homesick

So this is what it's like.

To feel truly homesick- because your support system now only exists over the internet.

Don't get me wrong; I still have amazingly kind Japanese people here that are looking out for me.
I guess its just being with people that speak your own language,
and that truly understand how you feel because they've been in that situation before that makes it...different.
It also feels like the people that have left you are moving on.
They're doing better, greater things with their life.
Moving on.
And what am I doing?
Blogging. That's what I'm doing.
Brilliant, April. Just bloody brilliant.

It's a horrible feeling.
Being...left behind, I guess?
Being forgotten.
The feeling that the people you love have already begun to love something else,
and you are stuck in this horrible situation of unrequited sick Shakespeare 'love'.
It's hard to get out of, I think.
Hard, but not impossible.
Yet again, we all should beg our good friend, commonly referred to as time, to be kind to us.

The kind of support I'm receiving now from the Japanese people is different.
Not bad, not good, just...different.
It's the kind of support system that is done via the giving of food, really.
I usually do it myself by stuffing my face with chocolate but the Japanese people are kind enough to do it for you instead.
I'm truly grateful for it- too bad my waistline isn't.

Despite the comments that I have gained weight during this summer,
I was still fed lots, and lots of food.
I think the logic is this:
I'm the size of a killer whale now, why not be a blue whale instead?
Be extraordinary.
Screw killer whales; be a hugiant massive blue whale instead.
After all, if you are already this fat, why not be obese?
Do great things with your life!
Never stop halfway! God forbid.

I'm trying not to think about it.
The fact that I'm alone.
This feeling of utter rejection and crappiness.
(great adjective there, well done April. You've gotten smarter too, over the summer.)

I have been trying to distract myself, and once again; failing accordingly.
I've been doing things like spending 10,000yen plus on Japanese books (250NZD, 100USD) which will probably take me a year to get through.
During that short hour and a half of browsing in the shop with my Japanese friend?
I forgot.
I forgot about the current situation I am in.
But then I remembered; and the books I bought that are currently sitting in my bookshelf collecting dust are just books to me, as opposed to being the key tools towards my understanding of the Japanese language.

I miss all the things that are familiar to me.
Friends, family, free time to do whatever you want and whenever you want.

Even now, after five months of being here,  I still struggle with some aspects of this culture.
I struggle with the fact that I have to go to school tomorrow for two (or a billion) hours to make imaginary candles for a gay 'cultural festival'.
By the way.
What is UP with Japanese school kids and taking forever to get something done for festivals?
I swear you would think that you would wanna get OUT of school as soon as possible.
Tsk. (sorry, rant done.)

Anyway.
I also struggle with the fact that the other 3 girls I am doing this bonding-candle-making-session with are all socially quite awkward too.
Making conversation with them is like talking to a wall.
Except, the wall smiles at you more, so maybe I should just stick to my daily wall conversations.

Isn't it horrible, that out of the 42 girls in my class, only one I manage to be really great friends with?
I'm friends with a few others but I'm the closest to this one.
She looks a great deal like my cousin back in Malaysia.
Maybe they're somehow related.
I bet they are.
:)

But I guess it can't be helped that I'm not friends with absolutely every single girl in my class.
For one- I'm apparently in the really bitchy class,
and the girl I managed to become friends with also shares the same opinion about the girls in my class too.
Fate has been so ever kind to me once again, and I got the bitchy and spoilt girls as classmates for the remaining 5 months I have left here in Japan.
It's funny- 5 months sounds so short now that I look back,
but the days crawl by when you are not enjoying your time here in Japan.
So far these past few days have felt like weeks to me,
and I would look at the clock and instead of going "my god, its already 3?", I'd say, "my god, its ONLY 3?!"

Happiness is a choice.
Apparently I said that to a good friend a while back.
Apparently its true,
and hey, I bet it is, but for some reason wallowing in self pity is so much easier for now. =]
Maybe when school actually starts, and I throw myself into kanji and grammar learning, I'd be fine again.

I wouldn't have thoughts that I'd go back to New Zealand and still feel this alone.
I wouldn't have to keep all the feelings I have in me to myself,
and I can actually talk to someone about them,
instead of pouring them out on here, where I'd read back and think "...you're an idiot".
But experience is experience, and what I feel is entirely genuine- so no harm in blogging it down on the very public internet, yeah? =]

So it's two more days till actual school starts.
Two.
Tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow.
Two more days left of my amazing summer that is ending not so amazingly.
Although time is crawling by right now- I pray that it will go faster and faster.
Faster because I'll be happier.
Faster because I'll have so much fun that I'm chasing time in comparison to the waiting I'm doing with it right now.
Faster because I think I'm quite done with being here in Japan.

I miss home, and I miss you.

All my love always,

April

an unforgettable summer

I can't believe I went through a whole month and not manage to write a single blog!
It's disappointing because I really wanted to jot down every single memory I've had of this wonderful summer vacation but I guess photos will have to do for now.

I've been really busy enjoying the Japanese summer, and enjoying it with good company too =]
August is truly the best month in Japan to date.
I have so many memories that I cannot possibly forget.
To all the people that have contributed to my amazing summer in Japan?
Thank you.
Not only did I have such a supportive host family that let me go on vacation to Osaka and Kamakura for a week;
I had such a relaxing and fun time staying out late for my first ever time here in Tokyo.

There are so many things about Japan that are different.
You don't see it when you live in Tokyo, but going down to Osaka?
I wish I did my exchange there.
They are more human than the people in Tokyo.
The trains come late, and people are less efficient but; they don't give a shit about everything.
It's refreshing.
They're human, and they are so warm.
The kids in Osaka also have a more outgoing vibe about them.

Osaka also has the best adverts to date.
There are terrible ones in Tokyo, but I'm sure you won't find these types of adverts anywhere else in the world but Osaka, Japan.

Did I mention the food?
Oh god, I have gained a ton of weight in summer.
Aren't people meant to lose weight because of the heat?
Thus reducing one's appetite to eat?
This was just the opposite for me, and I just stuffed my face with all the good Osaka food.
Exploring Osaka, and eating all the local cuisine with someone special just made it all the better though. =]

Tempura Bento!

Takoyaki

drinking milk tea in American Muira

Going on vacation on your own in Japan, in a foreign country, exploring like tourists and making embarrassing mistakes with your Japanese while attempting to converse with the natives; it really makes you feel independent.
Independent and grown up. :)
Looking back, I can't believe that in a few days it's going to be September.
I came here in April, and I do not know where the time has gone.
Especially recently.
How did the time just slip away out of my grasp?
You try and cram as much as you want into a day but the minutes just tick by, the seconds just vanish, and before you know it; it's time for bed, and a new day will begin.

This summer has also taught me to treasure my time.
I have literally five more months on this exchange.
I am halfway there.
Halfway through my exchange, which has had so many ups and downs, (recently just up and up to be honest), and I am going to try my hardest to make the best of it before I return back to New Zealand for university.

But we all come to a sudden halt because we realize that such a fun month, such a fun time with someone cannot possibly last forever.
It ends, and then comes the long, hard process of acceptance.
On this world, joy does come with sorrow,
and for the first time,
I feel the pain in saying the word 'goodbye', and for the first time,
I know what it's like to lose something that is so precious, so rare, and am struggling to once again, let go.

My summer ends sadly, because I've had to say goodbye to one of the most important people to me.
The word 'goodbye' is one of the most stupid words to date.
How do the words 'good', and 'bye' have any connection with one another?
Nothing is good about saying bye to someone that you might never see again.
It's painful because you grow close, you build all these memories, and you try your hardest not to count down to some sort of sick expiration date because the time you have with one another is limited; but you do.
It's short, too short, and its printed out in black and white on a stupid flight ticket.
You count down the days, the hours, the minutes, and the seconds, and the second you have left with them.
You try and remember them as they are in person, right in front of you.
Because the minute they go, all you'll have of them is memories.
Photos, emails, messages, and just the remains of the past that you had with one another.

Going on exchange- I never thought that the hardest thing would be to say goodbye to everyone.
It's hard, that's for sure.
It's impossible when you are saying goodbye to someone you truly care and love about.
How do you let go?
How can you let go; knowing that what you've shared was so special, IS so special, and will always BE special?
And the most crucial of all?
The fact you don't WANT to let go.
You cling on to all the false hope you build inside of you.
"Maybe I'll see them again", or lets try "If I do this, maybe this will happen, and oh hey! That can happen too because I did this."

It's just ridiculous.
Pathetic, and ridiculous.

Grief comes in five stages.
The minute you lose someone, be it through death, sickness, distance, circumstance, whatever, you will always deny the fact it happened.
You deny the fact they are not by your side anymore,
and you say 'no' to all the facts that reality is shoving rudely in your face.
Realizing that saying 'no', to the situation at hand won't help?
You just start to bargain like crazy.
This is the second stage of grief, and once again, I am stuck.
Stuck here, because I refuse to get angry at this situation, or move onto the fourth which is just being depressed.
I feel that with bargaining comes depression anyway.
It's the acceptance part; the final stage, that I don't even want to bother considering.

Looking back to all the memories I've shared with you;
Thank you so much.
I'm so glad I met you; in fact, I'm blessed to have met someone like you.
I've missed you since the minute I said goodbye to you from the boarding gate of that silly airport, and I am missing you right now, and I know I will continue to always miss you.
I got told off for being too loud and hysterical because I couldn't stop crying both in the airport and on the train ride home?
It just reminded me that I was in Japan.
Back in New Zealand I can guarantee you at least 5 people would come up to me not to condemn me but to comfort me,
and here in Tokyo, despite my efforts not to look like the world is crashing down as we speak,
my emotions always show on my face.
I can't help it, and even when I smile, it doesn't reach my eyes.
I know this for a fact because my host dad will not let me forget it. >.<

I keep thinking that I will just turn around to see you standing there next to me,
or maybe an email will come to my phone asking me to come over so we could ごろごろ with one another but;
all that's left is just the memory of you.

You're one of the best parts about my exchange.
From making jokes about the Japanese language, and embarrassing all the natives here with our gaijin-ness,
all the way to just being there for me when I need someone,
I can't say thank you enough.
Having you here for half of it has been such a blessing to me.
So once again?
Thank you.
For everything.

All my love always,

April