dreams

I always dream of falling.

Scientifically, this just means your poor sub-conscious brain

is too damn exhausted to remember to send a little signal to your organs that

you need oxygen to live, and breathing helps you live. 

Your brain then goes into panic mode,
stirring up emotions and images that will manipulate the sensation of falling into nowhere,
and never touching the ground.
You would then wake up gasping in fear,
at the same time filling those oxygen deprived lungs of air.

I never dream of flying.

Scientifically, it doesn't really mean anything.

To be honest, I don't think dreams are meant to be scientific at all.

When we think of flying, its hard not to think freedom.
Flying is liberating. It's like finally getting out of the chaos, and just floating above the clouds.
Your problems that seem bigger than Everest itself,
seem so small and insignificant when you rise above it.

When I dream, I wake up feeling confused and unhappy,
and obviously it reflects on how I feel right now.
I even have the same dreams several times over.

Lately, I've been having a dream I'd be running.
Running for my life, running like I physically can't run in real life.
Then, I'd stop. My body becomes permanently disable, and I fall to the floor,
while everyone steps all over, and walks over me, as if I'm part of the ground itself.
And whenever I'd try and call for help, no one would listen.
No one would bother, even when I cried and yelled, and screamed for some empathy.

Maybe this has got to do with the way I feel right now.
People look at me different.
Heck, they treat me different.
I've been regularly decimated by the male Japanese population,
and as a result, I am always slightly late for school because I want to take the girls only carriage on the train to school to avoid getting my ass fondled a third time by some random hormone-crazed 30 year old business man.

I also have been bashed twice in the face with an umbrella on the bus recently.
Some stuff happened, and I was crying rather hysterically on the bus.
Apparently in Japan, crying on buses is strictly prohibited and also an offense?
This is totally foreign and alien to me.
I don't think this would happen in New Zealand.
If anywhere else, to be honest.
If anything, someone would come up to me and ask if I was doing alright,
as opposed to bashing me in the face with an umbrella and telling me to keep it quiet.
And when I cried even more the first time he hit me,
he hit me again.

Do people really have that little compassion?
We're all human, no? =/
Maybe he was drunk, or was doing drugs- I dont know.

I feel like I am getting stepped on.
My dreams are turning into reality,
and I'm running, desperately trying to escape this horrible feeling,
but it ends up overwhelming me and eating me alive.
My worst fears for my coming to Japan have all come true. 

I've had bad days,
but I've also had good days.


The best day I've had so far,
has been outside of school.
It was the day I went to go find a church,
and I've never felt more welcomed.

Maybe, this church is the reason why I'm in Japan.
After church, I went to Minato-Mirai with a couple of friends I met at church.
I've made quite a few friends at church, and they are all in their late twenties.
There are hardly any girls or guys my age in the church.
The people that are closest to my age are all in university, or have already started to work.
This tells me a heck of a lot about the culture here in Japan too.
When its a Sunday, you usually don't go to church,
and you don't usually go out if you are in high school.

All the restrictions that the Japanese high schools put on these kids
make them very... unaware, I think, of who they are as a person.
They don't have opinions about anything, and they all have the same interests.
Heck, they even speak the same.
I feel like telling them that kawaii is seriously not the only adjective to describe everything.
Using it in awkward situations is not exactly ideal.
The word "indie" doesn't even exist in Japanese vocabulary, and the genre certainly doesn't exist in its music either...
I find that so hard to believe and accept.

As opposed to finding their own solid ground when they are 15 or 16, like we would do in New Zealand, (I think...?)
Kids here only start to get to know themselves better and let loose when they are 21, or starting university.
We have a huge privilege in New Zealand, and anywhere else in the world, because we are given the freedom to discover ourselves.
We don't have to conform to a certain idea,
and we certainly don't have to do anything we don't want to do.

On a brighter and happier note: 

I've found a part of Japan that I love,

and it reminds me of Auckland.

Minato Mirai is kinda like,

Singapore and Auckland having a baby together.

It has Auckland city's scenic beauty,
but I have to admit it isn't as beautiful.
Auckland has natural beauty, and without buildings, lights, and nice department stores,
it will still look breath taking.
However, Yokohama is rather man made.
Sure it has a beautiful ocean, and an amazing atmosphere in general,
its beauty lies in the romantic lights at night, the architecture, and the layout of the city.
The shopping in Yokohama is also better than any commercial place in Japan that I've been to so far.
Harajuku and Akihabara? Not really that great. =/
Crowded, and full of weirdos.

I've also found out that Yokohama has the coolest places to visit.
It's not too crowded, and I love the way the buildings are laid out around town.
I've only been to Minato Mirai, and I've yet to visit Chinatown,
but I've found a Snoopy and Disney store RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER in a mall that reminds me of Paragon in KL, Malaysia.

I have to tell myself that as each day of the week passes by,
it gets closer to a Sunday.
I don't get the privilege of looking forward to a Friday.
I have school on Saturday.
This makes me seriously appreciate church in a whole new light,
for I view going to church as a privilege now,
as opposed to something I've done, and enjoyed doing since I was little.
Now, going to church is like having that first bite of Oreo Cheesecake.
...
I've lost it. I'm comparing church to food?
> < . Feel free to mock me, its fine. :)

I want to fly,
and rise above this situation right now.
A new perspective and an understanding of why I am here,
in this crazy, emotion deprived land.
A new appreciation for the other things that Tokyo has to offer.
A fresh, new start, where I am already aware of what is going to happen,
so I don't stumble and fall like I am doing right now.



I think I'll get stronger though.
As I settle into this new church, make more friends,
and find a different part of Japan that I can relate to, and have genuine appreciation for,
I think, I'll be stronger.

So maybe my dreams will also get better,
and the day when I dream of flying,
I'll know that I've conquered this crazy emotion,
and perhaps grown to be a more positive person too.

Life is not so bad.
Sure, I'm going through a tough time right now,
but it's only been two weeks since I've been here in Japan.
I can have it much, much worse.
That man that hit me could have tried to do something even more drastic.
My school could have made me shave my head.
I don't know.

So until next time,
I'll keep on trusting that I am here to become great at Japanese.
Learning Japanese will get me further than I can possibly imagine, I'm sure.
Two years ago when I came, I did not see visualize myself living in Japan.
When everything comes to past, things make sense.

Nothing makes sense now,
but maybe if they come to past, they will.
And when that time comes, I'll rejoice and be very glad,
and feel slightly embarrassed for how I am feeling right now.

I came here to learn Japanese,
and that was the only reason why I came here.
However, now that I'm in Japan,
I know for a fact that I'm here not just to learn Japanese.
To make friends?
To learn the culture?
To buy more Snoopy merchandise?
I don't know.

So,
I'm going to stay here as long as it takes to find out why.

All my love always,
April

It's Hard.

It's hard not to be angry.
I'm lonely here in Japan, and I don't think I really have anyone to talk to,
rely on, or have a nice cup of coffee with.

The friends I've made in my class are really cute,
although we have completely different interests.
They are very surprised I don't listen to Japanese pop groups,
and I had to explain that I don't like listening to pop.
This shocked them greatly, the poor things.
We don't relate the same way I do with my friends in New Zealand.
We can't talk about serious or personal things.
It's always about the Japanese pop culture, and Disneyland.

It's hard not to be frustrated.
In New Zealand, I am so used to being treated like a lady.
Here in Japan, things are a bit whack.

I have to open doors for the Japanese business men.
They don't offer their seat for me on the train.
I can be carrying my bag, my blazer, an umbrella, and obviously struggling greatly with my things,
but all they will do is stare, and not even offer any help.
I have to let them go ahead of me on the bus,
they don't let me go ahead.
I'm also a student,
A young student.
And here is a middle aged man, pushing ahead of a teenager.
DUDE. You seriously won't get laid with that attitude.
And if you do, its purely out of pity.
Tsk. Men. =/

It's hard not to be confused.
School is different,
the rules are again, very whack,
and the teachers are totally paranoid.

Thanks to my unfortunate looking black hair,
I apparently look very "Japanese."
The principal doesn't acknowledge me as an exchange student,
and as result, many teachers have told me off for behaving "weirdly".
I've been told off for many countless things.
Skirt = Too Short.
Hair = Looks like hentai (porn)
Face = No makeup, because you'd look like a porn star.
The comparisons they make to try and convince me not to wear makeup to school and dye my whole head a shocking bright red are just making me want to violate the rules even more.
But I know I can't.
If I do, I'll get sent back and my record will be completely stained.
Blah.
I'm so chicken shit its funny.

OH.
Crossing your legs in Japan is considered manly?
The teacher actually smacked my leg a few times to tell me to stop crossing them.
It's purely out of habit though, I hate sitting without crossing my legs.
I also got told off for hugging my bag on my lap.
Oh, did I mention that it's a total violation of the law to put a bottle of water atop your desk?
Yeah. =/

It's hard not to argue.
The relationship between a teacher and a student is very awkward.

Today I tried compromising about my textbooks to a teacher.
She just blinked and told me I wouldn't be able to keep up with the ordinary textbooks because I'm a foreigner,
and to learn as a native is hard.
Duh, its hard,
but at least give me a chance to try?
Honestly, civilization wouldn't be advancing at the rate it is if you prevent everyone from trying.
It's your mistakes that you make, and the outcome that you extract out of it that truly defines who you are anyway.
Her challenging me like that just makes me want to prove her wrong.

It surprises me that she automatically assumes I'm not a bright person.
How can you judge someone so quickly?
Teachers are meant to educate the future generation,
and allow them to develop an opinion for themselves.
They're not meant to be so close minded about growth. 

It's hard not to question.
Why am I even here?
I came for several reasons,
but I think my initial motivation is longer existant...
It existed, but shit happens,
and now, I'm in this place, with literally nothing to hold on to.
My worst fears had come true.

Which makes me really sad, and even more confused.

Sigh.
I am trying to be positive.
I really am.
"YOU ARE IN TOKYO! BE HAPPY!!"
Uh, yes I am in Tokyo.
Thanks for noticing.
I thought you'd never realized!
Perhaps I am thinking of home too much,
and I keep comparing and contrasting.
My opinions and beliefs keep getting in the way of my accepting of the Japanese culture.

It's only been a week and a bit,
and for some reason, I'm already wanting to go home.
I'm planning what to bring home,
what to buy for everyone,
and how I can bring all my stuff back on the plane.
Homesick much?

I hate crying.
It makes my eyes puffy,
and I hiccup really badly after.
I also can't breathe,
I get a blocked nose.
I don't feel better, I just feel like a dick for crying in the first place.
When I think "okay, you are done crying",
someone comes along and sees me face,
and asks if I'm doing alright.
And then my body magically produces another huge gallon of tears,
and I cry it all out yet again.

I came here two years ago.
I loved it.
I wanted to live here.
I met amazing people, and I had amazing company.
Many memories were made,
and hardly any tears were shed during that 3 week trip.

It's different now.
It's hard now.
Maybe I'll find that one place where I fit in.
Maybe I'll find other people that aren't old exchange students to relate to.
Maybe I'll get that one person or person(s) that will be my best friend while I'm in Japan.

It's hard,
but maybe it'll get easier.

All my love always,
April

culture shock

Culture Shock.
I never thought it existed.
Or perhaps I was just ignorant.

I thought that if your open minded to everything, you shouldn't have a problem adjusting to a different culture.
Unless you have zero opinions about anything in life,
then of course you're going to have zero problems adjusting to things,
because you wouldn't have an opinion about change.

However, I am the most opinionated person I know.
I have an opinion about everything, and it's mostly negative opinions too. (unfortunately)
After many events in my life, this is who I've become,
and I don't like it one bit.
I'm trying to change,
but each time I try,
a day like THIS happens.

I wish with all my heart I can say I enjoy every single day without a single worry in my mind.
I wish I can be all happy and worry free because HELLO, I'm in JAPAN, whats not to like?
I think Japan has been blown up by the media to be this place where you can escape to,
but I think otherwise.
Japan is a nice place to visit,
but to live in, and to actually follow the rules and live as a Japanese citizen?
...no.

If you've lived in a white-dominated country prior living in Japan, or any Asian country really,
Warning: You're going to struggle.
I'm Asian, heck I'm Malaysian, and I'm struggling with the Japanese culture.
I thought that because of the common Asian-ness that both cultures share, we'd be fine.
Boy, was I wrong.

Today was my first day of school,
and it was on a Saturday.
I struggled with the thought of only having a one-day weekend.

I get up at 5AM everyday to travel via public transportation for 1 1/2 - 2 hours.
That's okay, its Japan, everyone travels by train.

I fell asleep on the bus, got off the wrong stop, and the bus driver didn't bother to tell me despite the fact he knew which stop I was getting off originally.
That's not okay, that's kinda ratch, but I'll get used to it.

My purity ring was considered jewellery, and even though I explained that it was purely religious and not for show, it was still confiscated.
That's kinda stupid, and I am worried about my ring.

My camera magically evaporated into the Japanese polluted air.
That's also not okay, I freaking love that camera.

My school principal called my host mom to tell her that my hair needs to look more Japanese. I am going to a hair salon tomorrow and dyeing it black, and having it straightened.
Are. You. Kidding. Me.

I was supposed to go to church tomorrow and have lunch with a friend, chill out, have the day all to myself.
No, I'm going to a hair dresser instead to look like everyone else at school.

I'm in a classroom full of 15 year olds, who really love the thought of having foreign boyfriends.
They are all looking forward to watch the movie "MY DARLING IS A FOREIGNER".
I seriously can't understand what's the obsession with having a boyfriend that's not your own race.

Right now, I'm struggling because a lot of little things have added up into one huge, huge thing.
After a lot of tears, and a lot of comfort from a little four year old girl,
I've looked on the bright side of things.

Sure, they're stripping away my individuality,
and sure, I cannot stand to be in a classroom full of screaming 15 year old girls,
but maybe it's time I learn how to relate to the younger generation.
I've always struggled to relate to younger girls,
and I get along better with older people.
Maybe its time I learnt,
and maybe its time I adjusted and understand the meaning of what is takes to be open minded.
I know for a fact that straight hair on me looks stupid,
so I'm not going to try and make a positive outcome of that one.

I guess everyone has their rough days..
But I seem to be getting them every day.
I think the first stage in a new country is always difficult,
but I never knew it was THIS difficult.

I come from a place where freedom is a right, not a privilege
To live in a country where freedom is a privilege and not a right,
and when expressing oneself is considered a huge no no?
I struggle with that greatly.
I struggle, and I'm continuing to struggle.

On the bright side,
I fit into my tiny Japanese uniform
Or maybe they just gave me a bigger size.
But whatever, I'm just glad it fits.

All my love always,
April

I'm an Alien.

I told myself that this wouldn’t be a rant-y blog but it’s been five days in Tokyo and I seriously cannot help but express myself before I forget how to.

Bear with me.

I don’t have a good reason as to why you should, but me telling you to should be reason enough.

I couldn’t care less if you’re the hugest social butterfly in the universe, but when you meet someone for the first time, it’s usually awkward.

It’s awkward not because you don’t talk a lot to one another, but purely because you have no idea of the intentions that the person has towards you.

Friendships, hook-ups, one night stands, potential girlfriend, marriage… The list just goes on, and on really.

Ha. Do you like it how I put meaningless sex in front of romance?

Needless to say, sometimes it isn’t awkward, and you had this intense Disney Lion King connection with the person you’re talking to.

Sometimes you just click, and you can instantly connect on the most pointless topic that may arise in the conversation.

For most normal 13-15 year old teenage girls nowadays, it’s Twilight and Justin freaking Bieber.

For most Japanese teenage girls nowadays, it is really their need to involve themselves with a white guy even though he is absolutely downright disgusting, listens to the mainstream Pop, and doesn’t really have an opinion about anything but himself. 

He is the only “kakkoui” thing to ever grace our planet and save us from the overwhelming population of the single Japanese men. Really.

Kakkoui means “cool”, by the way, in case you didn’t get that. 

My laptop is currently rejecting the Japanese wireless internet system with gusto, and therefore I have to obviously use the cord downstairs to get internet. It somehow doesn’t prevent calls from coming into the house, which I don’t really understand, but it works downstairs and not upstairs.

God just doesn’t want me to be in my room and on YouTube or Facebook.

By alienating myself from English, I seriously will have to learn Japanese and have somewhat of a connection to someone or I’ll die.

To be honest, I’m starting to find it challenging to express myself in English. Japanese grammar structure has eff’ed me over, and I am using the weirdest and most unnecessary ways to express myself.

I know why they call it an “alien registration” now, because damn, when you’re in Japan, you will feel like you belong to no damn country in this world.

My homestay family genuinely didn’t sign up for this program for a live in babysitter, dogsitter or an English tutor.

*cue shocked faces*

They want me simply because they “fell in love” with my letter to them in my application form.

That, truly is a blessing from above.

And I’m saying this from meeting them for only tonight.

They truly want me to be part of the family. I know for a fact that I most likely can’t contribute financially or give them anything remotely important back, but they are giving me so much more than I expected.

The photos I attached to my blog are simply a sneak peek of the ones I have vomited onto Facebook in the latest photo album(s).

Need I say more? The room is a freaking shrine to my nickname at school - apple.

Not only that, get at this. My homestay mom MADE all the decorations in the room!

She’s some sort of great creative insanely talented woman that can do lots of things with her hands.

(do NOT give me dick jokes, I will slap you)

She’s so good at hand crafts and just making anything out of everything.

It’s amazing, and she gave me a great first impression. 

She wants to have unicef babies and go around the world to help people in poverty.

What kind of Japanese wife would have such an amazing dream?

It’s inspiring.

The dad comes home at 7, and is very much in love with his wife.

It’s sickening sometimes, because their house kinda doesn’t have much barrier between the kitchen, dining room, and living room, so you can hear, and see everything.

The baby makes me take showers with her. She clings to me. Literally clings. She likes to hug my waist, my legs, my arms, my everything really.

She’s totally adorable though, and she thinks I’m amazing because I can make jokes in Japanese and sing the Doraemon theme song.

Ah, I love Japanese kids.

 

Do I have problems with the Japanese culture?

Of course I do.

Can I adjust?

I’m trying.

I’m seriously trying, and giving it a go. Being positive is a huge challenge for me, so I am trying so hard to be positive towards public transportation and the intense staring when I’m in public.

My homestay mom felt the need to tell me each and every time that someone was talking about me in the mall we went to today.

Apparently, according to the lady who sold me some socks, I look like a Japanese but don’t act like one or have a Japanese accent.

Although, she did say that my Japanese was surprisingly great for a foreigner.

CAN I HEAR A WOOT WOOT?!

Haha.. Man, I should calm down.

 Obviously a lack of blogging has caused me to verbally vomit all my emotion on the internet.

Sorry, internet. I love you so much you have no idea.

I’m an alien in this country.

I find it hard to connect with some of the Japanese girls because ohmygosh, do you SERIOUSLY have no opinion about anything?

The maturity they have is literally non existent, and they think on the most naive level one can possibly handle.

As I pointed out earlier, most of them worship the feet of white men, and yeah, to be frank with you, I don’t worship anyone’s feet.

So far, I’ve only had decent conversations with the students that have lived in America for a couple of years.

They seem to hate the Japanese culture after they’ve lived in America.

I hope I appreciate mine more as opposed to hating it more.

I hope, and I’ll continue to hope.

I’m an alien because I don’t know what is going on in the media.

Is someone dying? Has someone died?

Is America going up in flames?

You know what’s even more disgusting? Alice in Wonderland isn’t even out in Japan yet.

We complain in New Zealand that movies come to our country slow?

Stop all your whiny complaints! You have no idea how late some of the movies here are being shown in theatres.

Hannah Montana the Movie hasn’t even graced Disney Channel Japan.

Disney Channel Japan is so out of date to the extent that it still broadcasts Lizzie McGuire.

…yes, I am comparing the media in Japan by my constant exposure to Disney Channel.

I’m an alien because I know that I’ll make strong friendships here, but they will be left alone once I go back to New Zealand.

Then again, what’s going to happen to my friendships in New Zealand?

I feel like I’m going to be forgotten.

I hate this feeling, and I just want to belong.

Aliens.

No wonder so many movies are made about them.

They’re all pretty much depressed creatures with no sense of belonging to anything. 

This is my homesickness talking, so ignore me.

I’m truly happy with what I have right now,

And I’m taking all the goodness in.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m so grateful for this opportunity.

It’s just.. when you have too much of a great thing, you miss what you used to know.

All my love always,

April

lets re-write the Sound Of Music.

I was 16, 

Now I'm 17,

I'm not that naiive,

Fellows I meet 

May tell me I'm sweet,

and willingly I will leave.

I was 16,

Now I'm 17, 

Not as innocent as I want to be.

Bachelor dandies,

drinkers of brandies,

I know too much of these.

Totally well prepared am I,

to face a world of douchebags,

(that didn't rhyme but oh well...)

Timid, shy, and scared am I,

to go to a country on my own...

I want someone,

Older and wiser,

Being a good friend to me,

If you are 17, going on 18,

I'll depend on you...

That was a rather terrible attempt, wasn't it?
Hey, its the effort that counts.
Putting that aside,
I think this is one of the most emotional birthdays I've ever experienced.
Lots of tears were shed, that's for sure..

My friends are just simply so amazing though.
The lifegroup girlies threw me an AH-MAZE-ING party, and

I am going to miss Albany City Church so much,

it scares me.

My friends at school got me the most amazing presents!
I didn't expect them to actually get me anything,
so this was one of the most thoughtful presents I've ever received.
Thank you, so much.
A signed teddy bear and a scrapbook of memories?
Who needs flowers and chocolates. =p

It has just sunk in.
I'm really going.
For a whole year!
Can I just please be excited?
Why am I not excited?!
This is not normal.
I am just as bad as those Japanese people that get married to pillows.
I am by far, the most ungrateful being that has ever existed.

This blog is going to be considerably shorter than my previous blogs.
Not because I have nothing to say,
but because I don't know how to say what it's my heart right now.
It is the most mixed up emotion I've felt since
I found out that mascara and eyeliner are tested on baby rabbits.

I am so unwilling to leave my friends and family behind..
Most of all, I just hate saying goodbye.
In another 365 days, I'm going to have to say goodbye to Japan as well.
Well,
That should be fun.

Hopefully the next time I'll blog,
I'll be sitting in my own room, in my homestay's house.
I'll have two sausage doggies at my feet,
and an adorable two year old Japanese girl to sing the doraemon theme song for me to hear :)
hopefully.

All my love always,
April

tick. tock.

I love clocks.

If you've ever been into my room,
you would know that I love clocks.

You would also find it difficult to relax because of the "annoying" ticking noises.

I have three clocks in my room,
and unfortunately, they don't tick at the same time.

If you listen closely enough,
it kinda mimics the rhythm of Sugar We're Going Down by Fall Out Boy.
...kinda. :)

The first clock is a clock I bought from Ikea.
It looks like a hanger, but its just more awesome.
This is the clock I wanted the most out of the three I have because it looked like a hanger.
A pink, fat hanger.
What's not to like? :)
 

The second clock is a little alarm clock.
I bought it at a Japanese store in Malaysia.
It is tiny and it can fit in my palm.
It is also pink, but one may call it "light baby pink"
It looks like a bell. It has cute font, and I am fond of it. :)

The third clock is a present from my mom.
I think it is also from Asia.
There's nothing cool to say about it really.
It usually breaks down, and it can't seem to do anything but take up space.
It doesnt even deserve a photo.

I totally understand if you're bored already.
Clocks are not that fascinating. I know.
It just has a heck of a lot to do with the reality I am faced with thanks to these clocks.
I have exactly 4320 minutes till my birthday, and 21600 minutes until my bum is on a tiny airplane seat for 1000 minutes.
I am so grateful for the person that invented hours and days.
It would be so tiring to calculate time in just minutes. Man.
What I am trying to say is in normal human speak,
is that is is...
3 Days till my birthday, 5 Days till I'm on a plane and approximately 15 Hours in a plane. =]

I really wish that you could take the batteries out of life so that time will just freeze.
I want my life right now to be like the useless third clock that is taking up space in my room.
Forever being frozen at 11:12.
That kinda sucks a little because it means that none of the wishes I'd make would come true,
but hey, at least it stops before the morning comes.

I've been having so much fun in New Zealand, that I can't possibly having more fun anywhere else
I've just realized how much I'm going to miss all my friends.
I'm not even excited about turning 17!
The flipping Sound of Music has a song dedicated to this specific event in a girl's life when she goes from 16 to 17, and I'm not even buzzing at the idea.
Am I growing up?
Noo! I liked being excited about birthdays and cake and presents.
Where is Neverland when you need it?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not ungrateful for this opportunity.
I just never thought that as the date came closer to my departure,
I would end up dreading to go as opposed to being excited to go.
I cringe as I wake up in the morning, knowing that I still have a ton of things to pack.
I cringe as I am packing as I realize how many things I am or will be forgetting to bring along with me.

Heck, I just cringe whenever I think about Japan!
Getting out of my comfort zone for a year.
Studying again after a hugeeee 6 month break.
Wearing a uniform?
Doing PE?
Not to mention PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION?!
AHHHH.
Can someone please come with me?
I'm sure someone weighs less than 20 kg.
If not, stop eating. :)

Hopefully this feeling is totally normal,
and when I'm settled in my home in Tokyo,
I'll actually look back and laugh at myself for writing this blog,
and having the nerve to actually put it on the world wide web for all to mock.

Hopefully the next time I blog,
I'll have somewhat improved in my Japanese.

Hopefully the next time I blog,
I'd have made a ton of friends that remind me of the old Disney movies.

Hopefully I'd still remember how to speak English,
and not be caught in between two languages and not be good at either of them.

Hopefully I will find batteries for that clock,
and won't feel too upset when I know that life just goes on,
and no one can stop time and make it freeze in its place.

All my love always,
April

Dear Japan.

Dear Japan,
I will be visiting you in less that 14 days.
I visited you two years ago,
and it was not only my best year yet,
I met people that are simply amazing.
Some, not so much.

Thank you so much for providing an endless supply of tissue papers.
I even had a tissue packet that had Elmo's face on it.
I still do not have the heart to open this packet,
for it will most certainly rip Elmo's face in half.

Thank you, for having the world's most kickass public transportation system.
Although you prove to create the most anal rules concerning behaviour on the train,
I gotta give it to ya -you really mean it when you say that the next train will arrive in 2.5 minutes.
Thank you for creating all your Japanese business men the same.
Sporting uniformity is amusing, and I am loving the identical business suits all around.

Thank you for a Tokyo DisneySea.
Although you did make me feel insignificant and awkwardly single with your amusement park rides that catered specifically for COUPLES...
Life is so much better with a giant mascot of a mouse to take photos with.
Not to mention the chocolate covered popcorn.
Where did that come from?

Thank you, for giving me the coolest homestays anyone could ever ask for.
I've made lifelong friends because you blessed me with such amazing people to take care of me.

Thank you, for the schools in Kyoto and Tokyo.
The traditional perfomances which included various types of high pitched shrieking,
still amuse me to this day.
AND. You really had a knack of throwing welcoming parties.
Kyoto's welcoming party was ... oh wait, we didn't get one.
(work on that, will you?)
Tokyo's welcoming party gave us tables and tables of food, gifts, and a certificate that made all of us feel more significant than ever.
(a huge step up from the school in Kyoto, well done.)

Thank you, for having a BaskinRobbins ice cream store.
I will have a huge scoop of Jamoca Almond Fudge whenever I miss my older brother.
(probably all the time, who am I kidding.)

Thank you, for having the amazing ability to make attractive and adorable stationary.
You must have known I was coming, and put everything on sale whenever I went shopping.

BUT.


I dislike you, Japan.
You took John Mayer away from me.
In the duration of an hour, you somehow managed to swallow up 6000 tickets for the both nights that he was opening in Tokyo.
I bet you don't even understand half of the things he is saying!
He talks crap most of the time,
and you pay 8500yen to hear some white dude talk trash (though, awesome and lovely and gooey trash) while playing guitar?
That is strictly my property.
Shame, on you.
You crushed my dreams, and for that,
I not only dislike you,
I freaking hate you.

I also dislike you because
your currency rate is too high.
New Zealand dollar has dropped,
meaning that everything would be double the price.
So 30 or 40 bucks for a meal is considered pretty standard.
Woot.

I dislike you even further for pricing ridiculous items that are somehow a necessity at such an alarmingly expensive rate.
Why do I have to pay a $1000 for a school uniform?
Yes, its a Japanese uniform, and they are cute,
but you gave me a bright yellow sweater that is paired with a bright red tartan skirt to wear.
I do not think that is cute,
in fact, I think that is rather puke-worthy.
Why yellow?
Yellow is not a very attractive color, especially since it is the unfortunate shade of "look-at-me-i-am-an-unfortunate-shade-of-yellow".
Plus, I am Asian, in case you didn't notice,
and the bright yellow sweater that I will have to wear will emphasize my yellow-ness too well.

And I freaking loathe you,
because you exiled me to an all girls school in Japan.
I am afraid of confrontation and bitch fights,
and cannot physically avoid all the gossiping and cattiness.
So, therefore, I dislike your decision in sending me to one.

BUT.

I owe you an apology, Japan.
Because when I went there two years ago,
I talked and laughed as loud as I wanted to in the train,
and faced the wrong way around too.

I also said hello to many strangers on the train,
and fell asleep on a few unfortunate Japanese men,
To be honest, its not that big of a deal.
I didn't drool or anything.
...or did I? =/
Ugh.

So perhaps you are punishing me for some of my outtakes in Japan two years ago.
That is okay, I accept your punishment "gracefully".
However, the John Mayer thing was simply, too far.
I still want him, and am going to hate on every single person that bought a ticket to that concert.
Foreign people and their obsession with American artists, pshh.

So in all good spirits,
I have more gratitude towards you than complaints towards you in the end.
Right now, I am extremely bitter, but give me time,
and I'll be Lil Miss Sunshine and Rainbows with Dancing Unicorns once again.

One day, you won't love concerts so much.
One day, you will know that trains should be another place for each other to connect with one another,
and perhaps complete silence is too drastic.
One day, you will also know that your uniformity is not as awesome as you think it is.
One day, you will also know that bright yellow on ANYONE, isn't a great color.

And in 14 days,
I will see you again.
Please bear with me if I drop all of my luaggage on some poor old lady in the train.
I can't help but carry a lot of things with me.
I am packing for 365 days after all.
It's your fault for making everything so expensive.
Please also don't hate me if I cannot speak the language fluently,
and say "um" more than actual words with a meaning.
Its kinda your fault that the grammar structure differs to the English one so drastically.

...do not eat me alive, please.

All my "love" always,
April