dreams

I always dream of falling.

Scientifically, this just means your poor sub-conscious brain

is too damn exhausted to remember to send a little signal to your organs that

you need oxygen to live, and breathing helps you live. 

Your brain then goes into panic mode,
stirring up emotions and images that will manipulate the sensation of falling into nowhere,
and never touching the ground.
You would then wake up gasping in fear,
at the same time filling those oxygen deprived lungs of air.

I never dream of flying.

Scientifically, it doesn't really mean anything.

To be honest, I don't think dreams are meant to be scientific at all.

When we think of flying, its hard not to think freedom.
Flying is liberating. It's like finally getting out of the chaos, and just floating above the clouds.
Your problems that seem bigger than Everest itself,
seem so small and insignificant when you rise above it.

When I dream, I wake up feeling confused and unhappy,
and obviously it reflects on how I feel right now.
I even have the same dreams several times over.

Lately, I've been having a dream I'd be running.
Running for my life, running like I physically can't run in real life.
Then, I'd stop. My body becomes permanently disable, and I fall to the floor,
while everyone steps all over, and walks over me, as if I'm part of the ground itself.
And whenever I'd try and call for help, no one would listen.
No one would bother, even when I cried and yelled, and screamed for some empathy.

Maybe this has got to do with the way I feel right now.
People look at me different.
Heck, they treat me different.
I've been regularly decimated by the male Japanese population,
and as a result, I am always slightly late for school because I want to take the girls only carriage on the train to school to avoid getting my ass fondled a third time by some random hormone-crazed 30 year old business man.

I also have been bashed twice in the face with an umbrella on the bus recently.
Some stuff happened, and I was crying rather hysterically on the bus.
Apparently in Japan, crying on buses is strictly prohibited and also an offense?
This is totally foreign and alien to me.
I don't think this would happen in New Zealand.
If anywhere else, to be honest.
If anything, someone would come up to me and ask if I was doing alright,
as opposed to bashing me in the face with an umbrella and telling me to keep it quiet.
And when I cried even more the first time he hit me,
he hit me again.

Do people really have that little compassion?
We're all human, no? =/
Maybe he was drunk, or was doing drugs- I dont know.

I feel like I am getting stepped on.
My dreams are turning into reality,
and I'm running, desperately trying to escape this horrible feeling,
but it ends up overwhelming me and eating me alive.
My worst fears for my coming to Japan have all come true. 

I've had bad days,
but I've also had good days.


The best day I've had so far,
has been outside of school.
It was the day I went to go find a church,
and I've never felt more welcomed.

Maybe, this church is the reason why I'm in Japan.
After church, I went to Minato-Mirai with a couple of friends I met at church.
I've made quite a few friends at church, and they are all in their late twenties.
There are hardly any girls or guys my age in the church.
The people that are closest to my age are all in university, or have already started to work.
This tells me a heck of a lot about the culture here in Japan too.
When its a Sunday, you usually don't go to church,
and you don't usually go out if you are in high school.

All the restrictions that the Japanese high schools put on these kids
make them very... unaware, I think, of who they are as a person.
They don't have opinions about anything, and they all have the same interests.
Heck, they even speak the same.
I feel like telling them that kawaii is seriously not the only adjective to describe everything.
Using it in awkward situations is not exactly ideal.
The word "indie" doesn't even exist in Japanese vocabulary, and the genre certainly doesn't exist in its music either...
I find that so hard to believe and accept.

As opposed to finding their own solid ground when they are 15 or 16, like we would do in New Zealand, (I think...?)
Kids here only start to get to know themselves better and let loose when they are 21, or starting university.
We have a huge privilege in New Zealand, and anywhere else in the world, because we are given the freedom to discover ourselves.
We don't have to conform to a certain idea,
and we certainly don't have to do anything we don't want to do.

On a brighter and happier note: 

I've found a part of Japan that I love,

and it reminds me of Auckland.

Minato Mirai is kinda like,

Singapore and Auckland having a baby together.

It has Auckland city's scenic beauty,
but I have to admit it isn't as beautiful.
Auckland has natural beauty, and without buildings, lights, and nice department stores,
it will still look breath taking.
However, Yokohama is rather man made.
Sure it has a beautiful ocean, and an amazing atmosphere in general,
its beauty lies in the romantic lights at night, the architecture, and the layout of the city.
The shopping in Yokohama is also better than any commercial place in Japan that I've been to so far.
Harajuku and Akihabara? Not really that great. =/
Crowded, and full of weirdos.

I've also found out that Yokohama has the coolest places to visit.
It's not too crowded, and I love the way the buildings are laid out around town.
I've only been to Minato Mirai, and I've yet to visit Chinatown,
but I've found a Snoopy and Disney store RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER in a mall that reminds me of Paragon in KL, Malaysia.

I have to tell myself that as each day of the week passes by,
it gets closer to a Sunday.
I don't get the privilege of looking forward to a Friday.
I have school on Saturday.
This makes me seriously appreciate church in a whole new light,
for I view going to church as a privilege now,
as opposed to something I've done, and enjoyed doing since I was little.
Now, going to church is like having that first bite of Oreo Cheesecake.
...
I've lost it. I'm comparing church to food?
> < . Feel free to mock me, its fine. :)

I want to fly,
and rise above this situation right now.
A new perspective and an understanding of why I am here,
in this crazy, emotion deprived land.
A new appreciation for the other things that Tokyo has to offer.
A fresh, new start, where I am already aware of what is going to happen,
so I don't stumble and fall like I am doing right now.



I think I'll get stronger though.
As I settle into this new church, make more friends,
and find a different part of Japan that I can relate to, and have genuine appreciation for,
I think, I'll be stronger.

So maybe my dreams will also get better,
and the day when I dream of flying,
I'll know that I've conquered this crazy emotion,
and perhaps grown to be a more positive person too.

Life is not so bad.
Sure, I'm going through a tough time right now,
but it's only been two weeks since I've been here in Japan.
I can have it much, much worse.
That man that hit me could have tried to do something even more drastic.
My school could have made me shave my head.
I don't know.

So until next time,
I'll keep on trusting that I am here to become great at Japanese.
Learning Japanese will get me further than I can possibly imagine, I'm sure.
Two years ago when I came, I did not see visualize myself living in Japan.
When everything comes to past, things make sense.

Nothing makes sense now,
but maybe if they come to past, they will.
And when that time comes, I'll rejoice and be very glad,
and feel slightly embarrassed for how I am feeling right now.

I came here to learn Japanese,
and that was the only reason why I came here.
However, now that I'm in Japan,
I know for a fact that I'm here not just to learn Japanese.
To make friends?
To learn the culture?
To buy more Snoopy merchandise?
I don't know.

So,
I'm going to stay here as long as it takes to find out why.

All my love always,
April