光陰矢の如しTime Flies Like An Arrow

The theme for our 文化祭。

光陰矢の如し is a proverb in Japanese.
It means that 'time flies like an arrow', and I cannot agree more.
Except the fact that time probably flies faster than you can even string your bow and hold the arrow in place anyway.
It's so fast that you cant grasp it at all- and when you do; you are reluctant to hold on because when time flies, you are having fun.
The minute it starts to crawl by- that's when you should be worried.

Now that the Culture Festival is completely over and done with- we have holidays.

Three days of rest before school starts again.
Days of waking up not feeling refreshed, but days of waking up to feeling even more exhausted and relentless.
Maybe it's because six hours of sleep a day isn't sufficient for anyone.
Maybe- or perhaps I just need to suck it up and be stronger. (yet again.)

Having holidays means staying over at Maki's house- lately it's just been that way.
I'm not one to complain at all though. Good food, comfy pillows and a bed, and WIFI? :)
Invite me over anytime!

Lately I've also been stressing not for the Level 2 Test that I am supposedly expected to take early December, but I've been worried about university.
I think I would have to do at least one year in New Zealand as the bare minimum, and then hopefully Auckland Uni can be my foundation on which I exchange to other universities around the world.
This was not my ideal plan, and isn't my ideal plan.

Supposedly meant to bring wealth if placed inside one's home.

Unfortunately money does not fall from the sky, and no matter how many 'money plants' we buy, money can only come from one source only- and that is hard earned work.

Do I know what I want to be when I am older?

The answer still remains a 'no', and although I am sure I want to write in the future, so do billions of other kids I've noticed.

Sure; I should do what I like, and I'll be good at it.

There is a proverb in Japanese, 好きこそな物上手になれ。

It means that you will be good at everything you love.

There is a difference between being good at something, and being great at it.

I might be good in stringing a few words together to make a sentence or two.

I am definitely not great at doing so though. =]

I wish there was a way for me to get money now.

I can save up, and my parents wouldn't have to be so burdened because of the ridiculously high prices of getting a good education in our world today.

Money that would help support me overseas, and I would then stop being a burden to anyone.

I want to be accountable to myself. Financially, that is.

I already am in most other things but I think financially- breaking away from the help of parents would not only do them good, but it would also help me learn the value of money.

Going on exchange is one of the hardest things I've had to, and am doing so far.

You get on a plane to a country you hardly know anything about.

The worst part is the fact you don't know anyone.

The comfort of having your friends and family by your side is stripped away from you; forcing you to grow up, be independent, and face life head on.

You get lonely.

Often, and if not everyday you will wonder if people back home are thinking of you just the same way you think of them.

Then there are those days you feel like you don't even have a home.

Because you've been in this country so long; people change.

People grow apart and change differently, as opposed toging together.

This scares me so much because when this happens; you inevitably drift further away from each other because of the lack of communciation and just the lack of time spent with one another.

Time is the one thing that brings people closer, and can also rip them apart.

And what was a friendship, now is only written in history.

the exchange kids with me from April- June

the exchange kids that came at the start of September.

The friends you make and then leave behind? It's a vicious cycle on exchanges.

You build all these memories, and then when you say goodbye to them, the future that you will have doesn't include them in.

Therefore- is going on exchange worth it?

Is it worth all the pain of saying goodbye in exchange for a good education, a good exposure to the world, and a good experience outside of what you are already familiar with?

Loss is one of the most if not the worst thing we experience here on earth.

The most painful part is knowing that you might never get to see them again.

Their being in front of you, their person, just as they are.

Going on exchange teaches you to value human life.

Treasuring every single minute, and making every minute count.

It's significance lasts forever, and although it may not be part of the present, it's in your little memory bank box that you find mysteriously opens itself and unravel its contents to you when you least expect it.

Sometimes passengers in the train give me odd looks because I would be smiling to myself.

Thinking about the times I've had with the friends that are no longer by my side, and thinking about you especially- it truly makes my day so much better.

I can't believe I'm only here for another four months.
September has flown by exceptionally fast for some reason.
Although it hasn't been as happy as I hoped it would be, this month has been fulfilling.
I've learnt so much more about myself, and I've also gotten better at Japanese.
My listening comprehension has improved, and so has my speaking.
To get where I want to be, I would have to improve my reading comprehension of course.
But with practice- I'll get there.
I just hope time doesn't cheat me yet again, and I find myself going back to New Zealand with only a mediocre level of Japanese.

The future awaits- and I am so scared.
I haven't had anything sorted out mentally in my mind.
Have I made a list of things I want to accomplish in university next year?
No.
Last year for high school, with both NCEA Level 1 and 2, I made lists.
Little goals that I'd have to try and accomplish so that I could get both levels ticked off with big fat excellences.
That would ultimately contribute to the coming of this exchange and towards my application into university.

I should be making lists for my first year of uni so that I would be guaranteed easier access into not only going on exchanges but getting scholarships for them too.
I'm definitely doing a BA, but in what exactly? =/
Law conjoint with something else would be ideal I think.
But do I really want to do Law? It's not something I think I'm passionate about.

There's art too.
Designing and painting has always been one of my passions in life and pursuing it would be...dream-like.
Unrealistic, because getting in that field is not only difficult but near impossibility considering our current financial meltdown.
Sticking with what is practical is what I'm going to have to do for now.
So welcome back inner conflict and confusion.
You two are truly my best friends for the remaining September to come.

While I miss all of you like crazy, I still am having fun here in Tokyo getting to know new people and growing closer to old ones.
So hopefully time goes by relatively fast from now on, because I think my life back in New Zealand cannot wait to get started.
A whole year of uni in New Zealand will hopefully make me stronger to go anywhere else in the world.
For the future, and for myself too.

Love

April

文化祭 culture festival

After literally months if not year(s) to prepare for this cultural festival; its over.
Not quite over, because tomorrow is clean up day; but the actual two day long festival is over.

Did I have fun?
Yes.
Am I tired?
Holy crap I am so exhausted I cannot even stand up straight without feeling dizzy.

I think this month is the most challenging of all the months I have been here in Japan (in terms of my school life).
I've had to really stuff down all the selfish feelings that I have within myself and give it all I've got if not more to the success of this festival.
Oddly enough- I have really grown from this experience.
I realize that it's truly not just about how my exchange turns out.
It's not about how my exchange will affect me in the future; how it would benefit my salary, and my exposure to the different cultures around the world.
My being here in Japan has more; I've learnt that the giving back is so important.

Joining the art club was initially selfish.
It's a requirement to join at least one type of club activity if you are an exchange student.
It shows that you are 'experiencing the Japanese school lifestyle, and embracing the commitment to school'.
So I did.
Of course I wasn't going to be committed to school- I loved my own time, and I've always had a better life outside of school even back in New Zealand.
I had three genuine but embarrassing reasons for joining.
One- because it was easy; twice a week, and you are allowed to paint whatever the heck you wanted.
Two- I could get away from my former crazy host family.
Three- It was individualistic. I missed my space, and I needed some time to myself, and my music, and my art. It was a way to escape.
Little did I realize that the Art Club was, and is a major influence in the cultural festival every year at my school.

The minute I started term two, I had been rushing to get my painting done,
and when I finally did; OH MY GOD.
The liberation- and the boost of confidence that you can handle anything in any given situation?

the finished result! 

It was priceless.
Not only did I finish my painting in record time- I finished the first too :D
Everyone started a month earlier than I did but because I was so determined to not be a loser and not end up finishing the damn thing in time, I stayed behind every day to paint.

Unlike the Art Department in my high school in New Zealand, there is no design, graphics, painting, or photography in Japanese schools.
It is all combined into one club, and that is, the Art Club.
So our club represented anything to do with the creative side of the school, and unfortunately, many students realize this and the members of this club have always been very few because of the pressure that is placed on these kids to produce good work.
Once you join a club, quitting is not exactly the wisest option.
So choose wisely, if any one you out there is coming on exchange to Japan in the future.
Because once you commit, then quit?
You would be very high on the reasons that define the stereotypes on foreigners that exist in Japan.

The kids that do dance or the marching band have it off worse I think.
They practice the same dance routine for a whole year just for this cultural festival.
The minute the culture festival ends, they will learn a new routine for the following year's cultural festival.
Japanese people put a whole new level of dedication out there, thats for sure.

The same dances, routines, and songs, practiced over and over again for three hours every single day after school, 6 days a week, and every single day of summer vacation.
Talk about intense!
I never understood why the kids would even bother to do dance, but then I realized that the Japanese people have this insane need to do everything to the best of their ability.
If that means giving up their social lives, and any 'private time' they might crave at the end of the day?
That's the sacrifice they will pay.
Just so that they can represent their school with pride, and look back in a decade's time and say, "yes, I went to that school, and I contributed to its outstanding and ongoing reputation it has today."

I hate complimenting myself, or thinking good about myself in any possible way because I have this fear that if I somehow allow myself to be happy with the way I am, I'll never improve.
Sometimes this isn't too good for the self esteem but- it really pushes me to do better, and greater things with myself that I wouldn't have bothered doing in the first place had I settled for what I thought was sufficient.

My class also managed to finish selling ALL the candles that we made by hand.
My job was to run around for two hours each day advertising our candles.
In Japan, these girls are called the いっらしゃいませ　girls, (Irrashaimase) , and anyone that has been to Japan knows how awfully annoying they are.
The high pitched screaming, and not to mention their obscene need to drag out that last syllable of せ for eternity.
I've had such little respect for these girls ever since I've arrived to Japan.
I've always thought it was such a boring, (not necessarily comfortable), but it must be such a boring and unskillful job.
Don't get me wrong- I think it doesn't exactly require 10 years in an Ivy League college to study the art of perfecting that せ sound, and the skills needed for shouting above the other いっらしゃいませ girls that are doing exactly the same things you are doing aren't exactly high.
However- it is a TOUGH job.

 

I was asked to wear a cardboard sign around my neck, and first call out いっらしゃいませ,
then I would proceed to call out the details of what our class is selling, and for how much.
Doing it for a short while is fine, but the moment you realize that you have repeated yourself so much that your words start to tumble over one another, and your voice gets dry on that very significant syllable of せ you start to tire out.
20 minutes in, I was already hoarse and struggling to run and scream at the same time without looking like a total amateur.
Needless to say, I have lost my voice completely.
:) but it works. It caught people's attention, and our class was one of the very few to have sold out completely.

I've also gotten to know the exchange kids a lot more.
I still miss the old exchange kids- and trust me, nothing will ever replace them.
But I appreciate my new foreign buddies a lot, and am thankful that I am not the only exchange student in my school.
They do not have as much freedom as I am privileged with, so every single opportunity to hang out and have fun is treasured.
Just the way it's supposed to be every single day with whomever you meet and spend time with anyway. =]

 

 

  

I don't know how I did it.
7 straight days of school, and one more day left to go.
I don't know how I got up at 5AM each morning, and sleep at 12, and still manage to smile.
Perhaps there was the help of chocolate and junk food,
and maybe the help of coffee in the morning too,
but I can't believe I went without a single break.

The fact that these Japanese kids can do this on an annual basis and still study for the tests that they are required to study for puts us all to shame, I think.
Because we obviously do not know what its like to be under such pressure that we relax.

We are mediocre, and we don't challenge ourselves.
However- there is always a positive and a negative to everything.
In this case I think that there isn't a balance in the Japanese school.
They are completely leaving out the fact that one needs to develop character through personal experiences too, and not just within the community.
By depriving them with so many restrictions and obligations on a daily basis- where does one get any experience outside of the four walls of school?
Where does one learn social skills that don't involve just conversing with your classmates, but also with the opposite sex, and with people both younger and older than you?
These skills the girls definitely lack- and its a huge pity, because everyone has the potential to be great.
When the kids enter university, that's when they start developing a sense of self.
However, I do think 20 is far too late, and that you should already be an adult once you hit the age of 16.

The downside to giving kids too much freedom is that one becomes rather self centred.
You tend to only participate in things if it will benefit yourself, and that mentality will start to dominate most of your decision making.
Before I came to Japan, I didn't know one could be so committed to school.
After all, it was JUST school.
But I realized something today after the cultural festival.
It would not have been a success if not for everyone's contribution and time.
It was amazing to see how everyone just.. worked together without any conflict whatsoever.

Back in New Zealand; when preparing for events such as the ball or some random international day,
there would always be some drama about how one cannot compromise for another.
This rarely happens in Japan from what I've seen so far, if not never.
The ultimate big picture rises above a particular shade of pink for some particular cloth.
It rises above who said what and when and how.
I've learnt to also compromise.
My time, my sleep.
To contribute to a school that has wronged me at times but has had a major impact in helping me move out of my former host family too.

Giving isn't just baking for your friends, or remembering their birthday.
It isn't just spending time with the ones you love.
It's sacrifice.


And for one last time, (for hopefully a very long time)
お疲れ様でした！
and all my love always!

April

maybe it's worth it

Shinagawa 

August is officially over.

I think it finally sunk in today when it wasn’t hot.

It was actually cool on the walk home from bus station to home.

I didn’t have to yank off my necktie, and I didn’t have to blow my fringe out of my eyes at all.

Autumn has graced us here in Japan.

Sure, it’s still just below 30 degrees, but the wind cleverly disguises the heat.

It’s different in the noon; it’s humid and sticky and gross, but thank God I go to a rich school that is air conditioned all around at a comfy temperature of 25 degrees.

Therefore, we won’t really realize the heat unless you look outside and observe how the heat wavers prettily above the concrete roads and bounces off the tops of buildings.

I’m not sure if I’m meant to be happy or not.

Sure, I hate the heat, and if I could live in an igloo for the rest of my life, I would; but the heat was comforting in the sense that it was SUMMER.

It was vacation; it was the time to go absolutely crazy for a month and a half for nothing could stop you except maybe heat stroke.

It’s over, and I can’t wait for the next time I have vacation.

Shingawa Girls High School

This has got to be the most exhausting and stressful month to date here in Japan.

It’s my first month back at school, and in preparation for the culture festival, my all too rich private girls high school is going absolutely nuts to make sure everything falls into place.

The culture festival is apparently one of the hugest festivals, if not the most important school festival of the year.

The school I attend requires us as a class to prepare handmade items and sell them on the two days of the festival.

If you join a club, you are required to showcase your club through exhibitions or performances.

I join the Art club; so that requires me to paint, and paint, and paint.

A lot.

If not for almost three hours a day after school.

two of the new exchange kids =]

So far September has been nothing but school.

I have heard from others that school dominates the lives of the students here in Japan; but I didn’t quite believe it when I went through my first semester at Shinagawa.

It was hectic, sure, but it didn’t stop me from having a social life.

However, this culture festival is stopping me from having one so far.

This week will be the first week of my life where I am spending 12 straight hours at school, 7 days a week, without a break at all.

It’s a Monday to Monday week for me.

It’s now Tuesday, and I feel like it’s already Saturday.

Saturday is no longer considered a weekend for me, because I have been operating on Monday to Saturday weeks since my being here in April,

But Monday to Monday is a bitch.

Oh, its so bad knowing you can’t rest in between at all!

my canvas so far..

a close up of the not so convincing 'trees'

and yet again. =]

I’m struggling to finish my art.

The size of the canvas is taller than I am, not to mention wider.

For one to paint this giant of a canvas, one has to literally climb on top of it.

(It hasn’t been easy, and it has been awkward to do so, might I add.)

It’s not even a great painting so far, and I am quite disappointed with its turn out.

It’s not yet finished, of course; but I know I have and probably can do much better if I didn’t have a screaming deadline down my throat.

I made the extremely wise choice not to come to school during my summer to start on this canvas;  and now it’s biting me in the ass.

Although if time would rewind itself; I would do the same thing all over again.

I wouldn’t trade that summer for anything in the world.

I’ve been making candles with my class too.

So far; in the two days I’ve been back, I have made 200 candles.

I didn’t know my hands were capable of making candles; let alone 200 of them, all in the duration of four hours.

I think I never knew what I was capable of until I was put into a situation where I had to challenge myself to do so.

Sure, making candles is not hard, but I think the hours I spend at school, the amount of study I do each day, the hours I spend painting each day; I would have never thought possible in New Zealand.

In New Zealand, I would take a break from studying every hour.

Here, I don’t take a break unless it’s lunch time.

It’s 6:30AM till 6:30PM every day, and although I am so exhausted at times I feel like fainting,

It’s refreshing to know that I could, and I can adjust.

This is where I can see that I have grown.

Because I take my studying so much more seriously now.

I thought I did back in New Zealand; and of course I did,

But to care about it this much to the extent that I wouldn’t let myself go to sleep unless I accomplish what I wanted to accomplish initially; I can see that I have grown.

Back home, I would have just said, “oh I can do it tomorrow,”

But now procrastination hurts.

It hurts because I know time is money, and I am paying for every single day I am here in Japan.

If I don’t make full use of my time here, then I will look back in 10 years and cringe.

I don’t want to give myself any opportunities to say the words, “I regret not doing X because I thought maybe Y and Z was an option when in reality X was just the best to begin with.”

They say you shouldn’t regret anything you do in life,

And I fully agree.

But I also think that in order for that to really work; take every single opportunity as they come, no matter how stupid and ridiculous and unnecessary they may seem.

For what’s the worst in any given situation is the fact that you didn’t even bother trying to begin with.

It’s better to have tried, and then fail.

It’s better to pick yourself up from that failure and keep on going.

Its better; and it’s always going to be the better option in whatever we do with ourselves.

It’s also better to have loved and lost,

Rather to have not loved at all.  

So although I get discouraged quite a lot recently from the sudden shock of being alone here in Japan,

I am grateful that it’s making me step up to the plate.

It’s making me focus in my studies a bit more,

And it’s also making me appreciate the people that have left me a lot more too.

No matter who we leave behind, or who leaves us behind, the memories with that person and the time spent with that person should be reason enough to always keep in touch with them.

Coming here on exchange I’ve realized that we take advantage of so many things in our lives.

The fact that we have a Saturday.

The fact that we have the freedom to express our opinions to whomever and whenever we please.

The fact that most of our friends are always by our sides, in the same suburb, if not the same bloody country.

Coming on exchange has made me experience how it’s like to know you only have a limited amount of time with someone.

When you are aware of the day, and the exact date of when you will never get to spend time with that person again?

You treasure them so much more.

I think that if all of us; whether we are oceans or just houses apart, would always treasure one another like that; we would all have amazing human relationships till the ages.

If we were to remind ourselves that we never know what happens tomorrow, and that today just may be our last;

A lot of our problems would disappear accordingly.

People would say how they feel, and would tell the people they love how they feel all the time.

For what can you really lose, if today was your last day?

If today was your last day of your life, wouldn’t you like to say that you gave everything you did your absolute best shot?

Even if its just getting up that extra half hour early to see your father off to work?

Even if it’s just sending your friend that you have neglected to keep in contact with for a while a “hey, whats up? You holding out okay?”

I took advantage of many things back in New Zealand; even my friends, my church, and the familiarity of my surroundings blinded me from the reality of it all.

The reality that I was coming here, and that by not spending more time with the people I love,

I’m the one that’s missing out on amazing memories that I could have made with my friends and family.

So thank you Japan.

Thank you for taking away my freedom, and thank you for taking away everything that is remotely familiar to me.

Without this experience; this unwanted feeling of loneliness and isolation;

I wouldn’t understand.

I would still be mediocre about certain things in my life, instead of always striving to be extraordinary.

Maybe it’s worth it.

My being here, and all the loss I’ve experienced.

No, not maybe.

I know it’s worth it.

All my love always,

April

differences

My Japanese teacher asked me to write her a letter.
I said why
She said, "First, to practice your 丁寧語。”
"二級の為にでしょう。
Second, I want to know more about you!”
translation: "to practice your polite speech. In preparation for that test you have to do in December."

and a more accurate translation would be:  

"because I want to watch you try so hard to study for this test but fail anyway because no one in their right mind prepares for a test like this just three months prior to the actual test date! but hey, 頑張って。what you gotta lose? Just 5000yen! :) Oh, not to mention your pride. :)"

I then asked her what the topic had to be.
She said, "write about your love life."
I laughed out loud and told her she would not want to know.
"But I really do."
..."you really don't"
"Okay, fine, write about school April. Write about how fun school is."
I didn't even answer her.
I think the look on my face when she said the word 'fun' made her feel awkward.
She then hesitated, and finally managed to come up with a topic for my 'letter' that wouldn't involve me sounding suicidal on paper.
"Write about you. What has changed. Why you feel like you have changed."

(by the way, imagine this conversation taking place in Japanese)

Needless to say.
I am having trouble writing this letter, and it is due tomorrow.
I am procrastinating till then, hence the blog.
I think if I brainstorm in the train tomorrow and write it up before school...
it shouldn't be a problem..
right?
....
(because April, your Japanese proficiency is that reliable at 7AM in the morning.)
whatever.
Ignorance is bliss, no?

But on a serious note.
Why have I changed?
God, I don't even know.
That would take a dozen psychiatrists,
and possibly the help of God too, to figure out why the hell I've changed.
I don't know why, and I don't plan on figuring out how I've changed and the reason behind it.
All I know is I have changed, and I guess it's just part of growing up.

I do know though, what has changed.
Although I'm going to the same school,
taking both train and bus to and from school everyday,
doing pretty much the same things I was doing back in April through to July,

I know that life for me here in Japan has changed.

...and here I am again, adjusting to a new 'environment'.

The first part of my exchange and the second half of my exchange are worlds; if not universes apart.

First; host family is different.
I come home now, and I'm usually the only one at home.
Even at 8PM at night, I'm still alone.
My host parents work till late, and they eat dinner at around 8:30, sometimes 9PM as well.
It's me, and two chihuahuas for company.

Second; school is even more chaotic than usual, because of the brilliant 'cultural festival'.
I have club almost every day after school till late, so I spend almost 10 hours at school on a daily basis.
Monday, through till Saturday.
My Japanese teachers are pressuring me for god knows what reason to apply for a silly national exam that requires months, if not years to study for.
There are five levels, and they want me to take the second highest one.

...no wonder Japan has the highest suicide rate.

"April, your Japanese has really improved so much, we think that you can even go for this test!"

...oh dear, sweet Japanese women, no, NO I cannot go for this test.

If you flick through the books, the textbooks that is, to maybe have an idea of what N2 (Level 2) is like in the Japanese Language Proficiency Test...
It's INSANE.
It's ridiculously, just crazy insane.
The amount of Kanji (chinese characters) you are required to remember,
and the unnecessary grammar points?
Oh, not to mention the billions of vocabulary you have to learn JUST for this test because in reality no one uses these types of words in their daily conversation, -ever-.

I have this theory, and technically I shouldn't call it that, because it is true, so..
I have discovered something.
The only reason I'm not getting special treatment as an exchange student is because...
*drumroll*
*and fireworks too, just because I can afford it when I'm typing*

It's because I'm Asian.

Up till now, the other exchange kids have gotten quite special treatment from teachers,
and just the Japanese kids in general too.
However; I'm somehow different.

It's because I have an asian face.

Whenever I speak English, I would hear the Jap kids murmur amongst each other, 
"Oh, I wonder when she got back from America.", or 
"It's weird, she can speak such good English. She's Japanese, no? Maybe she just came back from America.",
or the best one yet, "She doesn't really look half Japanese, but maybe she is, that's why she can speak English. She's a half!"
(oh god, I don't remotely look like a white person. At all. That made my day though, just made my day.)

Some of the teachers know that I'm an exchange student,
but if I ask a silly question, a question that foreigners would usually ask?
I don't get half the patience that would be given on a normal basis to an European exchange student.
I get this look of, "...you should understand this by now, you are Asian, or at least you look like one of us, so you should behave like one."

Last time I checked:
My Japanese teachers did not make any European exchange student take some killer Japanese National exam for proficiency.
None.
Just me, apparently.

Whatever though.
Asian Education isn't really all that new to me.
Coming here just reinforces the fact that Asian schools have not changed in the last decade.

I had two years of it back in Malaysia and thank GOD I'm out of that school.
However, I still have five more months left of this school that is somehow just trying to eat me alive it seems.
I don't even like school and yet I spend most of my time there.
Aint life a bitch.

Third; and if not the most important aspect of what is different about this second part of my exchange, is the people.
The people.
I miss my people.
The people that I was acquainted with, and really became amazing friends with here in Japan, have all gone back to their own countries to continue on with their own lives.
Without the people I have come to love by my side; it's like I just came to Japan all over again.
I'm having to start over, make new friends, and realizing that the people that I knew, the people that are no longer here, are truly, no longer here.
To realize that fact, and to accept it is really hard.
I'm not even halfway there, let alone a quarter.
I might be a step nearer, but I'm definitely not anywhere close to being 'over it'.

I didn't realize how different it would be.
Japan without the people you first explored it with.
It's quirks, it's ups, and it's downs.
Without the people you've explored common places in Tokyo with,
the places that you thought you knew so well,
although the same with its buildings, and business; have changed.

I've stained most of the places I go to with memories of all the people that I've spent time with here in my first five months of Tokyo.
These places, and all it's familiarity?
They've completely changed,
and I guess if it comes down to it; I really am more attached to people than I am to a specific place.

So although I've started to really hate dogs, and have come to favor those selfish feline beings;

my personality still mirrors that of a bitch. :P (oh im too gooood!:P)

I still love people, and am attached to them; despite location, despite time differences,
I will still always miss you, and you alone I will miss.

Looking back at photos during the first half of my exchange?
It brings tears to my eyes.
Although my host family was truly shit, and nothing but shit,
the friends I had here in Tokyo, the friends that will always be my friends forever, I miss them so much.

Friends that have helped me in times of trouble, friends that have been there to truly share all the laughs, and all the tears, and because we were all in the same situation,
we could relate to one another so well.
I miss all of you so much, and although there are new exchange students at school now?

The memories that I've made with you seem to be the most memorable ones so far.

I wish I can return back.
To that first day I came to Japan.
Just because there are things I would want to have done; for example, change my host family sooner. :P
There are things that I wish I could have done with you; and I'm sorry I couldn't do those things.
But- there's still time left for me.
5 more months of Japan.
150days of trains, rice, miso soup, and Tokyo.

Maybe I can view these next few months as a fresh start?
Maybe- although it's hard to start afresh when you have a mindset of "damn, if only I can go back."
:P

So, all my love always,
to everyone out there around the world,

April

halfway mark

It was an ordinary day today.
Well, depends on what you call ordinary.

In Japan, I go to school from Mondays to Saturdays.
Most days follow a similar schedule as written below;
and today was no different.

Wake up at 6AM.
Sleep in till 6:15.
Throw phone at the wall because up till now I'm still an idiot, 

and I still do not know how to deactivate snooze.
Say sorry to my phone.
Rush around brushing my teeth while putting on uniform.
Put on socks that are clearly turned inside out.
Run for the bus stop.
Dodge all the butterflies that fly in my face whilst running to the bus stop.
Catch the bus.
Lose my balance embarrassingly on the bus.
Sprint to the station.
Get onto the yellow train for 5 minutes.
Transfer onto the dark blue train.
Be squished up next to some sweaty stranger for a good long 30 minutes.
Rush for the ticket barriers.
Run to school.
Jog up the stairs (too unfit to run up any flight of stairs really) to homeroom.
Apologize to my homeroom teacher for being late.
Try not to fall asleep in the classes.
Study Kanji characters and grammar points.
Eat lunch.
Attend lessons for another grueling two and a half hours.
Go to Art club for another two and a half hours.
School's over. (finally)
Try and not fall asleep on the two trains home.
Arrive in home station.
Take the bus home.
 

Yes; I felt the need to tell all my readers my monotonous way to get to and from school.

I should take a video of this one day; 

you will all be shit happy to see me pant and puff early in the morning.

It was an ordinary day today.
Got home today, chocolate bar in hand, and 'zero calorie' milk tea in the other.

(someone tell me how not to comfort eat, seriously.)

Flopped onto my bed, and looked at the calender and...it occurred to me.

Today is my halfway mark.

before I came to Japan (March 29th)

and now, September 2010..

 

 

Have I changed?

Appearance wise?

Don't state the obvious- the fact I've gained weight. :P

I came here on the 4th of April.
To Tokyo, Japan.
To one of the most coveted cities in the world- and not to mention the most expensive.

I plan to be here in Japan for 10 months, and it's officially been a total of five months.

I'm...halfway done.
It's unbelievable, and I do not know where my time has gone.
Why is it that I'm always chasing time?
I'm chasing for my full use of 24 hours every single day.
I'm never ahead of it, never in control of it.

Wasn't it just a week ago when I was fighting for my life to get out of my first host family?
I swear, it was just a week ago when I did get out,
and I was walking to that supermarket to get watermelon boxes to put all my belongings in.
It was just yesterday that I got back from Osaka.
It was just.. not too long ago, that I literally went to the airport to say goodbye to someone that is always going to have a special place in my heart- although the odds of ever seeing them again are past impossibility.
It was just not too long ago, and I still hurt in all the places that no one ever wants to be hurt, -ever- in their lives.
It was just .. not long ago, and my god, how the hell am I still alive and breathing?

It's become a habit for me.
I try not to expect too much of myself to avoid any hurt,
but then I go and buy a ton a textbooks and tell myself I will finish all of them before I get back to New Zealand.

I think that I can't do many things with myself.
I think that I can't, I can't, and I can't,
but for some odd reason, I do anyway.

I fight through, and then when I get out I don't believe that I have made it through,
because I know that there is always going to be another obstacle I've yet to conquer,
and allowing myself to be happy, to be comfortable just for a brief second would lead to what I've gotten very used to lately, and that is disappointment and loneliness.

...holy crap that was a long and depressing sentence XD

So here I am.

My halfway mark.

I feel like I've already had a year's worth of memories and experiences here in Japan, 

it's hard to believe it's only been five months.

...Just five?

Time has felt so long here in Japan, yet so short.

So long because the days drag on, but the week goes by in just the blink of an eye. 

I'm starting to count down towards the day I go back to New Zealand.

5, 4, 3, 2, and then a month left till I go back to New Zealand?

Back home to Kiwiland?

To see my family and friends?

To play my piano, to bake up a storm, to apply for uni, and then...what?

To be honest- going home now would be perfect.

I miss you all so much.

I miss you guys so much to the point that I feel like screaming because I feel like the best times in Japan that I can have, and that I will have is already gone.

...It's already over.

But then I know that this kind of thinking just won't get me anywhere.

So I'll stay on.

Till after that culture festival.

After the Izu trip.

After the Hiroshima trip too.

=] 頑張ります！

My language proficiency has also improved.

It's amazing because I dream in Japanese now.

I also think in Japanese, and I can relate to my friends so much better.

I'm starting to make really great friends now, and we talk about the weirdest things,

but I don't use English so much anymore.

In fact, I never use English because I don't eat lunch with the other exchange kids now.

So really, I only write English online. =]

Therefore, don't freak out if I come home with the worst English accent ever.

I already have a terrible one, but it might worsen; if that is remotely possible. 

Looking back at where I was in April and where I am now; I've definitely grown.

In both the physical and mental way.

I'm bloody hugiant now, I'm eating so much it's insane.

I'm stronger mentally because I don't freak out about absolutely everything now.

Just some things. But not everything :P

I still have faults,
and I think I'm the most imperfect person on this planet because of how ridiculous I think and act at times but;

I've definitely changed a lot of things about myself as a result of all the hardship I've been put through.

One major thing about me that has changed is definitely the fact that I just don't regret anymore.

I never regret anything.

Even things that I would have regretted doing; things that I should regret doing?
I dont.
I guess the term 'don't cry over spilled milk' has finally revealed itself to me :)

This halfway mark really reminds me that I'm not in Japan for much longer.
It felt long to start with,
but it'll probably end faster than it started.
Don't most things?
If you think about it; it takes so much time and effort to build a relationship,
but a few words that are uttered in seconds can end everything.
It's unfortunate.

I gotta use it wisely.

I can't afford not to after all, because time is money, a
nd with each and every passing day of my life here in Japan?

I want it to be a memory.

A memory that I can look back on without any regrets whatsoever.

So although I miss the way I used to be;

I like the me now better than I ever did before.

I'm definitely developing a greater sense of self.

Of course He knows me better than I'll ever know myself but- I am definitely starting to know that the limits I set upon myself aren't real.

They're just imaginary; because in reality?

We don't have limitations.

Whatever we set our mind to do, we can accomplish.

Just like I worked hard for this exchange here in Japan,

I'll continue to strive to make my mark on this planet.

I'll keep working towards a future that'll enable me to revisit this country again someday,

go back to the places that have made me the person I am today, and reminisce about the amazing 2010 I had back in Tokyo, Japan.

I'm working towards a future that will eliminate the difficulty of distance.

So no matter how far away the people I love are, seeing them face to face again is no challenge.

Making new friends here in Tokyo and going on exchange really allows you to make the best of friends in the shortest duration possible.

Leaving them is so hard, it hurts to miss them.

But it encourages me.

To somehow finish my exchange with a huge bang.

To be absolutely fluent in my Japanese proficiency; and to learn as many interesting things as possible within the remaining 5 months I have left.

To study even harder when I'm in Auckland Uni, so that I can go on another exchange to somewhere different yet again the year after.

After all- what better way to explore the world then when you are young?

So Japan?

Thank you.
For everything that you've done for me so far.

Up till now- you've put me through hell but you've also shown me that no matter what,

there truly is a rainbow after every storm.

So all my love always,

April