where is the tardis?

I've got some news!

I'm currently spending my summer vacation in the UK. I'm here until the week before uni starts next year in February, so here's to a whole three months of fish and chips, snow, and fun 

So far my holidays have been extremely relaxing- in fact, I can't remember the last time I've felt like there truly are 24 hours in a day, and that each hour consists of 60 whole minutes.

That's an equivalent of two Modern Family episodes plus Facebook stalking time!

Life is good when you do not have to think about exams, and drawing graphs that do not look like a six year old's depiction of a kitchen. 

It's been a little over a week now since I arrived in the UK, and I've noticed a great number of things that are unfortunately not too pleasing. For one- I expected there to be a countless number of red telephone boxes, just littered everywhere. In the little "county" I'm staying in- I've only found one! I think the Brits have lost all sense of national identity...

Something that has remained rather consistent with all the stereotypes about the UK is definitely the weather. It hasn't been extremely kind- in fact, its cloudy most of the time, with no signs of blue sky. I've also discovered that the gloomy weather is considered the norm here. I can't really complain about the weather in Durham though, because whilst waiting in Heathrow Airport for my stopover to Newcastle International Airport, the fog outside was overwhelmingly disturbing. I could barely see anything outside the windows, and going outside was genuinely a challenge to breathe properly for the first hour or two.

Combined with the jetlag, change in weather, and loss of appetite and sleep, I fell sick in the first few days of my stay here in the UK. 

Amongst other uncultured observations, I've found that there isn't a Doctor Who shop conveniently located on every shopping street. To make matters even worse- I haven't yet seen any Who merchandise at all! 

The only merchandise I've seen are two posters in R's room. Which sucks to say the least, because I thought I'd dress up as a Tardis/I Love David Tennant T shirts while I was here in the UK. 

Capitalism has surely failed in these parts of the UK. 

My plans to be an embarrassing foreigner have also failed accordingly, although being the only Asian who stands around and takes pictures of fat ducks on the street might possibly be an indication that I'm a visitor. 

I'm by myself most of the time during the day, and I've found myself exploring parts of the town alone, with my hipster digital camera and backpack. Just the other day I sent a few care packages back home to Kiwiland, and wrote a dozen postcards to friends. Inevitably, I am a bit homesick because I spend so much time on my own. I do miss home, and in particular my family and friends. 

Regardless, it's quite nice taking the time out to truly reflect on the year's events. 

The marketplace itself is lovely, and so is the castle and the cathedral. The Lumiere Festival, which is the largest light festival in the UK is held in Durham this year, which I've had the pleasure of attending a few nights ago emphasized the scenery beautifully. Unfortunately my camera was inadequate in taking night time photos, but I'll possibly use R's camera to take a few tonight. 

It's also quite lovely to walk throughout the market square and talk to the locals about various things to do around Durham. Whilst shopping for my care packages I came across a lovely little sweets shop, and I spent a good hour or two chatting away to the shopkeeper about making chocolates and fudge. I learned that the key ingredients in making chocolate is good quality butter, and low heat. I was quite confused as to why good quality cocoa was not mentioned.

Although a few friends back home are quite self conscious about their waist lines, I must insist that they try some because having a sample of the chocolate fudge made me drool throughout the day.

Also- UK candies are really quite a treat! Although they looked awfully sweet and sugary, (and no doubt they really are filled with sugar), its delightful nonetheless. 

I struggled to find cute postcards to send home, so I mostly wrote letters instead. Perhaps I'm too picky about postcards though. Can't be too fussy if they only cost less than 90p for one! So whilst sitting in what seems to be the Starbucks of UK (it's called Cafe Nero? I have no idea. Thought it better to try sitting here than in Esquires or Starbucks anyhow), I had the most sinful and expensive cup of coffee to date, and wrote soppy emotional letters back home. Yes, I received many judgmental and confused looks from everyone around me as I took photos of my cup of coffee. I realise that it is just a cup of coffee, but being a tourist, I'm obligated to take photos of the rubbish bin as well. 

Things that have been confusing as of late? This: 

What does "franked" mean? I'm assuming its only going to accept mail from people with the name Frank, or people that have been associated with a rather frank person. Again, many judgmental looks from passerby's as I stood in the middle of the pathway and snapped a picture. 

Apart from being by myself, I've tagged along with R to his college formal dinner. The uni lifestyle here is vastly different to the one in Auckland Uni. Admittedly, much better too. There's a sense of community here that UoA somehow lacks. I suspect it is also because less than a quarter of the students in UoA live in dorms, and due to the sheer size of Auckland, the chances of a successful, collective turn out to any event are slim. 

It's a traditional dinner in which there are many, MANY rules to abide by. It's an excuse to drink a lot of wine, in the shortest amount of time possible only for the mere cost of 4 pounds. The headmasters/dean of the university also attend, and they physically will hand out fines to those who apparently talk too loud. Which seems rather unfair, because large quantities of alcohol will entail yelling at some point or rather. 

Not that I received a fine or anything. ;)

I also had to wear a gown. Throughout the evening, I kept referring to it as a robe, but I now know that it is not bathroom attire, but rather very formal and posh attire that is non optional to wear to these dinner things. 

I borrowed one of R's friends' gowns to wear, and it was embarrassingly long on me. Everyone here is taller than I expected- at least in New Zealand, I was average. 

Here I'm some sort of midget that takes really mediocre photographs of red phone boxes. 

The Boathouse is actually a club! Isn't it cute? 

I've been clubbing twice since my arrival to the UK. Important difference to note: clubbing here is so much more chill than in New Zealand! But I'm fairly certain it's because it's a much smaller town than Auckland. In London, there is no doubt it will be even more of a hassle to go clubbing.

My verdict? Clubbing isn't great- anywhere in the world. When I tried going clubbing in Japan with my friend, I still struggled to develop any sort of love for it.

Besides, we all know that deep down, staying at home with a good cup of hot chocolate and a movie beats putting up with pervy glances, and having drinks spilled all over you by creepy and creepier. 

All in all, Durham is a very lovely place to visit. It's filled with extremely lazy days, and combined with the weather and close proximity of chops and restaurants, the local atmosphere is comforting for someone that has continually lived in a large city most of her life. 

I would encourage any of you that plan to come to the UK to come visit for a day. The sights are breathtakingly beautiful, and the atmosphere is really quite unique.

However, I wouldn't make it a priority over London for example. Simply because you might be disappointed to find only one telephone box in the whole of Durham, whereas I'm sure London has a few thousand red telephone boxes scattered on every street corner as a marketing ploy for tourists and the like. 

Take care, have a brilliant summer. 

I'll remember to keep warm throughout mine- falling sick once was horrid enough.

Hopefully I will write at least a dozen blog entries throughout my stay here in the UK. I'm not sure if I can generate enough interesting content though.. (considering the nature of this blog entry, I'm positive most of you have given up trying to read by the second sentence in)..because I'm not here for a study exchange or anything- just visiting friends and spending time with R. 

Bleh :) 

All my love always,

April 

freedom...almost.

I took a course in American History this semester.
Along with my long list of bad life choices, this one has gotta be in the top ten.
I could have taken a Western Sexualities paper instead- but I decided to study about capitalism and consumerism. Oh, and about freedom. And liberty. And freedom from liberty. And liberty from freedom. T___T I kid you not, it was a confusing course.

Freedom's definitions throughout the course of American history inevitably developed and altered to fit society's expectations- but it came to a point where these expectations were never met, and there seemed to always be a reason for a reform, and a reason for instability. If they had gotten their shit together, I wouldn't have had to stress over several decades of reform in the exam today. Seriously, people. Tsk.

At one point freedom took roots in the ability to consume absolutely everything. Freedom to buy whatever shit you wanted without paying a single cent of it.
It's apparent that freedom does indeed mean that in the present day and age.

For me, freedom means never having having to study American history ever, ever again. 
I feel oddly liberated after having done my history exam, and though my microeconomics exam is less than five days away, I am strangely relaxed and calm.
The panic will undoubtedly kick in tomorrow, as I realise I can't even draw a cost curve graph without consulting Dr. Google.

But here's to the end of American history, and good riddance.

sort this out

I came across this picture while "studying". I'm taking a course in collecting adorable pictures on the internet. I've been unsurprisingly getting straight A's, and graduating top of my class.

I used to be obsessed with stationary. I have this embarrassing collection of letter templates and pens, and cringe worthy fact about me coming up in three, two, one..
I invested in this calligraphy set that cost me 60 bucks, which I haven't even opened...since 2006.
That was a good five years ago. I'm positive the ink has dried out by now.
I'm not really keen to open the box either. I keep thinking a family of spiders have taken refuge in the box, you know? Or there might not be spiders in the box.
So at present- there are spiders, and there are no spiders in the box at the same time.
(just using my Big Bang Theory knowledge to good use. I hope for my own sake that's an appropriate analogy. If not- I blame the writers of the show. And Sheldon.)

But I stared at this picture and couldn't help but wish.
Wish that my life was as simple as letter templates, where my dreams would fit in an envelope and postmarked all across the globe, to be opened by someone I love a week and a half later.
I'd stick my heart on the back, and people caring enough would not rip it apart but work around the edges to find out what's written inside.

I'd start all over, where I can put my endless regrets in a shredding machine, erase out my catastrophic bad life choices,  and color in my wish list with pink, purple, and sky blue.
I'd arrange all my dreams in alphabetic order, and lock away the heartache within the drawers.
...and throw away the key. What idiot would re-open that drawer, I don't know.

With exams coming up in just three days, and the year drawing to a close in just two more months, I can't help but feel that the course of this year has been one of the most unproductive, and the most tragic year to date.
You'd think that the year I turn 18 would be filled with intense partying and alcohol, and self awareness and soul searching...but not really.

I've studied the majority of the free time I've had to myself, and every single time I head home from town, the cool kids come walking into town to go clubbing.
Let me tell you this. There is nothing more pathetic and awkward.
It's the most unwanted feeling in the world when you walk the opposite direction from everyone, and then having to endure the all knowing smirks and judgmental scoffs.

Good thing I've made a few friends that are as uncool as I am, and we'd walk the opposite direction away from all the intimidating clubs and uninhibited drunk people almost every Friday night.

I assure myself that I'd rather go home to an abundance of Chinese food and a family that would coddle me to death if they could. And my laptop.
Personally I know I much rather take a long bath, and climb into my pj's, all the while watching re runs of Arrested Development or the Mentalist.

I'm not so ignorant to say that I haven't tried doing the cool 18 year old thing, and going partying.
I have, but I think the stress from uni is too overwhelming that I end up feeling guilty if I am not studying. And plus- I'd rather worry about learning how to calculate marginal cost prices than worry about the multiple blisters forming on the back of my feet from my heels.
Wow, when did I ever get this introverted?
According to Psych108, people that are introverted are immediately a disappointment to their parents.
...FACT. ^_^

I haven't blogged privately in a while either- which is a shock even to myself.
I've used all that time learning short run cost curve graphs for Economics, growing increasingly hateful about Americans, memorizing useless information about ethics and security in the business environment, and best of all, sleeping through my case law analysis practice exercises.
I can't seem to sort anything out though. So what if I prepared for the exams ahead of time? I still have this growing knot in my stomach before I go to bed every night knowing my exams are right around the corner.

The pressure to get into Law school and the impending fear that I'll end up homeless one day has really hit me hard. Additionally, all the uncertainty about my future has left me a neurotic, paranoid, and sad excuse of a person.

Even if I don't make it into the second half of law school, at least I can confirm one thing.
The only reason why lawyers get paid so much is because no one can read such small font.
No one can understand the ridiculous grammatical structures.
Above all though- no one really gives a crap.
Okay, so maybe that's three things. But still- all this debate about making law more accessible to the public should be a larger issue than it is. With Latin phrases and references every second word in a sentence, it's no wonder that people find it hard to understand the law.

My budding lawyer skills have proven exceptional though. They have developed rather well. I'm being charitable for my own sake, of course.
In my latest test, the examiner even wrote an appreciative "WTF" around my conclusion.
I wrote something along the lines of...
"the plaintiff completely, but not completely and should not be granted the appeal but can do so regardless of negligent or willful conduct to inflict emotional duress on another individual."

Someone get me an award for literary genius. Please, it's painful to wait.
I didn't actually fail that test- she/he probably felt sorry for me and gave me sympathy marks.
I'm also rather pleased they didn't attach a McDonalds job application form to my test script.
I was half expecting to receive something of the sort anyhow. ;)

Luckily I've managed to work up my stamina in reading cases though, and similarly my writing speed has been considerably faster than a toddler learning how to write their ABC's since the start of the semester.
I stress in using "stamina" when describing the physical effort it takes to sit down and plow through a judgment without falling asleep.
If it isn't my calling (whatever the fuuuuuuck that means) to become a world-class bitch of a lawyer in an A-line pencil skirt, then I hope that I'm okay with that if/when my application for second year law is denied accordingly.
The faculty of Law decided to put the notification dates concerning our eligibility into the law program on Christmas Day too. So it can either be a very good Christmas, or a Christmas spent in my pj's and curling up in bed. The latter sounds quite comfortable though tragic.

Here's to passing all our exams without passing out in the examination hall.
Here's to getting there on time and having superb wrist strength to write for three hours straight.

All my love always,

April

umbrella.

Protect me from the rain, wherever I go

However far I roam, open them above me.

The colors of red, blue, crimson, and violet

High above me they cover all possibilities --- but then you wonder

If ever a time as good as now;

how do the drops of rain feel when they hit the ground?

Protect me from all the pain, wherever I go

However long I'm away, open them above me.

The colors of indigo, purple, the starry night above.

So wide they cover yet so little they do; I'm stuck hidden from all truth.

If ever a time as good as any; let me know you'll let me go.

Beautiful as they are, and beautiful as you may be

I'll learn to let go slowly, these umbrellas are closing in

The rain may fall, and I will surely drown

The absence of you at first is too profound

The rain dries, and the sky opens up the blue

The smell of sunshine after rain- what can stop me missing you?

Protect me from nothing, there is no point to shelter

The rain from my beloved, I welcome it no longer.

I'll sit and ponder about all the times we've had

Were they real? Were they true? Or just like rain...

...all fade to grey but when color it does not lack,

it paints me, floods me, the feel of you too good to be true.

I'm still me, but you're just this memory,
faded like the grey, protect me you can't never again, not today.

So you put up your umbrella and shelter another.

Promise me, you'll truly love her.

No matter how briefly- like that night in September.

a poem for you. 

words of wisdom

calvin and hobbes 

a poem about dandelions.

Sometimes I feel like I'm a dandelion in the wind.

So full of hope, but when I do fly- I'm left naked and thin

I parachute out into the wild, my seeds like daydreams collide 

The wide open sky awaits, and I'm left here to die.

I do not blame myself for I wanted to fly

Out into the open, to explore, just so I could try.

You were what I wanted, but I needed more.

I wasn't what you needed, and you wanted more.

Seeds and all I carry myself, as far as the wind could carry me

My dreams light and empty, you beat me down once again

No matter how far I go, I'll never reach your heart

It is too far, it is too near, its just not for me, my dear.

Too foolish to see otherwise, I sacrifice parachutes from my branch

They sail aimlessly, floating away from what was left, and what used to be. 

I realize the more I let go of the seeds, the less of me I see

But I was born not to stay still: I was born to find something more. 

Something, like you and me. 

You left my heart here, and I'm still searching for you

Parachutes fleeting, my heart beating- the end is nearly here.

Even though my branch is stripped bare of seed:

The dreams I have for you, for us: they'll somehow parachute into the wind.

Sometimes I feel like a dandelion.

Sometimes a beacon of light, other times a weed.

I hope one day that you'll find me

I hope one day, you'll learn to love me.

Sitting here in all my seedless beauty. 

stars

I was hesitant to understand it.
So reluctant to realize, but I've arrived to the conclusion that nowhere is home for me.

You have snippets, little bits and pieces from the memories and moments you've shared with significant people in your life- and that's the only time you really feel at home. 

It's never really about the location as it is about the company you are with.

It explains why I much prefer the Starbucks cafe in Shinagawa to any other cafe in Tokyo. 

Simply because the memories I've made with a very special Canadian has romanticized the place to the extent that I'm ridiculously biased towards that unfortunately dull coffee shop. 

It's easy to allow your own thoughts to consume all that's left inside of you. 

Perhaps its my ignorance, or maybe its my inability to see past my insecurities, but for a while I've been surrounding myself with negativity.

I've purposefully isolated myself away from doing the things I love, thinking that I'm undeserving to have an opinion to share with the world. 

We all have that little thing that delights us. 

That one thing that has stayed with you from the beginning, never leaving you- and it never disappoints.

I think for me, that one thing would be finding new music to listen to.
It gives you the chance to 'start again' minus all the pain it usually takes to close a chapter in your life and write a new one. New music is also unstained with potential unwanted memories for the future.
I'm unjustifiably selfish with my music because of this very reason.
To be completely honest though- it wasn't always like this.
The one thing I'm protective over I can't be.

Music isn't just a guitar, a singer, and some lyrics.

It's memories within the melody, hope intertwined with harmony, which makes it that much more difficult to forget. 

Music is what was, what is, and what will be. 

The same song can resonate different meanings at different points in your life- and regardless of how beautiful a miracle this may be; there's usually unwanted reminders associated with that one song you listened to on repeat with a broken heart.

Listening to Stars' music makes me feel lighter than I've felt in a long time.

It's funny what one song can do to bring all that joy back- when you remember the simple things that once made you smile, and once made everything worthwhile.

A bit late to discover this band- but I'm sure glad I discovered them now than later.

I hope that you'll all re-discover that one little delight that will make you remember what you love about life.

Life is too often too serious, too heavy, too much of ...everything.

But always remember:

when you're cold- maybe you just miss the sun 

All my love always,

April