school

It’s always something.

There is never a time that some random “authoritative” figure does not confront me here in Japan.

In a day; average is about six times. Maybe even 10; I’ve lost count.

It’s been getting worse lately, and I don’t think I can walk into school without getting my confidence destroyed through the humiliation I have to face everyday.

I don’t understand.
I’m not doing anything wrong, I’m just being me.

And apparently being myself is considered unacceptable in this environment.

I don’t have the patience to keep on smiling, and saying “Yes, I understand”, when I bloody clearly don’t.

I don’t have the patience to pretend that I am loving the Japanese education system and its ridiculously inflexible rules and regulations.

What, however, I really cannot stand, is the fact that I’m treated differently from the students

Not in a good way, mind you, but in this screwed up negative way.

Heck, I’m treated differently to the other exchange kids too.

For example: Japanese schools are absolutely anal freaks about skirt lengths on girls.

Before you go to school each morning, half of the staff that works at my school would be there to “greet” you with a “your skirt is too short; fix it now”, or a “What the heck is wrong with your face this morning? You are a disgrace to the Japanese population.” Something like that.

You would think that if everyone had the same length of skirt (which is above the knee); this would be the norm, no?

But apparently my “principal” thinks that my skirt is so short that I will make her school into a whore house.

Ironically; my school skirt is the longest one I own; and it is just above my knee, like normal.

Sure, I roll it up; but who doesn’t?

Girls at my school have skirts so short that their jerseys hide most of the fabric.

I’m tempted to just tell them to save the money. There really isn’t a use for a skirt if you are going to roll it up that much.

The original length of the skirt though, is rather ridiculous.

It’s longer than a freaking towel.

School rules also say you aren’t allowed to hem this skirt up to a reasonable length that would make walking easy.

Therefore; we roll our skirts up.

I feel like such an idiot. This is a universal school uniform thing.

Nothing new here, right?

Oh, but.

BUT.

Approximately 5 meters away from the school gate, I would then cringe in anticipation to the screechy, accusing voice that could only belong to the lovely school principal whom just needs to get laid in my opinion; singling me out of the crowd of “hey-look-at-my-skirt-wait-you-can’t-really-see-it-can-you” girls.

I will never have the confidence to wear anything that short.

But BLESS THIS PRINCIPAL’S HEART; she HAS to pick on the girl that has a reasonable skirt length just because she’s an exchange student!

Or whatever the reason is; because it better be a good one.

Once; I was walking to school with a friend that had the exact same skirt length as I did.

The woman totally ignored her, despite the fact that she did roll it up too.

She just started tugging, and tugging at my uniform, ordering me to unroll it down.

I know these are the school rules; and I’m not saying that I should be allowed to roll it or whatever.

But don’t single one person out of the crowd when everyone is doing so.

That’s not only unfair; its pathetic and cruel.

I have this theory. It’s really only because I’m Asian.

Japanese people can’t tell that I’m an exchange student.

When I don’t respond like a Japanese student would; they are cold.

It’s been like this since the start of my exchange, and I thought I’d be used to it, but

HI MISTER CULTURE SHOCK; to what do I owe this pleasure of your visit today?

(If not for the whole month of June?)

Another example; Japanese schools have no idea what the meaning of “right of expression” means.

I wear a purity ring, and its one of the most important decisions in my life to date.

It’s not for fashion; heck, I hardly wear rings. 

My fingers aren’t exactly the skinniest, and to find a ring that fits would be a miracle.

However; this is a purity ring.

I wear it not because I can’t remind myself about my decision with the absence of this ring, but I wear it because it’s something that I’m proud of.

According to the Japanese people, this is Japan; therefore, don’t bring your own beliefs and culture into our country.

Heck; don’t even dare wear it on your finger.

I tried to rationalize that this is necessary; it’s for religious purposes; no?

“Japan is not a Christian country. Your country might be a Christian country, so just wear it back home and not in Japan.”

The last time I heard; expression of one’s religion didn’t exactly stop when you travel overseas.

Nor did it stop because you are in a different culture.

The REAL reason, obviously, to your persistent decision to keep on wearing this ring is so that you can make all the other students want to convert to Christianity.

Oh no, no no no, we can’t do that.

You evil exchange student. You evil, evil exchange student.

June has been a fun month to start with.

Heck; it has been such a cool month, no wonder all the shit that hasn’t happened is happening now; in the last week of the month.

Because life sucks; the last week of the month also happens to be the week my welcoming speech is due on.

The shit has totally hit the fan, my people.

It totally has, and it is not coming off.

I heard yesterday that my lovely school wrote a lovely email to my lovely exchange company addressing the LOVELY AND WONDERFUL things about me.

To my even lovelier surprise, my lovely host mom addresses my lovely self, informing me about the lovely news that involves a lovely meeting on the day of my speech.

This meeting would include all the lovely people listed above; except this time, they won’t talk about the LOVELY AND WONDERFUL things about me; because there are none.

The amount of pressure that this puts on me is ridiculous.

How can you expect someone to do well in a speech when you inform them beforehand that there is going to be a meeting about how you are stupid for feeling the way you feel?

How is that normal?

How is that in any way fair?

But then again; I am in Japan.

Nothing is fair here.

I wish there was a way; a way to not conform to the anti-feministic and submissive Japanese housewife mentality.

A method, perhaps, that maybe I will cling on to what’s left of me because no one can change me. I am sure there is one. There can’t be a problem without a solution.

June, oh dear god, why does it have to end on such a sad note?

Two of my friends that I’ve only had the pleasure of spending two months with are going back home soon, and I do not want to say goodbye.

These girls are what have been keeping me sane in this school.

Although that is part of the reason why I am sad to see them go; they are genuinely the nicest people I’ve met so far in my life.

It’s also sad that I probably won’t see them again until goodness knows when.

Goodbye is the saddest, I think, when you are so unsure of the next time you will meet each other again; if ever.

It’s making memories and categorizing them as the past.

It’s looking back, and looking forward to see nothing but their absence.

I’ve noticed that most of the people that you treasure the most are the ones that you say goodbye to in the end.

You treasure them because they aren’t always there; and the possibility of them being by your side all the time is bar none to zero.

Therefore, you hold them as close to you as you can, for when they go, a part of you goes with them too. 

I genuinely thought my situation here in Japan was getting better.

But I guess this is a roller coaster ride, and my time of being at the top has ended;

It’s time to do some growing, and it’s time to somehow manage another unwanted, unnecessary and confusing situation.

So although this week is definitely a down,

I’m hoping it will go up again.

Summer vacation is just around the corner and,

Although I am worried about how much I am entitled to go out,

(and not to mention the two other exchange girls that are going to be staying with me in this already quite small house),

I’m hoping that my host mom will turn over a new leaf.

The idea of freedom to her is so foreign and disgusting; it makes me wonder if its really that disgusting to begin with.

I’m praying that this situation with my school and the company that sent me here will blow over soon; because if it doesn’t, I’m even more screwed than I am now; if that is even slightly possible.

Things cannot get any worse than they do now; and I hope from now on, after my speech is done, things just get better, and better.

Because the ride was fun when it was at the top, and when you are at the bottom, all you can do is wonder how the heck you got there in the first place, when the top was the only place you fought to be at.

All my love always,

April