am so screwed.

It has also come to Wikipedia's attention that I am officially the new definition of 'Idiot'

I finally have this realization that maybe, just maybe, I should have studied Biology, or Economics in high school.
The lack of confidence I had in myself to pursue any Science, Math, or Finance topics in my 4 years of high school, with my even more obvious and unfortunate lack of logic, all led to the decision to study English based topics.

I am also entering university on a Discretionary Entrance.
I didn't sit for Level 3 NCEA, and am entering with my Level 2 credits attained in the year before I left for my adventure in Japan.
My results are good enough for me to enroll into university, but despite my whopping total (and quite unbelievable I might just add) of 75 Excellence credits, (the maximum being 80 credits), the university is and always have been strict about discretionary entrance candidates.
Therefore, conjoint degrees, Law, or Science degrees are not allowed.

I can study the papers for Law or Economics if I wanted to, sure, and change my degree halfway through the year if my results are top notch, but let's face it; first year of uni, back in New Zealand for less than a month...will I really adjust to the uni lifestyle in such a short amount of time?
For the time being, I don't think I have any other choice but to have no social life and bond with the bookshelves and desk of the library.
Not to mention the free wifi in the Owen Glen Building.
I'd be one of those painfully awkward kids in the corner of a massive lecture hall, scribbling furiously on a pad of refill, and answering all the questions that the lecturer asks.
Or.
I'd be the bum-out and just give up.

I'm really worried about my future.
Maybe I'm letting what others think affect me once again.
Old habits truly die hard, and despite my year in Japan, I do still take what others think and say into account.
A thought that has been circling my head for the past week.
"I've only opened up one tiny window in the attic of my career because of my decision to study Arts...
Teaching."

Quite a few of my friends (if not all) have already given me feedback that they genuinely think I'm going to end up being a teacher.
I don't look down on the profession at all; because I feel that teachers play a major role in everyone's lives.
A teacher can make or break it for you, really.
Have a crap teacher for your favorite subject at school, and you might just end up hating it.
On the opposite side of the spectrum though, I have never really considered History an interesting topic.
However, after studying History for three consecutive years at high school under the same teacher, I can honestly say that I love History.
(despite my recent lack of knowledge in the Russian Revolution)


I just never ever wanted to be a teacher.
I taught at my mom's Kumon centre for 4 years teaching little kids math and english, and needless to say tutoring little snotty kids is an experience that one does not need to have in one's lifetime.
You have to be painfully patient at all times, and answer the most ridiculous questions, and besides.
I don't really like kids at the moment.
Following scary sausage-loving host mom's even scarier daughter's frequent outbursts every night; I have developed a genuine concern about my future obligation to have children.

It breaks my heart that the one thing I never thought the BA I've chosen to do would probably most likely lead me to doing would be teaching.

Vet, doctor, musician, writer...
Those were the things I've aspired to be in the past but have always settled on being a writer because of my love for bullshitting about things that apparently matter in this world.

I want to write, and can't imagine doing anything but.
Problem being is that I've probably limited my options to writing for magazines like Cosmopolitan, or Woman's Weekly.
Heck; I'd be lucky to get a job at a magazine company like that.
Katy Perry and her recent guest starring on How I Met Your Mother, or perhaps Christina Aguilera's recent f*ck-up on the national anthem gone viral via trusty youtube would be the only things I'd write about.

Perhaps a simple job writing for tiny heralds and newspapers within the North Shore.
I think everyone would aim to write for something that would contribute to the greater cause.
Working for a magazine that perhaps would target environmental issues, health issues, or challenge the public to address their country's issues at hand would be a dream come true for me.
Writing for something that matters.

Why would any respectable magazine firm want to hire someone with a degree in English as opposed to someone that has majored in Law?
Or even commerce? Finance?
Just the reality of it all has dawned on me, and I'm gradually, actually no, that's a lie, rapidly panicking about the rest of my life.
I need to relax somehow.
Waffles, I think, are my calling.

Not exactly ideal to type out all my trivial insecurities and ramblings on what was such a happy blog site, but maybe the excitement to start my classes just hasn't kicked in quite yet.
The mere thought of never fulfilling my full potential is currently doing a very good job of squishing down any remaining positive thoughts I may have within me.

Or perhaps.

I'm completely talking out of my ass here.

Lets hope its the ass ;) , and that I'm psyching myself out for no reason other than I'm just a neurotic wreck.

All my love always,

April